My husband of 18 years left me and our four children after meeting a 25 year old girl over the internet. He's 42. He says that they are just friends but he doesn't know if he wants to be married any more. He doesn't want a divorce, but he won't go to counceling. Everyone that knows us says I should get a divorce and move on. I don't know how after 18 years. Help!

Welcome <B>dumpedwife</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Welcome wagon message...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! As a betrayed... you need to get on board with a firm <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>There are so many betrayed here... all will come a help!<P>BTW: weekends tend to be a bit slow... if there are few replies... be patient and post again!<P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hi, dw, and Welcome.<P>You've come to the right place. No matter what you decide to do, you'll find many friends here to support and encourage you.<P>This is a very difficult time you're going through right now. And you must remember that it's his involvement with someone else that's coloring his thinking right now. Time for you to be strong and take care of yourself.<P>Read all on this site to help prepare you for what's ahead. Harley's principles, our posts. Books you'll see recommended.<P>If you feel the pain and depression are getting too much to handle (and we ALL have at some point), please don't hesitate to see your doctor. A little help goes a long way.<P>Counselling, joint or individual is a good idea.<P>And come to us. Whenever you need us. You have some decisions to make, independent of what HE decides he wants or thinks he wants at this point. Use us to cry, vent, ask advice or just when you need someone to talk to.<P>Buckle up, hold on. This is the worst ride of your life. But you will get through it. We're here to help.<P>We're sorry you have to join us, but glad you found us. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

You'll be getting a wonderful welcoming message from our dear friend NSR... he's now our official welcomer but in the meantime, here's my take on this.<P>Do you want to divorce? Don't listen to everyone else, what do <B>YOU</B> want?<P>This situation is horrid to live through, but it isn't any more shocking than many stories here. Many success stories, too!<P>I can't offer alot right now, but didn't want you to feel ignored until others begin writing. <P>Best wishes to you as you <B>rebuild</B> your marriage. I'm assuming that it's what you want because you are, after all, <B>here</B>!<P>Welcome!<BR><P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

This is my first time doing this online thing. I'm sitting here tring to type through my tears just knowing that someone else is out there knowing how I feel, is a great help. I'm knew at this so all the advice I can get is going to help alot I know. Thanks Lori for your nice words.<P>Deb

Just hang on, Deb. We're all here for you.<P>Lori

I've been married 17 years, 3 kids. My H, out of the blue, had an affair almost a year ago.<P>We are doing well in recovery. Even so, it devastated me.<P>If everyone "knows", you'll get lots of opinions. No one has to raise your kids and live your life but you. So listen to what you want.<P>You H is confused. There are no guarantees, but many have survived and have found success. No route right now is easy, but please consider your marriage. If you found this site, you must be undecided.<P>You'll find much support here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Dumped Wife,<P> You are not alone....so many of us have been where you are. I have 4 children too and my H had 11/2yr. affair after 21 yrs. of marriage...he ended up leaving and is now back. What was your H like before all of this? Do not even think about D if you don't absolutely want one...he is temporarily insane, be prepared for some strange things to be said and realize there is a very good chance he will come out of the fantasy eventually.As everyone else said, read the books and post , post, post....there is HOPE.....Lu

I, too, am in the middle of my H leaving me for an internet affair. Please, read the links NSR has sent you. We are all here for you..many of us are in various stages in recovery. Learn and share as you feel the need. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>