OK, I definitely hate this! I got an e-mail from him yesterday morning that he sent Tuesday night and that is the last I heard from him. <P>I am scared of what he is thinking. We had such a good couple of days. It is just so hard for me to take because I know he is there with her. <P>I am trying to dig up every ounce of strength and courage and patience that I can to get through this. I am so afraid that when he got back to her that he got wrapped up in the addiction of it all again. <P>How do people do this? I guess I am just feeling down because I went and saw the counselor today. I had my first session just for me with her today. I told her everything I wrote in my other post. She asked me if I saw any red flags or warnings. The thing she thought might be a red flag was when I asked him if he still wanted me and when he replied, "Not just you, the kids, the house, all of it." I don't know. I guess when he said it that way, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Does all of it include the other woman? I know he wants to come back. I am just so afraid he is going to get scared off! <P>I am so tired. My parents are going to take my kids for the weekend. They don't know what I am going through right now and I am probably wrong not to share it with them. I am just not ready to though!<P>Well, I will end this now and go to bed and try to sleep! HA HA! I will cry myself to sleep. Patience! I must remember that! I will pray again tonight! I went to bed last night hugging his shirt and it smells like him. Oh, this is hard!<P>Woozy

Woozy,<P>As i have followed your posts I have been constantly amazed at your strength. I'm hoping that he follows through on all of the wonderful promises he made to you. He certainly seems like he still has deep feelings for you. Sounds like OW might have gotten her claws back into him a bit since you last saw him, but my guess is he is feeling very close to you and it's just a matter of time.<P>May I ask you a question? When he does come back will you be able to put all of this behind you? Don't you ever get so mad about all of this that you feel as if you hate him? I have not been through near as much as you have and I am just angry as ****! <P>Good luck to you Woozy. Enjoy your weekend alone. Don't sit around and wait for him to call or e mail you, call a trusted freind and get out for a bit if you can. Will be thinking of you and looking for updates. Take care of yourself.<BR>

Woozy,<P>I know that fear. I wish I knew what to tell you. I guess you might send him an email you know a reminder. Are you going home this weekend? If you are you might send him that message or somelittle something jusst to make contact. Or if you are strong enough just wait. <P>I know you have thought of all these things yourself. So you are in my prayers and a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>just for you.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

woozy,<P>I think you are in great shape. When he said "all of it" I think he meant his closness to you and the love you two had a short time ago (relatively). I think he has not talk to you because he could be busy untangling himself from other w. I do not see what is wrong with Plan Aing something to him. I'm not sure if you are in Plan B, but I do not think so. He wants to come back. Just keep this tought with you. He has said so, he Plan A'd you by baking for you. I think you are in great shape. Smile, don't cry tonight. Time goes slow, I know. But you must not work yourself up. think of all the positive things that have happened. Do not let a day without communication make you think things have turned. I doubt it. He has strong feelings for YOU. I think they will continue. If only that darn clock could go faster...

AZ Allison,<P>I am worried the other woman is going to start raising a fuss over the amount of time he has been spending with us. I am not even sure if she knows he is here with us. <P>I know she is very insecure because he has a hickeys on his neck from her. If she felt at all good about herself, she wouldn't feel the need to give him hickeys. The best part is, she is 11 years older than me! So, that helps.<P>When he comes back, I know we will need to get counseling of some sort to deal with it. Right now though, I am not talking about that stuff. Right now, I am just being his friend. I guess when and if he actually decides he is coming back, is the time that we will have to discuss counseling.<P>About putting it all behind me... I really feel like I have put so much of it behind me already! I know I should be downright angry with him. I go through that from time to time. But, this is just not my husband. He would have never treated me this way if he had been in his right mind. That is how I see it. Yes, we need deal with it and get through it. If we do not deal with it, I will never get over it.<P>I think I tend to block a lot of it out. I don't go to bed at night thinking about him going to bed with her. I almost pretend she doesn't exist. I know she is there but I think she is really very insignifigant. Well, I would like to think that! <P>I just know my h is so happy when he is here with us. He is just like he used to be long ago. It is like when we were first dating. That is how it is for me. For him, I see he is tormented by what he has done but he has that spark back in his eyes. He seemed to have lost it. But, I see it and I could see some hope in his eyes again. I am just trying to make him feel it is safe to come home. If he makes it here, we will have to work on our marriage and I hope we can do that in a loving way. <P>I shall remain as calm as I can! I am planning on going and staying overnight at a friends from work. Her husband is out of town and her kids are staying at her mom's. So, we thought it would be fun to have a slumber party! She has a bunch of movies for us to watch. So, that will be fun!<P>I do want to e-mail my husband and tell him that the kids are gone for the weekend. BUT, that goes against my little plan of not reaching out to him. I am hoping to hear from him though. <P>I must be strong! Right now I feel like one wrung out dish rag! YUCK!<P>Thanks for all your support! I shall hang in there and justice shall prevail!<P>Woozy <P><BR>

Thank you for more support! You guys are making me feel better already! <P>SDS, I am staying home this weekend. Going to possibly stay overnight at a friends tomorrow night. I want so badly to e-mail him but I just don't know if I should. I think that I will try really hard to stay strong and not do it! I do not want to appear too needy! I think he likes how strong I have been. I just know I want to grow old with this man!<P>Victoria,<P>Oh thank you! You made me feel so much better! I guess I am in that stage where I need constant reassurance! <P>I guess when my h said he wanted all of it, I felt like he meant all of what we had before. WE had so much together. I told him I didn't want to throw that all away.<P>I am hoping that the ow is going to start getting angry with him for spending so much time with me. I talked with her husband along time ago. He told me that she used to tell him that his ex-wife was using their kids to try and get him to come back to her. Well, the ow can't say that about me. I haven't done that at all! I have barely said one word about how horrible the kids feel through all of this. I am using me to get him to come back. When he says he comes to see the kids, he spends most of his time with me. He enjoys the boys but he really seems to enjoy me. <P>I am feeling much better! I needed all that encouragement again! Phew! He does have strong feelings for me and he was Plan A-ing me! That has been what I have been thinking all along. He is doing all these nice things for me because he does still love me. He even told his mom he still loves me! Ok, God... Help make this ow become as unattractive and disgusting as possible to my husband. Help to hurry him home to me so that we can start rebuilding our marriage and making it stronger and better than it ever was! There, that was good... <P>I feel so much better! I really think he will contact me this weekend. Unless skank woman has a hissy! lol! I will try and be strong and not reach out to him. Hard as it is!<P>Take care all of you and I am thinking of all of you also!<P>Woozy

Woozy,<P>I know how hard it is to wait and when they don't call you or talk to everyday to give you support it makes it even harder. My H said he is coming home soon and each day that passes I sometimes wonder how I get through it all<P>I talked to H last Friday and he never mentioned he was going out of town for business. When I called his work Monday they told me he was out of town. I tracked him down and he had OW with him. This made me feel so horrible. Why did he not tell me? I think it is important in case of emergencies. Why did she have to tag along on this trip which is one I have been on before with him and I know the people and they know I am his wife? She is scared that he will leave her and she is watching him like a hawk. She too is insecure as the OW in your H's life. I have talked to him this week he can't really talk because she is standing over him. She is doing some big LBing here I think. I want so much to ask him questions about her,but am afraid he will get mad. It's so hard to remain patient through all of this. I really like to at least here his voice on the phone daily because it feels so good and this week and also the weekends I never get to. He has come over to visit a few times and OW does not know this, she is under the impression that I am not talking to him.<P>The point I am trying to make is that patience has to be the key here. I know it is so hard and I am so afraid of another big let down, but I will hang in there and hope you do as well. My H has expressed fear in leaving her and that may delay things for me a bit. He has left me once before this last time so I don't know why he is so worried about her. He has told me there would be a big scene when he leaves her. Maybe your H has to prepare himself for that quest also.<P>I wish you luck and I hope he contacts you soon to put your mind at ease. I know how hard it is.<P>Pam<p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 24, 2000).]

Just hang in there, Hon. This is not unusual. She IS gonna give him a hard time - PT STILL does!!!! But that's ok. He'll waffle and get weak from time to time, but he will come through. Just be loving and patient.<P>Just a thought.....have you considered that, now that he's expressed that he wants his family back, maybe it's the time TO reach out to him a bit? I mean, one of Robert's hang-ups (and from your other posts, seems like you H is worried about it too) was that I really didn't want HIM. Maybe he needs a bit more reassurance from you right now to give him the strength to fight this battle??? You just follow your instincts, but I know now ('cause he told me) how much my cards, letters and calls meant to Robert when he was preparing to come home....yup, I guess I was setting myself up to be hurt, but you can't imagine (at least I couldn't) the things that go through their heads concerning us and how strong our love really is. It was important to Robert.<P>Just be strong, ok? You'll be fine.<P>Lori

Hi Lori,<P>I guess what I am concerned about is that I sent him an e-mail card and it was a picture of two teddy bears and a home and it was all cozy looking. It said "We hope and hope you are home soon." Then I signed it Love, L and the boys names. Well, I see that he picked it up yesterday and he never e-mailed me back. Of course the other woman could have been around when he got it. I am pretty sure she probably was. I know my husband had to work the last two days. She had the last two days off. They work opposite days.<P>He is supposed to have this weekend off but is going in for overtime. My kids are going to my parents this weekend which is three hours away. I do want to e-mail my husband and let him know they will be gone but I do worry that I will be pushing it. I was just thinking it would be really nice if he could come and we could have sometime for just the two of us. I don't know!<P>I sure hope that woman is getting scared and worried about what he does on his days off. I don't want to assume the worst but sometimes it is so hard!<P>Thanks for the support! I need it right now! <P>Woozy

I agree with someone...too lazy to look...sorry. <P>He has expressed a desire to be home, now you need to show you want him there. <P>Send a little email, saying what you told us, the kids will be gone, I will be here, I may be going to a friends, if you would like to come over let me know.<P>I don't think the "you, the kids, the house" is a red flag. I think that is a true statement. That IS who he is, he is your spouse, the kids father, a home owner with you. That defines him..he is missing the defination. And to say "I Want You" would be opening himself up for rejection.<P>He is testing the waters, and phrasing it that way makes it less hurtful if you were to say "forget you bud, you lost your chance".<P>I say, go with the email, you know he got the card, but is wtih OW, he is thinking of you, now that the weekend is near, make him think a little more. But not toooo mushy just the facts, love, Woozy...<P>Good luck!!<P>Or you could title it "Hey I'm hungry, what are you feeing me this weekend?" <P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Woozy,<P>Glad you got some sleep! You do not want to look haggard (even though you feel it).<P>I think 1) ow could have picked up e-mail, your h may have never seen it. Perhaps a call to him would be better. Just quick, that if he needs you or kids, here is where everyone is. I do think it is proper for you to keep him informed of where the kids are. At times HE may need reassurance, and not getting any answer is a real let down. Don't want the ow to comfort him about it, even if she does not know why he is down.<P>2) He is working overtime because he told you he would in order to help YOU and family out. He is working on HIS family, not working to develop future with ow. You know this must drive her crazy. Too bad. She is in pain, but it is not your or really your h's concern. She must untangle herself before she can get a clearer head and head toward peace. But no matter, she is on her own as far as your family is concerned, including your h. She will have others to turn to, seperate from you and h. H needs to work on his life (ie. his family) and she will have to do the same. This is the way each can get to a state of calm and restore peace in their minds in order to get a start. I do think you need to provide a safe place for him, and if he needs help in leaving her offer it if asked. Very low key. Mainly listen to his concerns and let him know you support him. Hope you have a good day. Victoria

Hi, just stopping in for a sec. You know, I never thought of it until I was in the middle of this, but I've found that Robert, as macho and stubborn as he can be, actually needs MORE reassurance than I do!!!! Not that I don't need any, but you have to remember, we've been fighting the good fight, staying loyal and loving. They have so much guilt to deal with. "How can you really love me after all that I've done to hurt you?". I've heard it SOOOOO many times.<P>You know, I sent Robert cards and letters most of the time he was gone, just news from home kinda stuff. When he asked about coming home, I still sent cards, funny ones, but those that got the message across as to how I felt about him, how terrific I believed he was....he didn't believe that. He kept ALL the cards and letters I ever sent him (didn't have e-mail).<P>He was expecting anger - I'm not angry, I'm just not. He was expecting to HAVE to pay - he doesn't have to. I just keep telling him that being together and happy forever is all I want from him. But, because I haven't asked for "restitution", I'm getting it! (You know how these guys can be sometimes..if I had insisted, he'd have walked away, I think! ).<P>I really think he NEEDS to know how you feel right now. And, back to PT - they weren't getting along at all. BUT, after he decided to leave, she became everything a man could want. And she managed to make him believe that the only reason they had problems was b/c of me and his family. It was ROUGH!!! But he got better and better. I knew we would be ok a couple of weeks after he moved home when he said "You know, when I run into her now, it doesn't change the way I feel about you!" Sweetest thing he ever said - almost! Once, after seeing her and talking to her (which usually caused us major problems), he told me "Knowing how much you really love me makes me strong." Can't ask for more than that, I figure.<P>Follow your heart now. And don't be disappointed WHEN he waffles. Be strong and consistant. His waffling, his doubts NEVER EVER affect you or your love for him (not in front of him anyway! ). You have a tremendous amount of power right now, believe it or not - more than OW or anyone else. Use your love to fuel his.<P>Good luck, Hon. I'm sending good thoughts your way!<P>lori

Woozy,<BR>I read in some book that it is good to "not be too needy". I know, much easier said than done but it gives us a goal to shoot for. Go ahead and tell you h that your kids are going to be gone but make sure you do tell him you are not sitting around the house on pins and neadles waiting for him. Remember, there is still a very strong emotional attachment to ow and it will not be easy for him to break it off with her. Just make sure you keep your house a safe place for him to be. Let ow do the selfish demands, not you. Look to God for your strength cause we truly need Him to get through this in one piece!

I agree with Derby...don't be TOO needy or it might scare him away. <P>Try not to be too emotional or "mushy" as Cat put it. These things take time. <P>Patience!!!!<P>I know the waiting must be so hard, but you are way ahead of a lot of us. Count your blessings.<P> <P>TB

Hi, Sounds to me like you're very much on the right track! You really ARE amazing! My closest friends tell me that I'm doing "much better than they would," but you have me beat! Right about now, I bet he's getting tired of her incessant jealous, demanding behavior. I don't know about you, but I don't know ANY man that likes that kind of a woman in his life over one that gives him unconditional love, friendship, and understanding. Continue on, and let her dig her own grave! (And don't forget to be loving and good to YOURSELF, too!) One last thing: Does she have access to his e-mail without his knowledge??<P>Oops! I also wanted to mention one other thing...the hickeys...how childish and insecure. <P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....<P>[This message has been edited by WoundedHeart (edited March 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WoundedHeart (edited March 24, 2000).]

Just a quick update! When I got back from taking the kids to school this morning, he was here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Oh my God! My heart was pounding! He told me he wasn't going to be able to work overtime this weekend before I said anything about the kids being gone! So, he was already looking for a way to be here with us! So, I told him the kids were going to be gone this weekend. I think that had him bothered. He wanted to know why I was sending them there. I told him I sent him an e-mail about it. I did. SO, he is coming over tomorrow at 6:45 am and we I am going to follow him to his mom's so he can take her his truck. Then we are going to come back and spend the day together. That is a 3 hour car trip we will have together. He said it would be like a date!<P>I asked him if he wanted to come home again. He said yes. Then, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to come home and I said yes! I told him I love him and that I still have faith in him. He said he just couldn't see a future anymore. I told him that when I saw him the last couple of times, his spark was back. I told him he looked like he had hope again! He told me he can never say he is sorry enough for what he has done. <P>When I said we should take the truck to his mom's, he said, well I am going to need it if I am going to move back home. I just told him we would find a way to get him here!<P>So, we shall see what tomorrow brings! Thank you all of you for all of the support! I will definitely update you!<P>Oh, he is going to talk to a guy he used to work with who got a different job. He is going to see if he can get a job where he is working. He drives a Schwan's Truck. This was his idea. I didn't tell him he had to quit his job. THis is what he is wanting to do. By the way, I got a new job today! I start April 3rd. I will be going full time and making $9.00 an hour to start and after two months, I will get a $300 bonus and a dollar an hour raise!<P>I am going to remember patience through all of this though! We talked about a lot of other things too!<P>I have to leave to go meet my mom! Thanks again to every single one of you for the support! You have made me feel so special and also much stronger!!!!!<P>Woozy

Woozy,<P>YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!<P>I'm doing a BIG happy dance!! <P>Have a great time but don't forget to fill us in!!! <P>Mitzi

Oh Woozy!!! I'm ecstatic for you!!! It's not going to be easy by a long shot, but you go girl!! You have all the qualities to make it work--the love, patience and understanding. Hopefully, the two of you will go to a good marriage counselor and work out the problems so it won't happen ever again. In our case, my husband never discusses his feelings with me when we're alone, but he doesn't hesitate much at all when we're with our counselor. I made it a point, by the way, to seek out a good MALE marriage counselor because in our case I knew it would make my husband feel more at ease and perhaps open up more...it worked. I don't really know you, but I send you my love and best wishes. Please DO let everyone know how you're doing.

Woozy, go girl!! Just one comment:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He said he just couldn't see a future anymore.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think the point is often missed that it takes not only choosing to come back, but a lot of HOPE.<P>Even after h was convinced he could not have a future with OW, he thought he would confess everything and move out. He had no hope it would work.<P>He found the hope reading SAA, he believed we could make it if we followed Harley's principles. He was the strong in his hope even though he still had withdrawal pains.

Woozy,<P>I told you I thought you farther along then I was. Great news!!!! Did you have time to read my email to you. Don't worry about it if you didn't just have fun tomorrow.<P>I think that is really great about the job. yippeee!!!!<P>Enjoy tomorrow!!!!Let me know how things go. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>