I apologize for the dual post but I was told this would be better placed in here. It's been a month since I spoke to my wife about our "distance" and discovered her EA a week later. We are still living in the same house. A week ago, my wife suggested that a separation may be needed for her to deal with her anger, frustration and other emotions before she can decide if she wants to rebuild. I have fought separation and even though I have been trying to meet her needs, she refuses to accept them from me and sees them negatively.<BR>She told me this morning that she sees separation as the only alternative at this point. She can't seem to get over her feelings with me around. We exist in some kind of hellish limbo. I try to do things around the house, with the kids and for her and they make her even angrier. She may be right that separating will be good for both of us, but I don't believe it. So now, should we separate, should I fight it, should I be the one to leave or her? I recognize my role in "disolving" our marriage but I'm willing to work out our issues. She's the one who decided to have an affair and now wants me to leave. I just don't think it's fair. I have conceeded nearly everything so far but feel I should stand my ground. If she does leave, I expect she will try to take our 2 sons with her. I'm not sure I'm ready to take over the household completely but it's my home too. I can not say how much this truly sucks but most of your already know how I feel.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

Hi NickM -<P>I don't know where else you posted, so this is the first I have seen of your story.....Welcome!!!<P>I am so sorry that you and your family find yourselves in this situation. Rest assured, however, that this place will help you through it!!! Make sure to read everything around here.....it's the only way to get yourself prepared for what lay ahead. <P>Once you have read and understand what you need to do - Plan A, etc. then you start working on yourself. <P>As far as separating, well - it is always better if that can be prevented.<BR>If she insists and can't seem to get past it, then my suggestion is to talk about her being the one to leave and without the children. It is her that wants out of the marriage and family unit and therefore HER that should exit it!!! Your house in the "family home" and she is the one wanting to leave the family. She should be the one to do that then - not you!! And the children should not have to be uprooting from the stability of their home, either. <P>Those kids will have so much to deal with as it is, that they shouldn't have to endure anything added.<P>If she needs time to think, then she needs to separate HERSELF and go and do that.<P>I hope this helps some....I would not leave your home and children if I were you. You don't want this, you are willing to work on things and you need not leave!!<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Hi! and welcome.<P>What are the chances that she is still seeing him?(OM) It sounds like she is split in her feelings between him and you.(I am there)<P>Because she had the affair, she was already "leaving" you. <P>The one problem I (as the betrayer) see by seperating, is that she would then have free reign to contact him and continue the relationship with(OM). On the other hand I can truely understand where she feels like a seperation is in need. She has probably betrayed everything she stands for in having the affair. Respect, truth, honor, morals, values, you and your children. She very well may need the time to come to terms with what she has done. In staying in the home, the marriage sometimes goes back into being familiar. That is hard. As the betrayer, obviously feelings have changed(also for you). <P>If she really needs the seperation, give her no choice of taking the children. keep the children with you in your home for stability. They are going to be hurt. <P>Maybe you could suggest that there is not any pressure on her right now. perhaps she could sleep elsewhere. On the couch(after kids are asleep and get up before they do) or in another room. don't get undressed in front of each other and no sexual relations(that makes it even more confusing if your sex life remains the same). The marriage you knew before is over. It is time to try and build another. That takes newness in the relationship. <P>I am not sure if that will help you at all, but as the betrayer that is what I feel and I am doing. I do not want any pressure from my H to be normal. Not only do I not want the pressure, I cannot take it. I begin to feel like I am caged and all I want to do is fly. fly far way never to return. <P>Good Luck,<BR>Mercy

Thanks Mercy,<P>I am not sure they are still seeing each other but I "caught" this very early on and think OM has backed off for fear of his wife finding out and destroying their marriage. My wife has "complained" that she can even say hi when they pick up their kids at school, he "runs" away. I also think she realizes what she did was wrong. Of course, I could be dead wrong on all of this, but I have decided not to dwell on this element. We have much deeper problems.<BR>As for moving out, she feels that this is her house, her friends and her neighbors. She has done all the work to develop our home and everything around it. I, on the other hand, don't want out of our marriage so why should I get out? I began looking at apt for rent and calling around and realized that I can't go through with this. I feel that if I leave, I won't be able to come back. By me refusing to leave, she says I force her to remain "caged" and allow the resentment to grow. She said she's not ready for divorce but not yet ready to work things out. I'm sure her "withdrawl" is helping to cloud her mind.<BR>After the big meltdown yesterday about not moving out, I just left the house for a few hours. When I can back she apologized for some of the things she said and said she still cared about me. We had a nice talk and then I left again for the evening so she could be alone with the kids for a few hours. I have arranged to start seeing a counselor on my own (she won't go). Hopefully we can get through this stage without growing to hate each other.

NICKM,<P>Wow! It sounds like she is in withdrawl. Withdrawal from the OM is like and alcololic(Have you read on withdrawal?) Don't move out! Just give her space. Perhaps try some of the things I said in my last post.<P>Good Idea on the counseling. Maybe as you go you can talk to her aobut some of the things you are learning and it may draw her out eventually. <P>I see that you love her, stick to your guns. She sounds like she loves you, but it will take time to fix.<P>Good luck and God Bless.<BR>Mercy

I have read the material on withdrawl and have even told her that I sympathize with what she is going through. We are both experiencing a deep sense of loss. She told me this morning that she will start looking for a apt on Monday while the kids are in school. I am deeply saddened it has come to this but I will persevere.