My w has been involved in a EA/PA for the last year. She left to live with the om for about a month and then wanted to come back to "work on us". She agreed that the affair would end. Well, since she has been back, I have found out that she is still talking to the om. I have found proof, but the real reason I know is that after a couple of weeks where it felt like we were making progress as far as closeness, she has now reverted to being very distant.<BR> I have been in Plan A since last summer (but I have had several relapses), but I really put my heart on the line when she wanted to come back and now I feel like it is all starting over again. I just wonder if I have the strength to keep going again. As it stands now, she will not go to counseling and she won't commit to no contact. She also talks about getting her own place.<BR> I love my w with all my heart, but I just wonder if I am fighting a losing battle. Sometimes I make a little progress and then "boom", we go back. Any advice?<P>Arrow

Welcome <B>Arrow</B>...<P>You've been reading the MB stuff... great...<P>FYI... I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Now for your Post...<P>1. I'd recommend counseling for <B>you</B>... if she won't go... you can't force her...<BR>I would recommend that you have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>2. Don't leave the home! If she wants to... there is nothing you can do about it. Any kids?<P>3. Most likely you will need (be recommended by the Harley's... a few more weeks/months in Plan A... then switch smoothly to Plan B (perhaps)<P>Check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts... I hope they help you.<P><BR>I have to run now...<BR>...I'll check back with you later tonight!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

NSR,<BR> Thanks for the reply. I have been having counseling with Steve...he is who has gotten me this far. 1 child at home. I'm trying to keep her at home. Since she has no job right now, this can probably be accomplished for a little while. I thought when she came back that we were setting out down the recovery road, but we are still on the "fun park" rollercoaster. <P>Arrow<BR>

Arrow...<P>How long of a Plan A did you and Steve come up with?...<P>Has that time expired?...<P>Other's here have tried a Plan B with the WS still at home... that is very frustrating...<BR>But if finances don't allow it... it may be the only possible route. Can she afford to "get... her own place"? My W moved out in August under the pretense of "figuring things out"... but actually she co-signed a lease with the OM a week before she moved out(I found out 4 months later!)<P>Maybe it is time!... For you to Plan B...<BR>The real question is are you ready...<P>Has your love for her in her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> gone so way down that you <B>can</B> have "NO CONTACT" with her?... This too is very hard!!! I know you said "I love my w with all my heart"... bbut a point will come... when your heart hits a point of "cracking"... You need to Plan B right beofre that point!<P>[b]Medic{/b] (one of the veterans) is struggling through this('no contact' in Plan B) even now! It is VERY difficult!<P>How old is your child?...<P>Have you thought about what happens if she files for divorce and then seeks custody?...<P>There is just so much to consider...<P>Keep us posted...<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

NSR,<BR> When she was gone for 4-6 weeks, I was in an informal Plan B. She did really want to come back, but what I think happened is that she did not like where she was, wanted to come home, but found that she still felt something for the OM and contact was made and then...you know the story.<BR> One thing that I think contributed to the affair was that we had moved to a new town and she decided to be a stay at home mom. She had no friends, was bored and lonely (I traveled alot and neglected her needs) and that is how she met someone online..and it progressed from there. The reason I don't want to Plan B is that I think she is close to getting a job and if she does, it should do wonders for her self esteem and it will also seriously curtail her ability to talk to OM. I'm hoping this will be a big break for us. I just want to keep her at home long enough for us to have achance if this happens. I have found evidence of her talking to om and it seems as if she is trying to end it. She will not talk about it with me. <BR> My biggest fear is that she may be a walk away wife, who just came home to get her life together to move on. The problem is that I cannot seem to deposit in her "bank" when she is in contact with om...it is closed for business you could say.<BR> I have done pretty good at avoiding lb's but there are times they come out. Probably the biggest is when I have felt compelled to snoop (WRONG!). She tells me nothing about her plans or feelings so I always seem to try to find out myself. I am trying to stop this.<BR> Another questions I have is this: Does writing her notes or telling her what she means to me (as well as how much I want to work on our marriage) constitute LB'ing? She never responds but has commented that "it was a nice letter" occasionally. I want to keep assuring her that I am sticking in here, but I fear they make her feel guilty and could actually push her away....What a fine line we walk. I know that a LB is whatever our spouse thinks it is, but since I get no feedback from her, how do I know?<P>Arrow <P>

Bringing this back up...any other people with thoughts?<P>Arrow

Arrow...<P>I'm back...<P>From everything you say...<BR>...you are not ready for a formal <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<P>If not... then stay with as "pure" a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as you can. This was the advice Steve gave me as well.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> is always hard to control... and with the potential for a WAW(Walk Away Wife)... hard to know when/if you are really <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>! If you're not getting any negative feedback from her... keep up the notes... When you do get negatives (in words... in action... in body language...) it's time to reassess the impact of those notes! Do stay away from "begging" notes... i.e. pleading for her to stay!<P>If you don't see any "good" from your attempts to meet ENs... don't worry. They will take time. Think of all your works as small seeds planted... and some of them are bound to bear fruit! But it takes time!!!<P>Don't completely rule out a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... but do that "seemless" transition Steve H. talks about... if it has to come about. If you go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... do the whole nine yards... letter an all!<P>In the mean time...<BR>...patience my friend! <P>Prayer helps me...<P>You need to work on <B>you</B> in the mean time too!<BR>Not just learning "marriage skills"... but growing in all other aspects in your life...<BR>...it will get you through some of the hard times!<P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim