My husband and I used to have a fantastic sex life.... I can't even remember the last time we were intimate. It seems like ever since he told the OW it was over (nearly 5 months ago), he has trouble being intimate with me (and he NEVER had trouble before). It really hurts, because right away I think he's thinking about her and "them" whenever we're making love and there's "a problem." I've tried being loving and supportive, etc., and I've tried discussing it with him. His response is "I didn't know there WAS a problem." This topic is embarassing to say the least, but it's something that is eating away at my heart...and God knows it's been damaged enough! PLEASE...if you've been a betraying H I'd appreciate finding out what goes on in a H's head during these times. Have any of you other betrayed W's experienced this? <P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Wow....not sure how to address this one.<P>The mind is a funny thing...and images and thoughts are hard to "control". <P>It has been said that you "Can't keep a bird from flying overhead, but you can keep him from building a nest there"<P>...meaning...even when you and your husband are "together", thoughts can certainly "enter in", just as I imagine those "horrible images" must attack you as well.<P>I can't imagine purposely "thinking" of the OW when my wife for several reasons. One, I would be terrified to utter her name.<P>Second...I know that focusing on my wife is an important part of the healing. <P>In answer to your questions...yea...he probably "has thoughts", and may even feel guilty about it, which would be the reason for his lack of intimacy...maybe a "self-imposed punishment".<P>Don't press him on his thought life...you probably don't want to know. And don't take that personally.<P>Any help to your question?

Thanks, NoMas. Yes, you were some help. I guess what I really don't understand, though, is: if he is having problems out of guilt, why can't he share that with me? Would it be guilt over doing what he did to me OR guilt over breaking it off with her? I'm just so confused about HIS feelings right now, and he's not talking about them. So I keep trying to "figure him out," and it's not working.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

My H had tremendous guilt over what he thought he had done to ow. He felt this terrible guilt about so many things that he was almost unable to think through anything.<BR>Strangely, at first, he felt more commited to her than to me. He had unwittingly made such a deep commitment to her that he had come to feel guilty over his time with me.<P>As he began to renew interest in our marriage he felt that he was betraying her terribly because of the plans they had made for a future together. All that has changed with time because he now sees things without the fog of the addiction. He now sees that she was more manipulative than either of them realized. In recovery he cannot believe the thoughts and feelings that he was so sure of during the time of confusion.<P>I don't know your story, but it may be that your H is confused and feeling guilty at having betrayed his relationship with you and about having let her down. It may be someithing totally different from wanting her or mourning her loss. <P>If he was attracted and enjoyed being intimate with you while the affair was going on, it's probably not that he is comparing you or having thoughts of her so much as that he feels too guilty to let himself enjoy sexual relations right now.<P>Our marriage counsellor really helped my H with this time of confusion. She was able to get him to open his mind to things that he just would not hear from me. Unlike some others here, however, I continually encouraged him to talk to me about his feelings and about the person ow is (I knew her before he did.). My H is the kind of person who would just ignore or deny his feelings until they would suddenly jumped up and bite us. The counsellor and I finally got him to sort fact from fantasy and get his priorities in order. <P>Take it slowly with your H, and a little time will soon allow the two of you to get through this.

Thanks, Wesse. What you said about him possibly feeling like he's "let her down" might be what's happening. I just don't know. And as far as being attracted to me or being intimate with me while he was involved with the OW...he was intimate with me once from April through November. No matter what I did or said...he completely shut me out. His indifference to me during all that time still crops up in my mind sometimes, and I feel the intense pain all over again. Like the morning I was severely bitten in the arm by one of our pets and nearly passed out from the pain, blood, etc.. I called for him to help me because I felt faint and his response was "Well if you're going to faint, do it in on the bed rather than in the kitchen!" Then less than an hour later he was on the way to pick "her" up to spend the weekend in New Hampshire. I'm sorry for rambling again...sometimes the painful memories just are too much to hold in. I reminded him of this last scenario just yesterday, and you know what? He can't remember treating me that way. I think perhaps because he was in such a hurry so he wouldn't keep OW waiting by the side of the road too long. (She's married and has 3 young children, so she gave her H the excuse that she was attending a "seminar" in New Hampshire.) But now I'm feeling pain because I don't understand why he still seems to keep a certain distance between us. Am I being too impatient, or am I just being overly sensitive?

Hi!<P>I am not a H but a betrayer. I ABSOLUTELY cannot have sexual relations with my H. Very emotionally impossible. Yes, all kinds of thoughts would run in my head(before I told him I cannot make love with him because when we tried, I cheated on him time and time again in my head). The fact for me was, the sex I got out of my marriage, was great. My sex in the marriage was empty and void of all feeling long before i cheated. I felt guilty because I could not respond in a way that is very necessary for a woman to respond. I frankly do not feel like having sex. I have to admit that I have a thing for OM and the sex we had. <P>This may have been very blunt but this is how i feel. He may feel similar.<P>Hope this insight helps<BR>Good Luck,<BR>Mercy

Your feelings are perfectly natural under the circumstances. You have been badly hurt, and it will take a lot of loving and caring from your H to help you get better. <P>I hope he is staying completely away and out of touch with ow. If he is, then his attraction to you and your comfort level with him should steadily improve. <P>I guess we will probably always be puzzled about how someone who once cherished us could have been so callous during an extra marital relationship. I hope things will get better for you.

WoundedHeart,<P>Building (rebuilding) skills like making love after an affair have to be very difficult.<P>In a full blown recovery... you need ideas...<BR>How about... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440207533" TARGET=_blank><B>Light His Fire </B>: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love</A> by Ellen Kreidman?<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Mercy & Wesse. I'm trying to be patient, but my mind is doing numbers on me. Too bad one can't just "erase" bad memories and start with a new slate. I know men think differently than women, and I've been trying to take this into account for part of his behavior during our recovery. No matter what I do, though, I still have a deep sense of insecurity about his changed attitude concerning intimacy with me. I don't understand how he could love me as much as he says he does (and adamantly denies loving her during or after the affair), and still has so little (if any) interest in being intimate with me. I guess I'll try to be patient a while longer, and try not to mention the subject.<P>Wesse, as for him having no contact with OW--he works in the same building with her. They undoubtedly see each other during meetings, etc.. The other thing in the back of my mind that scares the heck out of me is that they both have summers off. My H spent the entire Summer seeing her last year, he spent "time" with me on two different days. I was so depressed and miserable! To be honest with you, it was so bad that I actually didn't care if I lived or died. I am very apprehensive about this Summer, but I am going to try to put last year in the past and look forward to our future. (Hope I have the strength to follow that through.) Another thing that I'm not sure I mentioned before, and certainly adds to my insecure feelings, is that the OW is 16 years my junior. I know I am an attractive woman, but obviously youth has its advantages.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Thanks, Jim. I'll look for that book this weekend. At least I can feel like I'm not just waiting around doing nothing while "nothing is wrong" in his mind. Maybe I can learn some things that will open his mind...I hope.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....