Hi,<P> If any of you has read my previous posts, my w has had an affair for the last year (8 months since d-day). She left for a month or so and came back wanting to work on the marriage, but is now contacting the om (long distance) and we are back where we started.<BR> She keeps asking for space, which is hard for me to do, since we are in the same house. I feel the need to tell her how I feel about her and how I want to rebuild our marriage. When I do this (often at night in bed before sleep), She complains that I'm pushing her. i realise this and know that if I keep this up, she will bolt. Should I just never discuss "us" or tell her I love her? I don't want her to think I don't care!<BR> Has anyone out there found a way to do this correctly? I need advice.<P>Arrow

I don't know if this is "correct" or not but this is exactly one of the many reasons I thought it was best that my H, who has been betraying me for two years, move out.<P>With him being right under my nose all the time, I was unintentionally pressuring him. It is one thing that he "wants" to do the right thing but it is quite another when he is pushed into it, intentionally or unintentinally.<P>With us being separated, he can come to the right decision for the right reason, which, God willing, will bring all the suffering to an end faster and minimize the probability of us repeating this whole episode again.<P>In the past when we dealt with infidelity issues, when he initially met this OW and I learned of it, we did not separate. We stayed in the same house and I was unintentionally pressuring him (with all of this MB info, believe it or not...) and I pushed him right into the arms of the OW while all along he played along with trying to work out the marriage...it was crisis style of management regarding our marriage...and he did it because he didn't want to divorce but I didn't give him the space he needed to bring his feelings to a head for this OW and thus, pushed him right into her arms.<P>Further, by separating, he will have a greater appreciation for what it is he will be losing. Same with your wife. She's away from him right now so he looks mighty fine. And laying next to you, feeling pressured, makes you look like the bad guy. By separating it could actually improve your image in her mind's eye.<P>Mind you, separating could also lead to a more permanent separation...that is always the risk...but for myself, I'd rather end up divorced for the right reasons than to continue on with this kind of marriage. I can't live this way. And if he can't come to the right decision for the right reason, then I'm happy he's out of the house.<P>Like I said, I don't know if any of this is "correct" but this is my own thought on the subject based on my own doings. Hope it is of some help for you.

Is there hope,<BR> What you say makes a lot of sense. When she left, I think she missed our family terribly, but now I'm the bad guy and he is "perfect". I think the best thing is for her to move out on her own. Risky, yes. I know you feel this way, it really sucks to try and do the right thing and get lambasted for it! Thanks for the reply. How long has you h been gone?<P>Arrow

Arrow,<P> Your right it's not easy to do the right thing. My wife had a short affair but went though the same things. This OM was at one time a god. We were able to talk but she talked about how strong the fantasy was. She knew it was a fantasy but that didn't help to get over it. <P> What finally broke this addiction was when she was able to pick apart what this relationship actually was and then what she found is that it really didn't contain anything. What she really wanted was the missing pieces to have been filled in by me not the OM.

LOL H has been gone only days! And has yet to stay away a full day. So it is effective, I feel. I've known about the reality of the affair now for 5 weeks and one day. I've been kindly telling him all along I needed him to move out and very early on packed for him for a full week and he only managed two nights away and they weren't even consecutive nights!<P>However, this time he has finally realized that he does "need" to be away as well which I think is why he has managed to do so with greater success.<P>However, we didn't do a true Plan B. Unlike your wife, he is going to counseling, has chosen w/o pressure from me to end his affair with her, has ended the phone calls-or so the story goes, and has made an agreement with the counselor to work on our marriage AFTER he works on his withdrawal from this OW and AFTER he works on dong some growing up...we will then attend marriage counseling. <P>So I'm a bit further along with this than you are BUT...My H has had 2 YEARS to sort things out with this OW and I think had I found out earlier, we'd be a bit stale mated like you.<P>Still, given how your Plan A isn't working given all the time you have put into it and how she is resisting even more, perhaps separation will be the wake up call she needs to get her life in order. <P>Personally, I don't believe in Plan A. All it did was teach him that I won't bolt when he does the most hurtful thing...which he understood to mean he could do it again and get away with it. Won't debate over it, I've no training in counseling and I'm sure for some betrayers it is all they need to come around. But for me personally, I'd never recommend it. Plan A is just too difficult for the one who has been betrayed. We get the rug pulled out from under our feets and then we have to become super human to lure them back when we are at the weakest point in our life emotionally. Plan A is a real "turn the other cheek" scenario. (Okay, done venting!)<P>Hope this helps you somehow Arrow. I can appreciate your pain and frustration.<P>Best of luck!

Arrow,<P>I did the same thing and pushed my h right into the waiting arms of the OW. Of course in my heart of hearts. I think no matter what I did he would have left because he had to find out that it was all a fantasy.<P>Yes it is very risky, if you are ready to take the risk them do plan A. ANd that means no talking about the affair or your marriage because that would be LB in you case. SHow her you care doing little things. If she wants to talk then listen don't say anything except to let her know you heard and understood. DO nice things for her and yest tell her you love her and care for her.<P>This will not stop her from leaving but you will earn those love deposits and not withdraw any like you do when you talk about the marriage. ANd yest before bed is the worse time I know experience speaking.<P>If she does leave write letters and send nice card not the romantic ones but the encouragement and miss you cards.<P>ANyway that is what is working for me.<P>We have take a small step toward him coming back. ANd I plan on continuing doing what i have been doing.<P><P>------------------<BR>di<P>