I have no close family except for my kids and my sister, and she doesn't live on the same continent, and I don't hear from her for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. There really isn't anyone who cares about me a whole lot except my kids, and I am responsible for them, not the other way around. <P>When the kids learn something new, or do something special, there is no other adult with whom I can share it. My H apparently doesn't care at all about their day-to-day lives anymore. I miss that far more than anything else. There is no one to share my concerns with, no one to share the details of their growing up with, no one to whom they are anywhere near as important as they are to me. Even if they had doting grandparents, it would be something - but my parents died long ago, and their one remaining grandfather is distant. We have no real family, except the kids and me. <P>What exactly do I have to look forward to? I will do the best I can to raise the kids, but then they will go off and live their own lives, as they should, and I will be totally alone. Of course maybe I will die of old age before my youngest is an adult. My sister is a great deal older than I, and I don't think she cares much about whether she lives or dies, since her son was murdered. <P>I wish I had not believed it when people said it would get better. It has been over a year and it is far, far, worse. I don't think anyone, even those divorced, can understand what it feels like to be hated by the one adult you love, hated for no reason, unless you have been in that situation.

Nellie, I know how you feel and it's a horrible, lonely, scary experience. I have two sisters, one of whom is bitter and absorbed in her own wretched life. The other one has a wonderful life and is a sympathetic listener but, let's face it, even family members only want to hear so much. My sister has so much as told me that I made my own choice when I married him and it's my lot in life now to learn to live with the consequences (a la Dr. Laura). <BR>My mother is 82 and so ill she cannot even speak anymore and my children have no one besides me. My H's mother is a cruel, mentally ill woman, both of my kids' grandfathers are dead and as far as cousins, well, they never see them. I have told them that God must be their father and their source of strength. Of course, I am their tangible source of security and comfort but they need to be aware of a larger, omnipotent source of comfort as well. You are not alone, Nellie. And try not to think too far ahead -- the thought of being alone, the empty-nest syndrome, is just too much to deal with right now, at least for me.

Nellie, I understand a little of what you are going through. I have no family. My mom and dad died early in my marraige. There are times that I scream for my mom now!! I am lucky because I have his family as support but they are far away also. <P>My phone bills have been as high as 500 dollars. I am trying to stop obsessing about it;. <P>His mom wants me to treat her as my own mom and cries with me daily, but she is his mom and no matter what will always be!!!! It is hard for her to view this as an illness. She keeps wanting to find a rational explanation. There is none. <P>I don't have as much of the anger as you do, but I have the bizzaar ideations. The phychic connection thing. The I am on a mission thing. It is still depressing. <P>I live in a small very christian, family town. We are an anomaly right now. <P>I am starting to feel trapped myself. <P>I am starting to explore areas that would not be too far that I might like to live. I will do it in a non threatening way and try to leave the door open, but I feel like I should get to make some decisions also. <P>I would have a hard time working here, as the three of us (H OP and me) do work that would bring us together in a certain way.<P>I do want the ability to utilize my education to my advantage. He walked out and said "the kids will be fine", he doesn't want me to leave so he can come get his fix of the kids for an hour, but don't I have the right to be happy too??<P><BR>I kindof feel that if I am happy, so will my kids be. I think I may need a breath of fresh air. Maybe we do need to move on yet leave the door open, if we ourselves are miserable!!!! I don't know if this is MB principles or not, but I do know that he should not be the only one to have choices. He certainly did not give me or our children any>>>>> I guess I am feeling somewhat depressed today also. I probalby was not much help, but know that I really am feeling what you are feeling. I look for your posts all the time because I hear myself in what you write.

Nellie, your H and mine must be on the same timeline. I just read one of your replies to another poster and you mentioned that your H and the OW have been carrying on for seventeen months and that it's been over a year since he moved out. That's how it is in my case. He left last January, met up with the OW October before he left. It shows no signs of slowing down, either. There are both co-dependent, angry, emotionally needy people. It is him and her against the world. The more time passes, the more they alienate themselves from the rest of the REAL world, including family, friends -- their own children, for heaven's sake. But their own ego, pride and selfishness stand in the way of admitting they were wrong and turning back. You think you are alone? Our husbands are going to be the ones who are alone someday. Because, sooner or later, the OP is not going to be enough. As Harley pointed out, these things don't last because they are based on lies, deceit and betrayal.

nellie,<BR>I think it was John Donne who wrote "no man is an island" you do not have a significant other to love you at this point, but you are not alone.<P>It is scary, not mormal for us, having all the good and bad times with the kids and no one significant to share this with, but in reality this does make us somewhat stronger and more emotionally capable...dealing with EVERYTHING, in the midst of these messes.<P>My niece who worked as a student for H until last summer, stated "when H gets old, there will be no-one to look after him, care for him..."and this is HIS niece. I am not looking that far, and know that if I could get through the past 14 months on my own, I can do anything on my own.....and so can you, even if you do not think so. <P>In any case, as your children leave home and go forth into the world, your horizons will increase with new contacts...and different goals and focus in life and this, whether singly or alone will be a new chapter in your life.<P>It will be at this point, if your H never comes back, that he will no longer have anysay in terms of co-parenting...but I know that this is in a very long time for you<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{nellie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>take care of yourself

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NELLIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>Sometimes friends are closer than any blood relative could ever be! Keep on hanging in there. I think you are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. I really don't know what to say, but that I will say a prayer for you tonight. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

MovingOn,<P>My H's affair also started in October, 1998, and he left in Feb, 1999. I know Harley, Pittman, etc., say these things don't last - but that's not what my acquaintances say. One of the things that bothers me most is the prospect of the kids learning by his example that happiness can be achieved at the expense of those who love you. <P>tootrusting,<P>I don't even know how much luck I would have trying to find somewhere else to live. I have already had one landlord tell me that he wanted to rent to a two-income family - I am sure that was illegal, but I don't have the money to fight it. If I'd had any idea my H was ever going to leave, I would never have consented to selling our house in a town that I considered home, only to end up in a strange town in a tiny house we hate. But apparently all the decisions I made during our marriage were made in the absence of sufficient information, information which he was privy to, but didn't bother to share.<P>Willbok,<P>I don't feel stronger. I used to feel like a capable person, but although I am still functional, I feel like I am just going through the motions. <P>I am glad in many ways that I won't have to worry about empty nest syndrome until I am of retirement age. My mother died about the age that I will be when our youngest finishes school.

jamie-lee,<P>Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, all my friends are married and busy with their own families. They are supportive, but my H was my best friend for 25 years.

Nellie:<P>I know this must be so hard for you, with so little support. You DO need and deserve someone to offer support, and to share your parenting ups'n'downs. Yo DO need to develop friends you can enjoy, regardless of anything else going on in your life.<P>I dk about where you live, but around here I'd suggest you might look into Parents w/o partners; and also several churches who have recovering from divorce/separation groups.<P>I hope things WILL get better for you. Getting better does not always involve your spouse coming to their senses...sometimes it means doing better for YOU and your kids.<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi<P>

Nellie,<P>I know how you are feeling as I have gone through and am still going through some of the same things.<P>I have a sister that is 200 miles away. She never called me once since July of last year. I've called her 3-4 times, once after she had an emergency gall bladder surgery.<P>My support has come through my counselor, who i haven't seen now since Feb 1 and some friendships which I have forged. As a guy, I have had problems in discussing my problems with others, but I decide early on I wasn't going to suffer in silence.<P>So I spilled my guts. I'm not afraid to tell others and I try to spread it around so as not to drag them down. My phone bill has been running $200 a month plus my cell bill at $100. <P>I don't have any single friends either, and one I tried to make doesn't have the same outlook on life that I do so I don't think it will work.<P>As for dating, I found I was looking too hard and was looking for a replacement life.<P>I read somewhere that once you are comfortable being alone, that is when you are ready for a relationship. <P>Please keep posting, and don't be afraid to talk to others, there are more that have been in our boat than you can imagine.<P>God Bless<P>Bob

Kathi,<P>Unfortunately, the two people I know personally who tried PWP had horrible experiences with the men they met there. The new minister of the church we used to attend left her H for another woman.<P>Bob,<P>Somehow I doubt that I will ever be ready for another relationship.<P>Kids have two parents for a reason. A year or so before he left, my H said he would have liked to have had more kids if we could have afforded it. Why? So he could hurt more people?