Okay. Things are not going as well between my H and myself as I would have liked to believe. I really need some support here. I feel stupid for thinking thinking things might be getting better. <P>In addition to the little so-and-so from work he had a full-blown affair with, he had internet "lovers"--but this "innocent flirting" was "all over as soon as [he] found out it bothered me."<P>Well, a while ago I posted and asked what to do if we were both depressed (thanks to those who answered). A couple of days ago he suddenly perked up. I was suspicious. I snooped. I hoped I was wrong. I wasn't wrong. He has RESUMED e-ing his cyberbabes.<P>I confronted him over the phone. Not the best way to avoid LBs, but I didn't really care at that point. To his credit, he came home from work immediately so we could talk.<P>He said he was just so down he was trying anything to bring himself back up and he thought maybe the "innocent" (if this was innocent I'd hate to see guilty) banter on the Internet. He said he hates work because OW is still there and won't talk to him and has a core group of buddies who won't talk to him either. I am having a hard time feeling sorry for him there.<P>I told him that I didn't care what he thought about counseling: if he wanted to save our marriage he was going to have to find someone to talk to and confront his own demons. I told him I was not going to accept a marriage like this. I didn't kick him out and I didn't leave. I guess this is Plan B+?<P>I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Angry sometimes, hurt mostly.<P>Could someone please point me to a chapter in a book that I should read? Or just plain tell me how they handled something similar? I'm having a hard time caring right now.<P>Thanks.<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited March 23, 2000).]

I really need some help here.<P>Any response at all would be appreciated.<P>I'm feeling stupid being in this relationship. Now I'm feeling stupid for looking for help from this BB. <P>Please, somebody talk to me.

Sometimes it amazes me how much we can take.<P>I know the feeling of being desperate. Your husband is definitely not cooperating with recovery, huh? Uggghhh.<P>How long have you been in plan A?

Sorry it took so long to reply, trustntruth. We ended up going away for an extended weekend to try and sort things out. I think it helped, though I don't know how we'll do now that we're back in the "real world." I also know that he had planned on taking real (not cyber) OW there. It was hard on me and I had horrible dreams all weekend (very vivid--I am glad I never did any of the things to OW that I dreamed over the weekend).<P>I found out (acknowleged what I knew in my heart) on Sunday January 9th at 10pm, but I didn't find this site until about two weeks after that. Gosh, it seems longer and shorter all at once. I didn't exactly Plan A from the start--I made H dial OW's work number and hand the phone to me. I told OW to go away, then "asked" H to do the same. He did and I believe he has broken things off with OW, but cannot stay at his current job and not see her every day. But (according to H and other sources who tipped me off in the first place) she now hates him for breaking off with her and telling her that he never loved her (like he said in e-mails at least)and apparantly things have been difficult for him at work as a result.<P>He said he was trying to feel better about himself by going through "the thrill of the hunt" in what he claims he felt was a harmless way. He said I shouldn't worry about them because they weren't real. I told him that they were as real as us talking on the phone when we were first dating and they hurt. Unfortunately, I know he did this about a year after we were married and I told him then that cyber relationships hurt and I didn't want him to engage in them.<P>I told him that if he didn't look for some help for his apparant addiction I was going to leave. I don't expect him to solve everything in just a month, but I can't look myself in the eye every morning if he keeps treating me this way.<P>Is there any possibility I didn't screw everything up?<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited March 27, 2000).]

I'd really appreciate any opinions about whether I'm on the right track.<P>I am currently trying to decide if the counselor I chose is right for the position or if she is more interested in getting me out of this relationship. I want to try to work on the marriage.<P>What do you good people think? Am I following a marriage healing track or a marriage busting track?

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you, but I'm working through some of the<BR>same things myself.Here are my suggestions.<BR>Read everything on MB site - twice. Sounds<BR>like your h is in withdrawal. Takes more than<BR>a month to see results.I have been plan Aing<BR>almost 2 months.And sometimes it is just so<BR>hard.But lately I have gotten good responses<BR>from my h.Let her h know how you feel in non<BR>love buster ways of course. That you don't<BR>want marriage to end. Work on meeting his needs, unfortunately it'll feel like you're<BR>doing all the work.When I feel like throwing<BR>in the towel, it helps to read the postings.<BR>It helps me focus on what I'm trying to <BR>accomplish.Wish I had known about this site<BR>sooner after D-day, I would've handled things<BR>differently, but have since applied what I've<BR>read and seems to more effective in my marriage. I try to eliminate my doubts about<BR>our future and sometimes succeed.<BR>I just read the desperation in your posts, and wanted you to know I felt exactly the same way.But we are getting better.<BR>It is a slow process.And you will feel like<BR>sometimes it's one step forward and two steps<BR>back.<BR>Read the site, post, try not to LB (in fact,<BR>vent here if you need to).I know it's hard.<BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<BR>