I think I have reached a new point. Much of the behavior that my H is exhibiting is truly disrespectful of me and our kids.<P>He claims to have no memory of OUR life together and says he didn';t love me.<P>He also has no tolerance for the kids. He just can't handle them. He was an incredibly devoted dad until nov.<P>He told me he is not the same person (like I don't know that).<P>His behavior and the OP's is truly obsessive and destructive. I know it can't go anywhere it is really unhealthy. <P>Anyway, I am starting to feel like I need to make plans for myself and the children to get out of here. I need to go to a place where I can get a jpb and have some more support. Even if it is a Parents without Partners group.<P>I am very isolated and sort of ostrasized here. It is a small town, very family oriented. We are truly an anomaly. My children are having a hard time at school and do not really want to play in the neighborhood. They feel too different. <P>Our live is completely opposite of what it was.<P>I want to be able to let the door open slightly but I really need to take some control of my life here especially for the kids. It's not like he has spent that much time with them. <P>HE is depressed and addicted and he can't see it . I can't make him see it either. But when he hits bottom it will not be a pretty sight.]<P>He mentioned "pretending" our marraige the other day and I wanted to tell him If he was pretending at least he was happy. (ANd he truly was) Now that he has found the meaning of life he is truly miserable. <P>Has anyone else done this.. Moved and continued to plan A???

Tootrusting<P>My H moved out in January and I tried to Plan A, but it didn't work. He only became more and more hateful to me. Please read "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It has a very good "last resort" plan that seems to be working for me. Even if my marriage doesn't work out, the plan helped me feel more in control. Sounds like you need to make some positive steps forward for your own mental health and the health of your children. Why should you move? Why not him? He's the one who betrayed the marriage. Why should he get to stay while you pick up kids and move? Ultimately, whatever you do is your decision. Try focusing on: "I want, I need, I am..." instead of "He wants, He needs, He is..." It will help you get some measure of control.<P>(((hugs)))<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Tootrusting,<P> I've been married for 18 years and last august when I was number 1 on my wifes $hit list she would<P>Consider me useless<BR>Talk about how the last 19 years of her life have been (DO THE MATH) <BR>She would got to OM for advice<P>Now she did also talk to me and it took a long time but slowly oh so slowly she was no longer disgusted with me the day we were married or any other important days.<P>Your H is off someplace where I don't think either of us can understand. I harded going though it with my wife. Nothing have your face rubbed in everything and anything hurtful the OP can come up with.<P> Try and let it slide off to the side. Try not to let it eat you up. It sounds to me like the two of you are at a point where all you do is fight. If you can't get to a point where the two of you can start to talk then maybe a little distance would help. I do want to warn you that until the OW is out of his life it will be very pain to talk about it. I help my wife deal with who she wanted. I HATED IT !!! I TRIED TO SUPPORT HER AND HELP HER COPE WITH HER PAIN!!!!! All I really wanted to do was to hit her and tell her what she could do with her pain.<P> Take a deep breath and determine what you really want. don't let the current events change your view of things.<P>I'll be praying for you<P>Joe

I feel for you. I know how bad it hurts to have them tell you and anyone else who will listen that they never loved you. It is a terrible pain to go through. They find anything they can to validate their affair and the way they are treating you and the children. Now all of a sudden you are this horrible monster who never did one thing for them. Obviously we mistook them for a loving and caring person. NOT.....they were and still are.....but they are so full of themselves right now.....wanting to hurt someone so they don't feel the pain...the pain that is rightfully theirs.<P>I sometimes have so much hurt that it is overwhelming. The kind of pain that makes you want to pack everything up and move....move far away, and start your life over again.<P>But it is us, the betrayed that must pick up the pieces.....clean up the mess....that they have left behind. It is a tiresome job....an emotional job.....an overwhelming job....one that they, being weak, could not handle.<P>I think of myself as the strongest between my stbx and myself. I sometimes think my strength scares him.....and sometimes myself.<P>We will make it.<P>I live in a very, very small town. They know everything. At first I could hardly walk outside. But now I do....I smile....hold my head up....because I did nothing wrong. I realized...I know the truth....and maybe some day they will too. But for now.....I just keep going, someone has to for the children.<P>Nancy

Thanks for the support. I have really been feeling depressed these past few days. Reading a lot of posts has been helpful<P>It reminds you that this is all typical. Somehow it helps you realize that it is NOT you!!!!<P><BR>but it is so difficult to hear that they do not remember anything. And that they are not the same person when you know that if they would just get out of the unhealthy relationship they are in they would be able to remember.<P>I can see why affairs lead to the end of marraiges. It is because as the betrayed you are so battered that all you want to do is run away!!!!!!!!! It is much more difficult to stand firm and wait it out. <P><BR>I am trying to,but I hve to tell you I need to know that I have an out. So I am looking for a different place for me and the kids. If my H cannot detach himself from the OP because of dependence on her at work then I cannot go on here. Meanwhile I am trying to rebuild the safety. <P>One big problem is the children (2) . He has little tolerance for normal behavior and I cannot make them be perfect robots. <P>Any suggestions????????

Tootrusting,<P> It is hard to wait it out. That is one reason why you need to work on yourself. Somehow push this mess out and work on ourself.<P> If you get the chance talk to him, don't attack him, be his friend who want so to help him. By doing this YOUR BEING A GOOD SUPPORT AND SOMEONE HE CAN COME TO. Of coarse at the same time you just may find some information that can help you. I do need to warn you that it hurts to sit there and help your spouse deal with problems IN THERE DAMN AFFAIR!!! I did this and it hurt but we slowly got to a point that we could talk honestly and openly about it.<P> Hang in there we are all here for you.<P>Joe<BR>

tootrusting,<P>My H also has no tolerance for the kids' normal behavior. He acts like there is something seriously wrong with some of them. This is the same man who previously didn't understand what I meant if I complained about temper tantrums. He once said our daughter acted ok with him - but our semi-adult daughter, who was also with them, had a completely different story. Things that he apparently never paid any attention to now bother him - or the OW.

I have no advice on the children part. My stbx treats them so terribly. I am hoping that maybe someone can shed some light for the both of us, actually for quite a few of us. I really believe that their father doesn't know what love is anymore. He has been fooled by an immitation love from the OW that the real way love is suppose to be has flown out the window. Hope they all wake up.<P>Nancy

tootrusting:<P>My opinion is that you should get away from him. I sometimes listen to Dr. Harley's radio show over RealPlayer. It's fascinating. Let me summarize some points from there for you based on Harley's comments to similar situations:<P>1. There is virtually NO CHANCE that the affair will work out if you give it enough time (up to two years). They almost never do.<P>2. The real danger is NOT that your husband won't come back to you, but that YOU will not be willing to take him back when he does (think about Lor's example here).<P>3. When people are "in love", they become stupid. What he is doing now is illogical and probably insane. When he comes back to earth, he's probably not going to be willing to lose everything (kids, you, etc.), because of this affair. Once the passion is gone, there is nothing to hold an affair together.<P>4. Your primary concern has to be protecting YOUR love bank. Your husband's repetitive inconsiderate, thoughtless and dishonorable behavior drains your love, making it less likely you'll take him back when he wants to come back.<P>5. So, when it becomes too difficult and draining to deal with him, you go to Plan B and get away. Moving is fine. The primary purpose of Plan B is to protect your love bank while you wait for the affair to die on its own and for him to want to come back and want to work on the marriage. There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to make him end his affair. You cannot compete with the power of the inlove feeling (and probably neither can your husband). That part must come from him. All you can give him is time.<P>Hope this helps. It did help me through much of the limbo time, although as you know, I still don't know what the **** I'm doing.<BR>

tootrusting,<BR> Don't worry about the kids.Kids will be kids.What does he think they're in...the military?I got all that crap,too.That's why I'm not going to respond to her letter.Why should I after being treated like a lowlife reject.At first,when I sent her letters(3 pages of all the good things I did for her),I signed them"The Horrible Spouse".That's how she made me feel.I felt like I busted my butt doing things for her,and her family.Maybe moving would be a good idea for you.Get your kids out of there.<BR>You're not alone in this.<BR> Distressed, I have Real Player,but haven't used it much.How do I listen tO Harley's radio show?Sounds interesting.<BR> --Murph

Murph,<P>Click on the "radio" icon at the top of the page. Then click on the "listen to the live broadcast". It's on from 2pm - 3 pm central time Mon-Fri. It's really good. Enjoy!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

tootrusting,<P>Okay I only read your first post. My attention span and eye sight are getting worse as the night goes on. But your question about you moving away and continuing doin plan A will I have been doing it since Aug. I moved two hours away from my H. I don't have young children but I moved in with my D and her family for 6 months. My S and I have just moved again we are still two hours away from H but in a different direction. I have been sending him chatty letters and cards this whole time nothing loving like what you would send a really good friend cards of encouragement ;like I will always be here for you and miss you cards. <P>It seeems to be working you responded to my post. In fact I think Harley even recommends the movein SAA. By doing this they are really on their own. <P>My two cents {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

tootrusting---<P>You sound like you are in the same place that I was last week. I was at the end of my rope and it was another lie that made me explode.<P>I went to see a counselor on Tuesday. Although the messages and vents here really helped me, it felt soooo good to vent to someone face to face. I feel like a new person this week (sort of anyway). She told me that I was definitely out of gas, emotionally and almost physically. She gave some really good ideas to help me "recharge" my batteries.<P>A couple of ideas she suggested were:<BR>1) find a close friend you can go to. Don't be afraid of judgement...you did nothing wrong! I finally turned to a friend of mine (didn't tell him all of the details), but it felt good to have someone ask me "how I was doing" every day. She did suggest that I talk to a friend of the same sex...she told me I was "ripe" for an affair...I was looking for emotional suppport, something an affair does for you.<BR>2) keep a journal and/or keeping posting here. It helps a lot to write your feelings down.<BR>3) Don't be afraid to do things for yourself!! Take a weekend trip or find an activity that you like to do.<P>Please see a counselor if you really feel down. You don't want to make the same "mistakes" that your S did because of your feelings.<P>Take care and know that we are praying for you!<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano