Hi<BR> For those of you who are unfamiliar with my story...w has been having an internet affair that turned physical for almost a year. Discovery was last Summer and she left to be with om for 6 weeks this year. She came back wanting to "work on us", but has still been talking with om and withdrawing from me (or at least keeping the distance). I have been in counseling and am doing my best Plan A. She will not go to counseling at this time and does not like to discuss us. She keeps wanting me to "just be her friend", which as most of you know is hard when you have such deep feelings for someone. <BR> My question is this...she seems to want me to give her space (so she can keep doing what she is, I guess). She does not like me snooping (major lb...but it's the only way I can get a clue of what is going on). I have stopped the snooping and am considering just backing way off and ACTUALLY give her the space she wants. I still want to tell her I love her and be there IF she will let me meet her needs. I would like to be able to do things with friends and basically start living my own life again (like I did when she was gone). I plan on asking her to do things, but if she is closed off, I won't push and do things on my own. It just seems that me constantly trying to "bring her closer" is getting me nowhere but leaving me emotionally exhausted and her more distant. I did lots of things with my son while she was gone (with other friends) and this seemed to bother her some. Is this ok to do, or would this be a LB. I'm just tired of trying to no avail.<BR> I know that she still is in contact with OM, but I figure I will just leave her to it, Plan A, and develop my own life. Any ideas or advice?

Of course she doesn't like for you to snoop, because there are things for you to find out. However, your snooping won't help win her heart...and it is helping you or making you crazy?<P>Go ahead and plan & do things with your son. He needs you. If it bothers her that you are being a good dad, that's an inappropriate response on her part, not an LB on yours. Sometimes the other person is irritated by Plan A. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong, or LBing, it may just mean you are doing it well and they may want you to return to the old behaviors that they knew how to deal with.<P>My H is currently Plan Aing me and, since I Plan Aed him for 1 1/2 years, the fact that he is now doing Plan A and I am distant (served him divorce papers) feels very strange.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Lor,<BR> Thanks for the reply. I've cut out the snooping...it wasn't healthy for me and you know what? I know all I need to know. What I was refering to was not only doing things with my son...she doesn't mind that and she likes to be included. I was talking about doing things for me...with friends, ect. Since she doesn't want to work on things, instead of obsessing, I want to enjoy myself doing things...that she doesn't seem to have an interest in doing. For instance, Some friends at work go out once a week to have a drink and socialise...I haven't gone with them, because I've tried to be home with my w, who really doesn't seem to care if I'm there or not. Should I go? There are lots of things like this that sound better to me than sitting around the house walking on pins and needles with a w that wants space from me. I'm not talking ignoring her OR my s...just getting out with people and having fun...I feel as if I've just dropped any life I have to work on a marriage that the other person currently doesn't want to work on. I'm just afraid this will push her closer to om, or make her think that I don't care.<P>Arrow

Arrow<P>I looked you up after you were kind enough for having replied to my own topic. I could be way off on this but I think there are several reasons in favor of you getting on with enjoying yourself. <P>Aside from the fact that you need to, I believe it is also good for her to see you doing so. Additionally, it may be something your marriage was missing that she can now witness...my H had felt at one time that I was too dependent upon him for my own happiness which caused him to feel a tremendous amount of stress. And fair enough. And so when I began to have a life that did not include him, and learned to be happy without him being a crucial ingredient, he actually began to feel better about us. In a sense, I had put too much responsibility on him, even though I thought I was just loving him and sharing my life with him. For him, it was more than he could handle. And it may be that way for your W as well, she just may not be able to realize it.<P>As for her being uncomfortable about it, it could simply be that she is seeing that you are not being completley dependent upon her which in effect gives her less power...right now she is having her cake and eating it, too. She still has the OM in her life and she has you tolerating it. What more could a betrayer ask for. perhaps your outings cause her to realize that she isn't in complete control of you and she is going to have to give up some of her power over you. Which could ultimately lead to giving up the OM.<P>Can I, dare I, ask why it is that you tolerate her still being involved with the OM? I was under the impression that ending such a relationship was actually one of the first moves towards rebuilding a marriage. You've been at this 8 months and it seems she's no where near ready. Have you thought about Plan B? Though I realize she may run straight to him if forced to leave your home, sometimes throwing them into the arms of their lover can be a great wake up call.<P>I nearly forgot, have you asked her what she means by wanting to work on "us"...seems she has made no effort to do such a thing and if that is correct, why did she return at all? "Us" cannot be worked on so long as their are 3 in the picture. And "us" won't work out if we are just friends. Try to find out what she had in mind.

Well as the betrayer,It seems to me like she's trying to have her cake and eat it to.She says she wants her space but in reality she wants you to stick around because obviously you are fulfilling needs that the OM isn't.<P>But it cannot work that way,she must end all contact with OM in order for you guys to work out.In my case it was the only way that I could focus on my H.If I were still talking to OM I wouldn't be where I am at today.Which is thAT I'm really excited about working things out with H.<P>Take Care

Arrow, I have to agree with everyone's replies. It would be a positive thing for you (and the marriage) to get some outside interests. When my husband started doing this (he started on a soccer team and basketball), it made me realize that he wasn't just sitting around waiting for me. The only thing I would caution you on is going out to pubs/bars (I'm sure you are already aware of that) in that since your wife is involved with the OM now, you may be more vulnerable to female attention. And adding that would really complicate matters and would be a BIG negative all around.<P>

Thanks for the replies.<P>Is there hope,<BR> She came back saying it was over with om, ect. But apparantly it wasn't. I think she missed her home life and son and thought it would get better, but I also think the pull of the OM was too much. I would like to go to Plan B and may do so soon, but she may be getting a job soon (she has been a stay at home mom) and I think that may make a difference, If not, then Plan B it will be.<P>Arrow

Hi Arrow,<P>I'm in agreement with everyone else here. Yup, you need to stay out of pubs & bars. If you want to go, then go with your W. You are vulnerable right now. It's not the place to be. <P>p.s. My H met his former OW bar-slut in a bar. <BR>