Live&Learn,<P>I read the posts from you and mercy and I hope that you two could help guide me through your experiences with this so I may better understand mine. Like I said to mercy, I just want to understand what my W is going through better so that I may help her through it. Could you tell me what would help you to want to try and work out you marriage? What are your feelings about the whole situation? Have you lost hope and given up and how did it get to that point? And can it be changed? Anything you feel that you share that would help me would be appreciated. I love my wife unconditionally and miss her so much. My life is horrible right now and I just want to do all I can to resolve our marriage no matter what it takes. <P>Thanks in advance...talk to you soon

caj1, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. <P>Let me just say that I have the utmost respect for Dr. Harley and have read through most of the articles here and agree with his counseling methods. But I also believe that the best advice is to be given directly by Dr. Harley or another counselor that uses his methods. On your other thread it was mentioned that until your wife decides to stop contact with the OM, many of your loving actions may be not appreciated by her (for now). This was me when I was involved. Everything my husband did was ignored or pushed me away if he was overtly trying to "win me back". I think at the time I felt as if he knew he may have not paid a whole lot of attention to me for the last several years and was trying to make up for lost time. It's hard to say exactly what your wife is feeling because I don't know exactly the background or her exact mindset.<P>The OM was a neighbor and friend of both myself and my husband It happened because what I feel now, I was not mature enough to recognize that marriages are something that you work on if things get a little rough, not just bail when you seem to get into a rut. He was someone I confided in when things were going bad and it seemed we had so much in common. What we had in common was the discussion of the problems in our marriages and that is so wrong.<P>I'm going to throw some things out here that helped me. When you ask yourself honestly, have you shown your wife in the past that you love and care for her? Is her affair (in your opinion) the direct result of perhaps some neglect, or is it because of her unrealistic expectations of marriage or immaturity (with me it was the latter.)? There is no excuse but I think to get to the bottom of the issue you have to look at the past a little. And don't try to blame yourself for little things, try to be objective. When I look at it completely objectively, I think the unrealistic expectations are what got me to the point of my affair. <P>When you do things you perceive are loving and nice, what is her reaction? If it's negative, you have to change the way you're doing things (i.e. 180). If she displays irritation at what you're doing, this doesn't mean you have to ignore her or be rude, but I would say that it's time for you to start focusing on something that makes you happy that doesn't involve her. I don't think that it's fair to put yourself in the position of being hurt by her continuously. This is where you need to question yourself whether what she's doing is something that's not going to change unless you do a complete turnaround (180). <P>I also think that focusing entirely upon her and her behavior right now will ultimately have a negative impact on you in the long run. Pace yourself and guage her reaction, but don't put so much focus on her you lose perspective of what makes you happy. <P>And remember what attracted her to you in the first place, you were most likely full of confidence. You're still that same guy <P>Take care, and I hope this helped a little.