Thanks for your insight. I read your posts and always agree with what you have to say.<P>I do not feel guilty. I don't feel much. I feel a lot of anger and feel very caged.<P>since all of this, i have talked to one person, an elder of our church. She said that it had been revealed to her that i had been spiritually, emotionally, and sexually abused. All three took place in childhood and the later two also took place in my marriage.<P>I told my husband the reason of my affair was because, I only give what I want to give he never takes what isn't freely given. Nothing. I take what i need from OM and I give what I want to OM. I cannot trust my H because of our past. No he is not like that now he is born-again. The sex issue is still an issue. I feel raped in all area's of my life. It amazes me that I would go out and have sex with someone else(also emotional) and actually enjoy it.<P>So you see, i have a lot to contend with. That is why i think plan A cannot work. I cannot open up and love anyone. I cannot even consider counseling because of the finances.<P>Depressed? Beyond depressed. what do I do now.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>Mercy

Mercy,<P>I have read several of your posts with great interest. I don't have any advice for you, although I wish I did. You are obviously looking for help, but don't know if you should accept it.<P>Just one question. What do you want to do? If you could set the world right, what is it you would want of the people around you? How would you change yourself? How would you change your H?<P>Maybe if you can get a handle on those things you will begin to see the path you must take. Maybe you will begin to feel again.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

Hello again Mercy,<P>You certainly have a lot to deal with in your life. I can't tell you that I know how you feel, only someone who has suffered through the kind of abuse that you have can truly understand.<P>I can see how it would be difficult to trust and love. I assume that the affair you had was not about love but mututal needs.<P>I do know that you deserve to be happy. Maybe you will not be able to find that happiness in your marriage even though your husband has changed.<P>You mentioned that counseling is not an option because of finances. Please do a little investigation to try to locate some free services. I live in North Carolina, and counseling is available through a division of the Health Department located in each county, free of charge.<P>After my husband confessed his affair, he went to the pastor of a local church even though we don't attend that church. He was very helpful and really put my husband on the right path and made him feel so much better.<P>Also, don't overlook the help that is available on this forum. There are people here who are much wiser than I am. If you let us know the general area you live in, there will probably be someone here who could suggest some counseling help located near you.<P>You have a lot to deal with. Very few people could make it through this without some help.<P>I'll be watching for your posts and wishing you all the best.<P>Peppermint

Hello all!<P>I live in a very small town in Colorado. I am about 100 miles from Denver and 75 from colorado springs.<P> I did go to counseling once. The lady told me that I should just grow up. My eye's flew out of my head! I am grown up and have been since a small child(if you understand what I am saying).<P>I do not really want to go to a pastor, I already feel bad about myself and do not need any judgemental people trying to rain on me fire and brimstone.<P>JustLearning,<P>I could not really change my husband. He has changed a lot over the last 2 years. Probably the only things I would change is the word NO means NO.period.<P>To change myself. If i could go back in time, I would want to be an innocent child. The kind of child my children are. Free. No abuse, nothing taken from me(forcefully). Do you know what I mean?<P>All my life people have taken and taken from me. AND I have given and given. I cannot give of myself anymore. I have shut everything out. The only happiness i find is some in being with my kids. <P>MY H said to me that I was trying to recapture my youth. We have been together since I was 16. He was 19. He had been the run around and party type. I was the "be home by 10" type. I raised my brother and sister more than my ever blasted mother did. I had my first baby at 18.<P>I feel like that may be somewhat of an issue. I am not sure. I, for the most part, really do not want to be married anymore or ever again for that matter. I have stated before that if we didn't have kids, i really wouldn't have a reason to be here.<P>Peppermint,<P>THinking now aobut your reply, my affair the first time(with the same man as now) was an EXIT affair. I wanted out of my relationship NOW. It was also an emotional affair, later turned physical.<P>He told me, after I revealed this affair, if I ever did it again I would have to go. So I did it again. Yes, I told him many times i wanted out, but he always used the kids against me, took all the money, took the keys you name it he did it. so I took drastic measures to get out.<P>Anyway, thanks for listening. <BR>Mercy<P>

Good Morning Mercy,<P>You seem to understand why you had an affair. It seems to me that you are saying that you do not want to be in your marriage, but feel that you are trapped there. Also, that your children are the center of your life.<P>What kind of communication do you have with your husband? Have you spoken as openly about your feelings to him as you have here? You really need to resolve some of these issues with him and with yourself. I honestly think that counseling, both with your husband and alone, could do wonders for your situation if you had a good counselor.<P>As you know from your own childhood, two happy, loving parents are the best thing you can offer children. Let them be the motivation you need to take charge of your marital situation. Do it for yourself, your husband, and your children. You all deserve it.<P>Best wishes to all of you,<P>Peppermint

Peppermint,<P>I try to be open and honest to my H. I know there are area's to which I cannot be totally open. He has a lot of questions which I cannot answer openly. I try not to say anything on this forum that I haven' discussed with hiim. Sometimes, we both read posts and it opens doors and conversation.<P>I feel trapped definelty, but, you know, we got away this weekend (looking at houses where we are moving) and last night my H said that I had walked up to him yesterday and put my arms around him( I do not remember) he said i touched him in a way that said"I still love you and I am happy with you" I guess it is in a way I used to do things with him. So I see subcontiously that i do love him, but the marriage is old, feelings have been destroyed(due to the abuse) and the OM is exciting. <P>SOOO, we are moving away, so I can get my mind together. As long as I see OM everyday(willing or not) I cannot begin to heal.<P>My H said, "I cannot wait to date you, get to know you" I think I feel the same way. I am getting excited to move. ( a friend i helping us buy a house, we already have the job and this same friend's wife is a principal of a school that she said she would get the kids into. So the stage is set, we just need to act!<P>Thanks for all the advice<BR>Mercy

updateing <P>

Mercy,<P>I see many positive signs for you! I'm certain that past abuses make it hard for you to open your heart to your husband. Infidelity is definitely a form of abuse too, so I'm struggling with similar feelings towards my own husband. It's really hard to open yourself to the possibility of being hurt again.<P>Maybe moving will give both of you a fresh start. Make a new life together built on some new memories. That's what I'll be hoping and praying happen for you.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint