Hi guys,<BR>Sorry to disappoint, but it appears my Wife isn't ready to be back in the marriage 100%.... Quick update, She called me last week and said she was ready to work on the marriage, We talked all week over the phone and I finally saw her at the beginning of the week. We spent a few hours together putting up christmas decorations, We ate dinner, and then even managed to get close to each other, Smooching in front of the fire. Then as quick as it began, It was over and she was heading home.<P>The past 2 days have been hell, She is now back to not knowing what she wants. She still wants to talk with her "friend" and says she is fighting that but is unsure if she can beat it. We had our first Joint Counseling session last night, She is using counseling to make up her mind about us, Not to work on us...... I am there to make it work. I am so sad, I trusted her when she said she was ready and now she isn't and says she feels pressured...... again.<P>Yes, I had some expectations. Probably too many but I thought she was ready to make a go at this........ I was wrong. I guess I have to learn to go slow, That is hard for me but I am working on it. Has anyone else been here???? Am I way out of whack to have any expectations from her, Is that unreasonable???? To expect her to see only me and to rely on only me for emotional support. I just want her to give me a genuine chance to show her that I am capable of giving her the support she needs. She just needs to trust me...... <P>I am rambling now, Sorry. Thanks for listening but I truely feel like I am back to square one with her and it hurts. I was so ready for this to work and yet I guess I was setting myself up for the fall. In the back of my mind I knew this would happen. On the other hand I may just be over reacting, which would be the norm for me these days......<P>Take care.....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Rutger</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm sorry for what your W did to you...<P>Just a thought or two...<BR>You remember in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>... when <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> attempts to have the OP satisfy <B>all</B> the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of the wayward...<P>Well... it's just as hard (<B>maybe harder</B>) for the betrayed to satisfy <B>all</B> (or even most) of the waywards <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Don't be hard on youself... <BR>Her withdrawal... if it really has started... isn't going to be an overnight process! Give it a month...or two... or more... maybe even up to the length of the affair itself (maybe even a little more!)<P>It's not <B>you</B> who has to come around... it's your W... Don't kill yourself on what you <I>can't</I> control! <B>Yes</B>... maybe it's time to lower expectations... take a reality check...<P>Working from withdrawal through recovery requires a difficult following of a loving and patient <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>I know you're not into this religious stuff...<BR>but... tough anyway... I'll still pray for you! <P>Jim

Rutger:<P>You're nowhere near "square 1". You just need to be patient, consistent in exhibiting your new behaviors, and show her that you are trustworthy, and you're willing to do this listening and respecting her feelings as well as yours.<P>When the chance for recovery gets close, things can actually be much more difficult for you. PATIENCE!!!

HI rutger, yes, these things are expectd, but hurt nonetheless. They hurt a lot. I am very sorry. Keep faith that you are doing the right thing! (((hugs))) cl

Rutger -- I'm so sorry for the dip on this ride you have encountered. When I hadn't seen a post from you since her telling you she wanted to work things out, I just assumed things were going well.<P>Don't give up just yet though my friend. K is right when she says that the closer we get to our goal, the more difficult things can seem.<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>God Bless

Rutger, I know it is a huge disappointment, been through it many times myself. One way to look at it is, even though she had those days of saying she wanted it to work and now isn't sure, nothing has changed. You still have the basic same situation, you still know what you want and all you can do it work toward the marriage as you have been.<P>Try very hard not to tie your emotions to hers. Not easy at all, but if you can do that and see her situation as the same--no matter what she is saying to you--it makes the roller coaster a little less wild.<P>God bless.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Rutger,<P>The positive side I see is this - she hasn't decided she DOESN'T want you. She just wants to try to figure out a way to come home AND keep the boyfriend - called "bargaining". Don't fall for it, but the bottom hasn't fallen out, yet, either. She is still fence sitting trying to get the most out of this deal. Keep up your good efforts to meet her needs!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi, Rutger. K's right you know.<P>This is normal. And I know you expected a little of it, even though you didn't WANT it.<P>You've done a great job so far, my friend. Just keep it up. Work on that patience of yours (I mean, look how much better at it you already are!! ) and try to keep rolling w/ the punches.<P>It's gonna take her a while. Only you know whether or not you can hang in there. But I believe you can!!!<P>I'll talk to you later. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Rutger}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Lori

Hey Rutger, <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Has anyone else been here????<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have have - actually I'm there now. And it hurts a lot. Keep your resolve Rutger. Press forward to amke things work regardless of what your wife says or does. That's what I'm trying to do. We have to give it our best. I can't live with any regrets concerning this - you shouldn't either. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Am I way out of whack to have any expectations from her, Is that unreasonable????<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, this is a good question. You want to have some expectations. You want to know that you aren't doing this in vain. You want some effort from her. But, I honestly think you and I should not expect anything right now. Give all you can. In fact, try giving beyond what you think is possible. Stretch beyond your personal limits. I know it's a kick in the gut when our wives say something that we don't expect. Or we start trusting again and then - boom. <P>More patience, more time - lots of time. <P>I'm right beside ya buddy. <P>SHA

NSR,<BR>Thanks, You really know the Harley pricibles well. I needed that. Reality check is here!!! I will have to lower my expectations if I want this to work, And I do want to grow old with her. I will need your prayers because she is in withdrawl big time and it has only been a week or so. I hope she can stay strong for both our sakes.<P>K,<BR>Ya, I know. I am well beyond square 1. I just feel like it sometime and yesterday was really hard. But in the grand scene of things it was just 1 bad day. I am trying to stay focused on my goal of being happy with her again. Patience.......<P>CL,<BR>Thanks, They do hurt but it is to be expected.... I have accepted that.<P>EMPTY SHELL,<BR>Hey pal, The funny thing was that things were going well. I think that was the problem, She got scared and I expected more. If this is going to work I will have to lower my expectations, Which I have done as of today. Every day I learn something new and I think thats important. I am far from giving up, I love her. How can I give up on that??<P>LOR,<BR>It is slowly sinking in that nothing has changed. It is hard though because as you know I was on cloud 9 a few days ago because I thought she was in it for the long ride. It's hard not to be affected by her mood, When she is sad I am sad and so on.... I will try though...... Thank you<P>ROLL ME AWAY,<BR>Your right, She hasen't decided that she doesn't want to be with me and I guess that means I still have a fighting chance. I will be Plan A'ing to the max. As long as I can stand it anyways. Thanks<P>LOSTVA,<BR>I know..... Waffling. Thank you, I am trying to just show her the new me. If she will let me, I will be there for her. I want to do it, Not just cause I have to but because I really want to..... She's my wife, I love her.... Go figure. Thanks<P>SIR HURTS ALOT,<BR>I absolutely agree about the regrets, That is a killer. I want to be able to look back on this and have none. To know that I did my best. I have come to the same conclusion, No expectations. Not right now. It is nice to hear every once in awhile that your efforts aren't in vain, When it doesn't come it hurts. I am learning though that is what love is, Give, Give, Give and don't expect. I will give to her until I can't anymore..... I am so sorry for what you are dealing with my friend, I know how you feel now. Thank you for being beside me when I need it and remember that I am next to you if you need me as well..... <P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Little update,<BR>Talked with her today a few times, She seemed really sad and just generally down. I feel so bad for her and how sad she is, I wish there was something I could do.<P> Something I left out earlier was that the counselor has asked her to make a decision on OM as to her talking with him instead of me. This is to be made by her by our next couseling session. She pointed out to my W that if she wants the joint counseling to work that it can only be us and not have a 3rd party involved. My W agreed and will give it some thought........ Now our next session is in 10 days, That will decide alot.<P>In talking with her today, She said she thinks she may be in love with him. That is the first time I have heard that. It hurt but I can't do anything about it. She is in a fantasy world with him, I know it'll never work. If she can just make it through this withdrawl we may do alot better. If it was just us.......... We'll see.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Hang tough Rutger...<P>Prayers coming to you to cover this weekend... <P>Jim

Rutger - It WILL be just you guys. Give it time. She's nuts right now, remember??? <P>Just be strong, be patient and be understanding. Not a big job, huh? Hey, look how much you've already been through. Piece of cake!!!<P>Take all those wonderful patience and waffling lectures you've given me and, well, "Physician, heal thyself". Sorry!! But you ALWAYS throw my words back at me!!! <P>Sending tons of good thoughts your way. Hang in there and be strong, friend.<P>Lori

Rutger,<BR>Hang in there, you've received some good advice here.<P>My stbx was doing the same thing. om dumped her and she came back to me for about a week. Then I felt her pulling away again and knew om was back in the picture and he was.<P>You still have a chance, don't let my situation color your judgement. My situation was alot worse than I ever knew. My stbx simply wanted out of the marriage and now doesn't want to be alone.