As many of you know, I'm having a lot of trouble moving on lately since my H affair.<P>I did a better job when I first found out about it 18 months ago than I am now. There have been ups and downs throughout as well.<P>Early on I concentrated on making deposits into my Love Bank that he has for me. I worked so hard at it. I guess I earned a few, but I'm not sure. He is still with me so I guess that is a sign of success. I didn't worry much about him making deposit with me because I truly didn't think I was worthy of any love from anyone. My self-esteem was at about the "BANANA SLUG" level and after I found out about the affair it even got worse. Being loved was no longer an issue, I had given up on it a long time ago, but I was determined to be the wife I needed to be, because that had been my life's ambition.<P>Now as I have gained some self-esteem (unfortunately this came from outside sources, not from him) I am concerned about the love unit level I have for my H. His account is still so low. It will go up for a while, then he will say something hurtful or inconsiderate and then it seems to completely deplete it again. The withdrawals are so much bigger than the same action would have caused before his affair.<P>Then there are the automatic withdrawals that he in a way caused, but isn't actually participating in. Those withdrawals I call associations. A truck that looks like hers, etc. I know those are to a certain extent caused by me. I guess I'm embezzling in a way. These autowithdrawals wouldn't be so devestating if his account didn't stay so low. He is still making a lot of personal withdrawals, and he isn't making many deposits either.<P>There are just so many things that I feel I need and I am having to turn to other sources in order to get them, like work and this forum and alcohol (okay, don't preach at me).<P>Just Learning, I know you will probably have some enlightenment for me if you even care to look at any of my whiney posts anymore.<P>I have concentrated on gaining his love and have been deep into Plan A since just days after I found out, but now after over 18 months there is still so much I need and am not getting. It is making it a lot harder to make deposits of my own, and his love deposits are beginning to become less important to me.<P>I understand this is very dangerous and I am setting myself up for trouble.<P>My MIL told me a little story about her life with FIL that has haunted me and sounds a lot like my own. This is after she had a complete breakdown and had to seek psychiatric help.<P>She told me that her self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence (in general her mental health) was like a nail and her physical health was a piece of wood.<P>Verbal Abuse from her H (My FIL) was a hammer that slowly beat against the nail until the nail didn't even hardly show anymore.<P>The hammering continued on and on until the wood started to dent, then to splinter and finally it was so scarred up that it wasn't any good to anyone anymore. Her physical health was then affected. She was very ill for a long time.<P>This is how she described her life with her H. I realized at that point that was what was happening to me. I hadn't reached the point of physical damage at the time, but it still terrified me, because my H is a lot like his father.<P>Since divorce was not an option for me, I had to prepare myself to be slowly destroyed. That was all I knew to do at the time. I was in subjection (or atleast I tried).<P>My H was hammering due to lack of self-confidence on his part and due to unmet needs (I know that now), but it is very hard to try to help the hammer that is beating you to death. He hammers me now due to guilt and frustration (and he probably still has unmet needs), but it still hurts and it still causes damage.<P>

Essyboo,<P>Sorry you are so down right now. All of this is so much to deal with....makes you feel like you want to go on permanet vacation, right????<P>Seriously, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to work on YOU. Your own self-esteem needs to be built to a much higher level, so your H can't hammer the nail in very easily. <P>I know how hard it is about the automatic withdrawals. by the way, this is a GREAT analogy! Pretty insightful on your part! Anyway, things remind me of the OW - for one thing, her name is Chris and we have a son named Chris and son-in-law is Chris, too. I canbarely stomach saying their names now and I'll ALWAYS have a reminder of her - YUCK! I guess that's something we need to learn to accept, can't change it, don't dwell on it and move on from it.<P>Hard, hard to do - just keep trying to not let things "get" to you. Work on building Essyboo right now. You are a bright lady and need some nurturing. No matter if H won't give it to you - GIVE IT TO YOURSELF!!!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I made another post earlier about the Grass is Always Greener... and so many people said I needed to concentrate on him. Give him love, satisfy his needs. Where does all this energy come from?<P>His other woman's name is almost exactly like his sister's name except for the first letter. Thanksgiving was interesting. I just knew he would slip and call his sister by her name. He didn't. It may never have even occurred to him that this might happen, but if it had all H**L would have broken lose, by me of course, and then our little secret probably would have been completely out in the open. I can't even remember if he even said his sister's name during the visit. He doesn't get along with his sibblings very well. He is not very close to his family.

I'm off to our counselling. It may be very ineresting. The first and only other time we have been, I was in a real good mood. (I wonder if I'm manic), anyway today I am not in a very good mood, atleast when it comes to my marriage situation. <P>Hopefully he will talk today. Hopefully I will keep my mouth shut.<P>

Essyboo,<P>I wonder if your MIL would talk to your H about her feelings? You know most men do immulate their fathers either consciencely or<BR>not. It might open his eyes to the effect his behavior is having on you. Just an idea.<P>Please understand people are encouraging you give him love and so forth, because that is the best way to get your needs met. People find the strength to get to the Oasis because they are thirsty not because the have a full canteen. <P>It is seems in your posts you are still looking for ways to nail him. The issues of the sisters name and so forth. You sound really down and depressed can you obtain med's to at least handle that part of the problem<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Easyboo, I agree with Roll Me Away concentrate on your self. You have got to start caring for yourself. Please as I have said before see a councselor on your own don't see the same one you are seeing with him and don't take him with you. You need to build yourself up and get strong, mentally emotionally and physically. <BR>Prayers and {{HUGS}}<BR>Hope you didn't have too many problems at the joint session<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Easyboo, have you read Harley's books "Recovering from an Affair" and "Give and Take"? The biggest point that stuck with me from the 2nd book is that unconditional love does NOT apply to a marriage. It cannot be sustained over the long haul. Learning about my h's betrayal was a wake-up call for me. While we are in counseling and pursuing the plans to meet each other's needs, the recovery is totally conditional in my mind. I have not set a date by which my love bank should be full, but it is up there in my mind. Yes, I'm working hard on my plan to meet his needs, but I'm also checking and Jennifer Harley (our conselor) is helping to hold him accountable.<P>I don't know if this helps, but I think each spouse must understand there is an expectation now that consistent progress will be made in meeting each other's needs. I'm not sure if you started this way, but it isn't too late to raise the standard. I too have suffered from a self image problem, but I have decided for myself that I deserve to be treated right. If he won't, I no longer feel bound to this marriage as I once did. Actually, his cheating set me free, since adultery is the only Biblical justification for divorce.

Essyboo,<P>I agree with schizzo - you can't give forever and get nothing or get just withdrawals back. That is where the PlanB comes in. If you can't PlanB, you can at least do a modified PlanB. Just be really nice when interacting, but quit knocking yourself out to try to give, give, give and give some more and get nothing back. <P>I think initially we do that in hopes of jarring the wayward S back - like "See, S, I can really be a nice persona dn I do love and appreciate you." Well, that obviously works for some people. Doesn't work for my H nor sounds like for yours. i had to go to PlanB as best as I can, because i have lost a lot of love and respect for my H and it was keeping me from growing and moving forward. Try your best, but you definitely need to do something DIFFERNT at this point!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I've tried to put into words what I need him to do in order to make deposits again. I can't. My fear is that He is already doing things to make deposits and they don't matter enough to me anymore to actually raise the balance.<P>Can you lock an account you have for someone? Is it possible for someone to treat you nice and you not care enough to add any points? I fear that all love and trace of love is if not lost then so barricaded by my that even I can't access it anymore.<P>Maybe service charges are eating away at the balance. I feel I am having to charge him for services rendered. (Just to stay with the anaology)

Essyboo,<P>I think that both fear and anger are what's blocking the deposits and racking up the service charges. If he is really being so nice, can't you focus on that and unharden your heart just a little at a time???? It is hard to let it all go,isn't it...but you will be happier if you can....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

My heart is scarred, not hardened. That is atleast the way I prefer to look at it.<P>I totally trusted this man. I was extremely naive, but still I trusted him. <P>I almost killed myself after I found out about his affair. I literally drew blood on my wrists. I still fight depression and thoughts of suicide. (don't preach to me about antidepressants, I getting started on them, I promise)<P>My heart is terrified of the damage he could do to me if this were to happen again. <P>I know that we are a lot wiser, but I've always been a quick learner and a slow forgetter, atleastin most things in my life. I learned quick how badly he can hurt me, and I am slow to forget the pain.<P>I want to be able to give my heart totally and completely to someone. I want to be able to trust my H the way I used to. I want to be able to respect him and think that he is the next best think to God himself. I liked that. It was important to me. It may have been foolish and stupid, but I liked it. <P>I want that back. It was very comforting in a life that had so much turmoil.<P>I realize that I probably could never have that with anyone, but before I found out about the affair atleast I thought I had it.<P>I keep hearing that I need to take care of myself. Please understand that I was perfectly content having him take me. This is a big transition for me. I was willing to dedicate me life to him and have him as my entire life. That my not have been smart, but if I had felt loved I would have been the happiest woman on earth.

Boy Essyboo, you hit me deep down with your post. I have the same feelings. It amazed me how close your post was to my thoughts. So I have no advice but I am here if you need to talk.<BR>Stacy T.<BR> mrstrucker@geocities.com <BR><P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <BR>

Our relationship was such a paradox.<P>He was strong, He told me constantly in different ways that I was weak, this hurt and I resented him for this deeply, but I wanted him to make me strong. He couldn't make me strong but failed to realize he could give me the room and support that I needed to make myself strong, but didn't. I didn't ask for the room or support, I just waited for him to make me strong and resented him even more when he didn't.<P>I let him make the decisions because I didn't want to be responsible for the results, yet I felt responsible anyway and resented him when he didn't make the decisions I wanted him to make or the decisions I would have made.<P>Through it all I truly felt that if I had been more worthy of love and admiration, he would have given it to me.