I am struggling with if I should confront my husband in regards to the keyes I found? My husband denies that they are the OW, but last night a friend and I drove to the place these apt. keys were from and found what I feel is 99.9% positive that it is her vehicle. I can easily have the plates traced so I can know 100%, but the real question here is what approach do I take with this? I know I can't blow up, but I already know he will deny it because he really is still denying he is in the affair. He is still living in his second world. We had a good night on Thursday besides me finding the keys. Of course he told me it was a spare set to a guy he works with whom he states he stayed with before. My best response is to try and believe him so I did, but still honestly telling him that I am uneasy with finding the keys. Of course Friday, I wake up and immediately think of the keyes. He also called me last night while at work and wondered where I was and sounded a bit frustrated that I wasn't home. I didn't call him back and am wondering how he is responding to that. I have never, not called him back. I feel a big part of him not being able to be hones with me is because we have not yet gone to any counseling. He agrees to meet with our priest, but again in previous posts I stated our priest is on a leave for a month and our appt. with him isn't until the 5th of April. He agrees only to meet with our priest too. He feels counselors are just out to get money, and feels our priest is really there to help up fix our marriage. I am just lost in all of this and frustrated with the fact that this is such a long process of dealing. I actually think it's bullcrap! I feel I'm getting the crappy deal all the way around. I have to be strong, I have to let him go, Ihave to back away, I have to accept what he has done, I have to wait for him to get his head on straight. I have to be patient and I know that it's just so damn hard. I feel I need him to at least be honest with me about being with her. Is that fair?? Please, what to do in your opinions and experiences. Thanks to those who respond and read this for me.

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through all this...like the rest of us have (or are). I asked my H for months if he was having an affair or seeing someone else, etc. and always got a denial. I knew in my heart that he wasn't being honest, and I think you know in your heart what the truth is with your husband. I take it that he's not living home? Where is he staying? If he's NOT having an affair, surely he won't mind showing you where he is currently living, right? In order to make any relationship work, there HAS to be honesty. Good luck. By the way, just because your H doesn't want to see a counselor other than your priest doesn't mean YOU can't. It's the BEST thing I ever did for myself...especially my sanity during this whole sordid mess. Find a good one and go...for YOU.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Er...uh...okay, I'll be the dreaded instigator...so shoot me....<P>If it were me, I'd verify the address of the OW, and do my homework to find out when OW isn't home, then test those keys in that lock. Heck, go when she's home. Be creative in a discussion with her about those keys. You found them and thought they may be hers...or H told you they are, and you're returning them...they're not hers? Then would she mind if you see for yourself by testing the lock? You're SURE she understands....<P>Suggested technique not for the faint of heart. A lovebuster? Yep, big time. But I personally could not stand distrusting my H's words.<P>I'm a tad aggressive when my territorial instinct has been threatened, can ya tell? <P>My H's mom wanted me to see a greeting card she's e-mailed him a few months ago. When I signed on under his screen name, an instant message popped up from a little known female profile. (This was in the days of our overzealous online monitoring of each other, and had only vaguely noticed her name a couple of times before.) She chatted, thinking it was my H, more familiarly than my comfort level could handle, and even suggested meeting. Hmm. Well, I met her instead and gave her a piece of my mind while appearing in total control of myself. Have to admit I was shaking by the time I returned to my car! Overreaction? Probably. But no more wondering. I told my H and was pleased that his first reaction was fear for my safety in going out to meet an unknown person in anger and I detected no regard for her feelings. She's not been heard from since.<P>If you do follow my little suggestion, be careful. And use this undercover work in good ways to REPAIR the problems between you, not worsen them. Now everybody talk her out of what I just said. I'd feel terrible if something bad happened.

well, I guess I didn't mention the fact my husband and I had a confrontion about the keys and they were given back to him. I had stated they were a friends keys whom he works with who has allowed him to stay there when my H has trouble. This friend is a male, but I know in myheart that the keys were not from this friend, but the OW. He has not called me all day today and I have paged and left a message on his nexel. He should actually be at work right about now and it pisses me off. How can everybody be so strong and understanding of their straying spouse?? I sometimes feel that the hurt I have in my heart is so overbearing that it is taking away the love for my husband. Oh, what to do?

EMS Wife--<P>Are you going to have those car plates traced? Yes, a woman's intuition is very strong, usually right, but there IS that degree of "oops!" What if your H is telling you the truth?<P>I think the betrayed, after assessing the situation, gets to the point of fighting FOR their relationship (if they don't decide to leave themselves). They decide their marriage is worth fighting for. <P>That's where the inner-strength comes in. Dr. Harley's principles are an excellent guide to repairing a relationship in the right way. Understanding of the situation is the key, and takes the other's viewpoint into consideration.<P>When you reach a basic understanding of infidelity, you realize that, right or wrong, the wayward spouse is not happy. He/she is attempting to get emotional needs met by going outside the home since they feel it's not going to happen AT home. <P>So what defense do you have in order to keep your marriage, and better it? By meeting your spouse's emotional needs. Many consider an affair a "wake up call" and choose to deal with it accordingly. <P>The betrayer is in "taker" mode. They're not interested in "giving" then, so don't expect common courtesies and help with your own problems...not then. That's only a possibility when that "taker" has received some satisfaction and settled back down. That's why it seems so unfair...the betrayed is running circles around the betrayer who determinedly ignores them...until they actually recognize that olive branch offered, again and again, and AGAIN until they feel safe that their needs WILL be addressed.<P>If you're going to fight for your marriage, you'll need to show your H his needs will be met, by you, and at the same time, the right way to behave in a relationship. That will take you being your personal best. Do not sink to his levels; remain in control of yourself (as much as possible, yes, we all goof sometimes). Take his feelings into account, even when he's absolutely NOT giving you the same consideration in return. It's hard. But it's what you have to do. <P>As to YOUR needs during this time...Keep reading and posting here. Use this forum as your vent place/cry place/sharing of success place. Do at least one nice thing for yourself daily, just for you. A bubble bath, an inexpensive trinket, indulging in a favorite movie or book, a walk in the park. Whatever makes you happy. And take care of yourself. It's not going to help ANYone if you don't sleep well or eat right, etc. While you're working on the strategies of fulfilling his needs, there's a part of you that's also invisibly withdrawing in protection mode. And that's okay...this will relax somewhat when your H begins to meet YOUR needs again. But you may learn you LIKE that occasional self-indulgence. It's worth it.<P>I've babbled enough. Hope any of this has been helpful. One last thought: there's an excellent book you may want to consider, called "We Can Work It Out--How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other," by Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman. Its advices run parallel with Dr. Harley's information but offers an indepth look at communication techniques. I like this book so much I may post a separate outline of it sometime. <P>Let us know how you're doing.

oh yes, i am having the plates traced. I am not going to make a mistake in assuming anymore. I think I have found a loop in the system with my husband. Ihave found that when I ignore him or don't call him back he gets mad at me and stays away. I think i am seeing the light and the direction I have to go. I must move slow, but I think I know the way. PATIENCE! BUT IT KILLS!!<P>I still don't know what i will do with the information on the plates if it is trully the OW vehicle. There is only a week in a half until we meet with our priest and it will take everything I have to wait and discuss it there. I was telling a friend tonight that I feel like I have a husband who is living in a fantasy world and can't get out??? Am I right????? Sorry thing is that he is really not helping this OW like he says he is, he is really hurting her too. Maybe our priest can help my husband understand this vicious triangle he has put all of us in. Thanks for responding...you guys all keep me going when things get ugly and confusing. This has been one of the best self-help things I could have found.

He said he's helping the OW? <shaking head, sigh> Yes, he's in a fantasy world. Pull him back into the reality of your marriage, but one that is bright and pleasant for him (and eventually for you too!).<P>We're here. Think of us as your little rooting section along the way. It's sure helped me a bunch!