Hi gang,<BR>It is a really bad weekend. The girls are with their dad and I am so lonely.<P>I am having a terrible time tonight and I just don't feel like "bothering" any of my friends with my monthly cry. They have heard it so much, as I am sure most of you have too.<P>Some of you are starting to have some up times and although it makes me feel so happy for you.....it makes me feel so sad for myself. No...a pity party is not in order....just some down right blubbering.<P>I miss the [censored]. How, I don't know. Some days I just long for his arms to be wrapped around me and telling me everything will be alright. That he has made a huge mistake and asking me if I can forgive him. Sometimes I pray to hear that and sometimes I still break down wondering how all of this is happening to "us". Before all of this affair stuff, we had so much fun.....we were just a happy little family.<P>I cry because it will never be again. And never is such a long, long time.<P>He is so cruel and abusive now.....but I seem to keep pushing that away because I know that was not him before all of this. <P>But any way...sorry...I am just so hurt, still after all this time.<P>N

Nancy,<P>I understand completely. Even though I know my marriage is completely over and it is better that way, I still miss my H. I think I miss mainly the companionship. I always hated being alone. I hate it even more now.<P>Sometimes I can't wait for my divorce to be final so I can start trying to date again. Other times I don't want to wait. I want a relationship now. <P>(((((NANCY)))))<P>Mitzi

I do know what you mean. I miss my H too. I miss belonging to someone. Reading your post reflected how I feel too.<P>Yesterday I was doing pretty good. I thought that this D would give me a chance to start over. Build a new life.........today I want my old life, my old H. The one I have now, I do not know.<P>I think tonight he is out with someone he met on the internet of all places. He has lied to he also.<P>I do not like sleeping alone, but I dont miss sharing the covers.<P>Hang in there, I know that with time maybe this up and down feelings will go away.<P>I am thinking about you!

Hi Nancy,<P>I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder how I could ever miss my H after all he has done to our family, but I really do miss him. <P>I've decided that the only reason my H ever talked about reconciling with me was to keep from paying child support etc. What a sad reason to reconcile. Now, I know this divorce is going to happen and there is nothing that is going to change that. <P>Like you, I know there is a different person under that mask somewhere and that this is not the person I married. I don't know where he went or if he will ever return.<P>We have to just try and be strong. One day we will look forward to the weekends again. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you and take care.

Nancy,<BR> Don't worry about bothering anyone here.That's what we're all here for.Sorry you're having a bad day.I,too,have a mixed feeling of love and hate for my W.How is that possible? I guess,like you,before all this happened,it seemed("seemed"is the key word,here)like we were getting along fine.Sometimes,as I lie alone in bed,I wish she would just show up and crawl into bed with me.But I know that's not going to happen.Never is a long time,and right now it's still hard to comprehend.Our time frames with our spouses are pretty close together,and like you,it's still so hard to believe.People tell me there's always a reason for these things,but I haven't seen it,yet.Don't give up hope. --Murph

Thanks guys.....I am somewhat feeling better already. It is just sometimes the "wave" hits me and I feel so sad.<P>Mitzi...I wished I could be like you and see that it will be better this way (divorce), but for some reason I can't. I just don't see it better, not for me, the children or for him. Of course that is if he could be the person we all remember.<P>My3Kids...I do miss having someone to share "adult" stuff with and it doesn't seem the same talking to anyone else. I still have to fight for the covers with the girls when they crawl into bed with me. Do you often wonder.....when they are laying down to go to sleep if they think of us?<P>Tulip....Thanks...I hope I look forward to weekends again. Isn't it strange that you can miss someone after all they have done to us? And isn't it so d@mn frustrating that you can't stop the process of the divorce? You almost feel like going up to them and just asking why....but they will only say more to hurt you. Can't win.<P>Murph....you know I have thought about the same thing.....him just showing up one night...crawling into the bed....holding me and just crying...saying how sorry he is. And then just staying like that for a week. Dreams...gosh aren't we romantic. I always seem to try and think of ways...if I was in his shoes....that I would do this or that. Of course, we must not be on the same wave lengths.<P>

I, too, miss my H. There is no upside to this. I don't know how anyone can say that they are better off after divorce, unless there was abuse. There is nothing good about this. <P>Right now I think I would almost settle for him wanting to divorce "as friends". But he doesn't want that - he is consumed with rage, and is not willing to talk to me about anything unless it is absolutely essential and child-related.

Yes I do wonder if he thinks about me. He called the other night to talk about birthday stuff. He got a call on his cell phone and said he would call back. A hour later he still had not called, so I called him and he had for got to call me back.<P>The only thing I think he thinks about mostly is work. I know that the kids think that his job comes first.<P>I do wish that he would remember we were a great family.<P>What do you do with your wedding album and pictures? I am having a hard time putting them away. We have honeymoon stuff too. I still have my wedding dress, that I made myself in my cedar chest. (I wish that I could fit into it) but it is these things that bring up the old memories. I just wonder if he thinks about those times.<P>Hang in there.....

My3Kids,<BR>You know....I really do believe that they think about us. And for many of you.....I don't think that I am included, I think that they would come home if they only knew how. They just don't see what they are doing.<P>I just got home from work and there was a msg from my stbx on the recorder. Stuff about some cd rom he got the girls and wanted to know if I could do it for them since I have AOL. Like they couldn't have asked me themselves. I really do believe that he will try to think of anything to call. He sounded so "normal"...made me cry. I hate answering machines, but my attorney and the custody evaluator said that I needed one. So I broke down....but boy you should hear my msg. Everyone said it sounds so sexy and in control. I hope my voice made him think of me.<P>Nancy