We are just a couple of weeks away from being able to move into our brand new home. I can actually move in right now, but my husband who has left and is still seeing the OW told me to wait for him. He is using this house as some sort of reconciling tool. We have been living with my parents while the building process has taken place and actually a month from today I found out about his affair About a week later he moved out stating he is needs his space. I have asked him to move back, but he says he is too embarrased with my parents, but yet when he sees them he still refers to them as mom and dad?? Go figure?? So now as I read the plan A and Plan B information I feel I am in Plan B, the state of staying away. I want to know if I should move into the new house without him? He stated to me the other day that he wants to wrap our house in a big bow, him and I cut the bow, and thenhe wants to carry me over the threshold. Sounds romantic and wonderful, but then the next day I find a set of keys to an apartment complex. I go to this apartment complex and find to what I know is 99.9% her vehicle there. He denies it, but deep in my heart I know they are her keys. He has placed so much emphasis on this house being done and making a fresh start, but I feel it is just him buying time to still be with her. We could move in right now and start working on this issue, but the other day he said he wants to wait until it is completely done.....buying time you think??? Please, can anyone give me some advice on what to do?<BR>Thanks ever so much.

EMS WIFE,<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... are not states you find yourself in...<P>They are conscious decisions on how you want to rebuild your marriage!<P>If you still have a lot of love for your H in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for him... if you can tolerate certain aspects of him continuing/slowly terminating/escalating/whatever the affair... <B>you DO</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>If your love for your H has dwindled... and the balance in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for him is low... an dyou can't help <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>... then (as a last resort) go and <B>DO</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<P>Check out a few of my posts I made a while back on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>Your situation sounds like you should still be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...but that doesn't mean you can't be honest with him about your feelings... just don't <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A>.<P>You have to ask yourself...<BR>...how long can you go on with you H... having his cake and eating too...<P>The Harley's recommend approximately 6 months for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> and 18 months for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... Time frames do vary.<P>Can you do a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> while your H isn't living with you... you bet! See SDS's posts... but it is hard too!<P>Keep posting...<P>About the house... Is he buying time?!...<BR>...if the affair is <B>on</B>... probably. <BR>Does it really make a difference to you abut moving in... if so... be honest with him about it.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<BR>

Jim<BR>Thanks for pointing out the reading material. I should have read more carefully before posting my other question. I guess I am still in the venting stage. I am sitting her now pondering what to really do next. He should be at his parents house, but could be with her. One, I am afraid to call and find out that he isn't at his parents house. Two, I am afraid that if I do get ahold of him I am afraid of what he might say to me not calling him back last night. Like they all say, I feel like I am on pins and needles. I honestly don't feel I can keep the question of his dishonesty about seeing her to myself. I don't feel strong enough to do that. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. I feel that maybe if I am honest with him in a non threatning and civil manner we maybe able to discuss it. I guess I am really just looking for him to admit that this is a problem. I just don't know.

EMS WIFE,<P>Everything you do depends on the state of your marriage right now...<P>In general... approaching your H in a confrontational manner is usually a bad idea...<P>Approaching him... and letting him know...that <B>you feel upset</B>...<P>...using phrases like "I feel upset about.."<BR>..."I feel fearful for our marriage..."<BR>..."I feel we can work on our marriage a bit more..."<BR>..."I feel there are places (like MB) that can help... me... and you... to make a better marriage..."<BR>...not "You did x y and z..."<BR>...not "How could you do..."<P>Phrases that are really confrontational...<BR>...are going to be <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<P>"I feel..." phrases are less adversarial...<BR>...and may evoke some more positive responses from your H... maybe...<BR>They ("I feel..." phrases) can still be attacked... and it may happen...<BR>...do set low expectations<BR>...but be confident in your attempts!<P>Try not to beg... plead...<BR>If you can avoid crying... do so...<BR>Show that you are strong... and have become stronger... with a firm yet loving demeanor.<P>Obviously you feel upset about his lack of candor with you... regarding the relationship he has with the OW...<BR>and his commitment to <B>acknoledge</B> your feelings about this...<BR>...and...<BR>to what extent you feel you can be the one to fill his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> with what the OW has now filled them.<P>Wording is important...<BR>Don't spend hours thinking about it...<BR>...but do watch out for quick tempered <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>. It happens all too easily.<P>I hope this helps...<P> <P>Jim

Jim, <BR>I do feel that I am stronger when talking to him until I end up telling him what i amhaving a probem with. For example, I tell him every time that he talks to her that it hurts me. His response: "you need to get over this and move on. You need to be bigger than this" What does all that mean? I think it is the fact that he can't handle what has happened and wants to just move on, but like they say have his cake too. He hasn't made any kind of sacrafice or change for us. I also haven't talked to him all day and am pretty desperate to know what he is thinking and where he has been. I know asking him where he has been is not a question I should ask. I just don't know.

What's you H's take on counseling?...<P>If he doesn't want it...<BR>...you should start on your own... to show you're serious!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>The cost is so much less than a divorce...<BR>I'm being force through one now... spent over $12,000 and we aren't anywhere near a trial date... (although custody is a big issue).<P>Praying for you tonight!<P> <P>Jim