I first want to thank all who have responded very much! Especially, - 2sad4words Getting Better, Victoria in Texas and Reina, wherever you are.<P>Well today I called my wife and she seemed very cold. Yesterday I started getting upset with my wife and said "I don't think we need to have any contact for awhile" I found out none of the bills had been paid (eg), mortgage, credit cards, everything. While she insisted on taking care of the bills even though I wanted to. And I am also dealing with trying to get our house we live in now packed up and ready to move in 7 days into our new house while also getting it ready to rent out. While also dealing with all the responsabilities of purchansing and moving into the new home. No excuse for telling her that though, it is not what I wanted to say.<P>She just talked to me today on the phone with no feelings at all, we just had small talk and I asked if she was comming over Sat. to help pack and she said " you said you didn't want me to come over anymore." I told her "I was sorry that I just got upset and I did not really mean it." And she said "I know, I'm not asking for an apology or anything from you." I let it go, but she is now not comming over until who knows when. She said she would call me Sat. but I doubt it. She has been staying more with the OM since Mon. and Tues when she stayed all night at home and we ended up making love. She told me Wed. that she came back Mon with the intentions of trying to see how she felt and that wile she loved me it just wasn't the same and she didn't know if she could go on. Since she left home on Feb. 17 she has stayed with the OM 22 days out of 36. She slowed down for a couple weeks but she has been with him since Wed. the day after she stayed here and I am sure she will be there the weekend.<P>I try to not focus on the OM, that is not what I am trying to focus on. It is most important to get my wife back and do what I can to do that.<P>Is my wife pulling away more again. I remember in the begining she acted as if she hated being around me and would tell me it's over, I can't do this anymore. I am tired of living 3 lives. And I don't want to string you along giving you a false sense of hope. Also she said a lot that she loved me but it was just not the same anymore. Can some explain that to me? Is she saying she is not "in love" with me anymore? I asked her if she loved the OM and she said " no of course not, you can't love somebody that quick " but she did say she has feelings for him. And does not want to quit seeing him right now.<P>Is there still hope? I felt as if we made so much progress over the last couple of weeks even though she was still seeing the OM. Now I feel as if she is again pulling away very hard. What gives?<P>This comming Friday we close on our new home and I was thinking about trying to romance her a little by showing up to pick her up at work to do the home inspection and closing in a Limo and have some champaigne chilled with a rose and a card on her seat in the Limo. I thought after the closing which should be over about 6:00 pm we could go to a nice dinner and dancing or drinks. Do you think that woold be something she would like in her state of mind?? <P>Should I let my wife continue to loose contact with me and how can I avoid it? You know what they say "out of sight, out of mind." <P>Any suggestions or advice on anything is greatly appreciated. I hope that I can someday (hopefully with my wife), be able to help and give my experiences and points of view like many of you have. <P>Thanks in advance for the support and help, it means so so much.<P>I am going to try and go out to dinner with some friends to try and consume myself other ways for awhile, but I will defintely be looking forward when I get home tonight to read your responses!!<BR>

Until no contact with the OM is made() she will not be able to make a decision. <P>The problem with seperation is it definelty gives the betrayer time to play.<P><BR>I would say, let her stay away. You stay away too. Have enough respect for yourself to not allow her to use you. Everything she has told you is probably true. The love, the coldness, the false hope stuff. She is absolutely unable to give anymore of herself. Let her be for now. Stand your ground. do what you have to do to get your houses ready. and be prepared to possibly move on. Like I said earlier, if she doesn't stay away from OM and get him out of her life, she doesn't have the room for you or to make good decisions.<P>does this help any? Let me clue you in to something, I thought for a minute that my husband had posted this, I feel exaclty like your W. If you have any thing else I can help you with, post.<P>Mercy

caj1, I agree with mercy. Until your wife stops contact, it's going to be hard to get through to her. The waffling that she's doing right now is going to continue until she gets to the point of wanting to work on the marriage and sever contact completely with the OM. <P>You want to be able to show her that you love her, romance her, etc. My husband did the same with me and it didn't make a dent in my feelings for him when I was involved in the affair . You want to do something special for her like the limo with champagne.. and any woman would love that! Unfortunately doing this right now (looking back on when I was involved in the affair) will most likely push her away. Please focus on you now, I know that she realizes your love for her but realize you're better than this type of treatment and take some time out for yourself now.<BR>

I agree. She will make no decision until OM is out of the picture. In my situation, my H is still living with OW and refuses to tell me whether or not he wants to work on the marriage. I am pretty sure it is because of his relationship with her. He says that he might want to work on our marriage one day and the next he hates me. My H still won't even admit he is having an affair. <P>I think it is all part of the craziness that goes along with infidelity. In other words they can't see the forest for the trees. Right now, work on what you must do and hopefully this affair will burn itself out. <P>As far as you question about the limo etc. I wouldn't do that just yet as it may push her farther away by making her think you are being too pushy. Does that make sense? Just continue to be nice and try not to LB. Hope you enjoyed your evening out to dinner and hang in there!

caj1,<P>Stay with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as long as you can...<P>Pushing her away will not give you self-respect...<BR>and niether will lavishing gifts/limos/etc. on her.<P>Just watch the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> (so far this doesn't seem to be a problem) and them meet those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of her you can!<P>If the affair continues... your love for her in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> will diminish to the point where you'd need to consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... it's at that time <B>you</B> make the move to ask her to have no contact with <B>you</B>. Until that point... the most effective way to meet her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... is to have her <B>not</B> be so far away.<P>Can a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> work when your Spouse is not home... yes... but it takes more patience! Make you force her to not "let go fo you"... NO! Just <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... as best you can for as long as you can.<P>Do check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts too.<P> <P>Jim

I agree with NSR. Plan A first, Plan B after good hard try at Plan A. Do keep you emotions in check. Do not expect any care, love or concern for you right now. Let that be ok. Otherwise, you will LB all the time. Read the links NSR has for you. I personally think Plan A gets a try first, before Plan B. But if you do Plan B, it must be in full. Totally as Dr. H recommends, not in-between. You need to understand fully the concepts before you implement. Good luck. Turn some of your pain over to God. Rely on faith that you are loved in his eyes, as is your wife. Gain strength from that. Victoria

Plan A is not going to work while she is still very deep into the affair. She obviously is not able to make a clear decision right now.<P>you cannot force anyone to do anything. If the "force" works, there will be a lot of resentment later.<P>I am not sure that you CAN meet her emotional needs. The OM is meeting some of her emotional needs now and that is why she is still there. But, becasue she does stay with you, you may be meeting some of her emotional needs. You will not be able to meet all the emotional needs if OM is meeting some right now. <P>I didn't say quit loving her or quit trying, all I said is, give each other some space to try and fix things. Eventually, the affair will burn out and she will then be able to start thinking things out.<P>"If you love something, set it free, if it was love, it will come back. If it doesn't it never was yours to begin with"(or something of the sort)<P>Good Luck

It not that "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is not going to work while she is still very deep into the affair..."<BR>...it is that <B>Marital Recovery</B> can't begin... "while she is still very deep into the affair...".<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is designed to be a course of action for you the FS(faithful spouse... i.e. betrayed) to develope some (not all... but some) of the martial skills you need when/if your spouse comes back.<P>They will not come back... if they see you still...<BR>1. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A><BR>2. Unaware of how to meet their <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... or at least not trying to change!<P>From the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>mercy</B>... is right... "you cannot force anyone to do anything. If the "force" works, there will be a lot of resentment later." By abandoning your spouse too early... there isn't enough time to "plant the seeds of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>" (as Steve Harley puts it) ... and you risk resentment even in the early stages of your efforts.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> doesn't mean... meet all the needs... it can't be don't even when living together... but try and meet as many as you practically can. And some degree of "space" is always needed (otherwise you'll be building a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> environment.<P>Yes... "If you love something, set it free..."... but before you do... let it know there is a safe haven for it to return to...<BR>...lest it just wonders away aimlessly when it's freedom takes it away from you!<P> <P>Jim

I think an important thing to remember here is the mindset of the betrayer. Both Mercy and I have been there, and in reading what caj's wife is doing is very similar to my own situation. <P>Giving advice to take some time out for caj will IMHO help him to take the focus off of his wife's behavior right now which is hurting him terribly I can imagine. He can still Plan A, (be nice to her and be there for her) but trying to win her love right now while she's involved seems to me like spinning his wheels. I don't think we tried to imply in any way he should be less than nice, but just to perhaps focus more on him now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>caj1,<P>Stay with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as long as you can...<P>Pushing her away will not give you self-respect...<BR>and niether will lavishing gifts/limos/etc. on her.<P>Just watch the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> (so far this doesn't seem to be a problem) and them meet those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of her you can!<P>If the affair continues... your love for her in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> will diminish to the point where you'd need to consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... it's at that time you</B> make the move to ask her to have no contact with <B>you</B>. Until that point... the most effective way to meet her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... is to have her <B>not</B> be so far away.<P>Can a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> work when your Spouse is not home... yes... but it takes more patience! Make you force her to not "let go fo you"... NO! Just <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... as best you can for as long as you can.<P>Do check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts too.<P> <P>Jim<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>NSR... Thank you, I will look at your Plan A 101. I guess I do not understand completely Plan A when I cannot even get her to see me. More studying on my part I guess.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mercy:<BR><B>Until no contact with the OM is made() she will not be able to make a decision. <P>The problem with seperation is it definelty gives the betrayer time to play.<P><BR>I would say, let her stay away. You stay away too. Have enough respect for yourself to not allow her to use you. Everything she has told you is probably true. The love, the coldness, the false hope stuff. She is absolutely unable to give anymore of herself. Let her be for now. Stand your ground. do what you have to do to get your houses ready. and be prepared to possibly move on. Like I said earlier, if she doesn't stay away from OM and get him out of her life, she doesn't have the room for you or to make good decisions.<P>does this help any? Let me clue you in to something, I thought for a minute that my husband had posted this, I feel exaclty like your W. If you have any thing else I can help you with, post.<P>Mercy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mercy... Thank you, I hope you will read my newer posts as they come up.

I am and will continue to.<P>I emailed the nsr to my H. I think we definetly need a time frame in which to work. <P>thanks,<BR>Mercy