Well my H told me yesterday that he was requesting a transfer to a different office to get the OW out of his life forever. I asked him why and he said he was doing it because it was what I wanted and that he did not want it to influence our future whatever that might be. I think that he has been in withdrawal for awhile because he has said that he was separating from her a few weeks ago. The problem is that he just doesn't seem to want to live. He says that he loves me and told our counselor that but has a lot of other issues that he is dealing with, past problems that we have had and not understanding how they could happen if we loved one another. He refuses to 'do' anything because he doesn't want to give me the wrong impression that things are okay. I think that he finally feels that he is getting the things from me that he needs, but by acknowledging them he thinks I will stop showing him that I care.(?) I asked him, well what kind of impression do you think that I am getting from your lack of action. He said that he loves me and that his lack of action does not mean that he does not care. He says that he does not want to do things that we enjoy or let me see him enjoying things for the same reason. Although if I talk about doing something, he is always ready to go, or suggests where we could go and he keeps talking about doing things in the future...house remodeling, vacations, etc. Have any of you heard or experienced this? Is this common when someone is going through withdrawal and how should I handle it? It is like he just doesn't want to have to do anything, just wants me to be the one in charge and take care of him. I think that the best thing I can do is not push our relationship, but just 'be' our relationship. Talk to him, include him in doing things that we enjoy, love him and take care of him and let him see for himself that it is real and that he can feel good again. Is this a realistic approach? I just feel that right now things are moving into a delicate area and that his emotions are going to be pretty close to the surface and I don't want to bruise them anymore than they already are.<BR>Advice????

Victoria,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>He refuses to 'do' anything because he doesn't want to give me the wrong impression that things are okay. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>YES!</B> That is exactly what is happening to me. My W won't show ANY response to the improvements in our relationship, and she uses those exact words.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I asked him, well what kind of impression do you think that I am getting from your lack of action. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, positive feedback is so dangerous!<P>I think there is a fear behind this - fear that the improvements may be temporary, fear that believing in the changes removes any last justification for lingering feelings for the OP - something.<P>Don't they understand that continued withdrawal and withholding positive feedback will inevitably lead to failure of the relationship?<P>Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one experiencing this. It sucks, because it is like adding insult to injury. But what can we do?<BR>

I would tend to agree that a lot of the behavior could be fear driven. But how long does it take to get over that kind of fear. My H has convinced himself that things are going to be a certain way and that he feels a certain way, and he can be very stubborn. But stubborn to the point of destroying his family?? The thing is, that he would not be happy without us. His family means everything to him and he is not himself without family around him. But I just don't want him to immerse himself in our children and ignore our situation either which I think could happen. It is very easy to get so involved with kids activities that the time slips by before you know it. I emphasize the need for us to do things together without the kids, that it is not being selfish to devote some time to us, it is necessary to promote a healthy relationship. I don't know if he hears me, but sometimes we'll be doing something and he will look at me and smile or we will get to laughing and for a moment I see a relaxed happy man, but then it is like he realizes it and reels him back in. Is this a normal response too? It seems that a lot of times his actions and his words don't match. Which do I believe at this point? I think that I am getting more confused instead of less, because I keep looking for a hidden motive in what he is doing. I think it is time to step back , take a deep breath and then go out for a nice long run. It always clears my mind. Help!