1st of all I'm new here, I have read a lot of the messages and it seems to be pretty supportive for all. so here is some of my story. I know its lomg<P>We had a ruff(bad) year maybe 2 before this all happened and my outlook on life seemed very negative. I had been withdrawing love units for a long time, love my wife dearly but only should this when wanting sex so she starting questioning my love. She asked me to quit my job and move out of Country for her job and I did so only because I love her. I didn't want to move even though it was temp. and we would be moving back. The move was to help cut down on her travel and give her more time with the famialy, she a workohalic. That were some of my love buster are, I'm not 1st anymore <P>BUT only 2-3 weeks after the move she started the sexual relationship with the OM but the emotional one started maybe 2 months before that. Now I'm a Mr mom completely depandant on my wife who has an affair. We didn't even have our household good yet, I'm sleeping on the floor with my kids and she is on a buisness trip sleep in a bed with an OM but I didn't know that at the time. 3 month passed and I started to notice that my wife had now emotional stuff for me at all and by the time 3-4 months passed with no sex I know something was wrong. So I looked in her work computers email and found out about OM and that she was pregnant. and that she was planning to spend the new year eve with him (buisness trip). Confronted her and she admitted all. She said that the thought the baby was mine but not sure. After a visit to the Doc. she nows it is mine by the due date(she said that the sex with OM hadn't started yet) but I'm still scared that it might not be because I know that the emotional relationship had started in time ??so how can I be really sure?? <P>She would like to try and save the marriage for the sake of our 9 years, 2 kids an 1 on the way but admits that the love for a husband is not there and that its more like a brother or father of her kids stuff!!Plus she said that she loves the OM and that it was wrong but part of her is asking herself how could it be completely wrong if it was love. ?? How do I deal with a comment like that??<P>Now it has been three months and I have been trying to meet all if not most of her needs. And NOT removeing only love units. She said that for her things are improving but is still unable (or unwilling) to meet most of my needs and she is showing no affection at all! Now she is 7 months pregnant so I understand the lack of sex but there could be some affection like holding hands, kissing (not like she my mom but real kisses),smilling or even just setting next to me. She doesn't even feel comfortable letting me feel her stomac and I know the baby is kicking now! I'm not the one who cheated yet I'm the one full of love who would like my wife back. ?? Is this backwards??<P>The thing I have been asking myself is ??how long I can give my all when I'm not recieving much ??<BR>She is trying I can tell that (I think) and her work habits are improving but that could be just a slow down that she is taking credit for. She does feel really bad and is really betting herself up for it. She said that she is not able to be close to anybody right now and seems to question if she worth it or deserves it. I think she is.?? could she really feel so bad if how can I help??<BR>The other day I mentioned that it is kinda ironic that now I'm being the man she wanted for the last year but now it might be to late and she agreed!!That scared me that she agreed that it might be to late!!<P>She is travelling again this week and she is in the town of her lover. I trust her but only because she wouldn't want to hurt me again. She has agreed not to see him or to communicate unless it is work related.<P>Am I being to understanding ?? how long is a good time frame for some affection to start returning ?? And my wife mentioned that I seem to contradict myself a lot, but the only place I think I seem to do that is in my strength (staying power) never on my love and she agreed. So how can I be stronger??

Hi BL and Welcome -<P>I am sorry that you and your family are going through all of this.....it can be a long, painful road but you are fortunate to have found MB. You're right in that there is a very supportive group here. <P>First, in answer to the title of this thread: How long can I last? - The answer can only come from within. It is entirely up to you as to whether you will be able to see this through or not.<BR>Our job is to help you along the way - your job is to decide if you love your wife and want your marriage enough to learn all you can here, put into practice the techniques suggested, acquire and hone your patience, understanding, love and compassion skills, and do whatever you have to do to improve anything about yourself that might need to be done...<P>The first question to ask yourself is:<BR> Do you love your Wife?<BR>Then - Do you want to do what is necessary to save your Marriage?<P>If the answer to those are Yes....then start reading about The MB principles. Learn about Plan A, etc......all the info on this site. Go back and follow stories of some posters....like SHA (Sir Hurts Alot) - his is a good example of what to do and the amount of patience that is needed.<P>The best aid in getting a good hold of your emotions while you have to go through this is to realize that Infidelity IS something that can be overcome....with the correct approach!!<P>Can't give a deadline - each case is different.....there are average comparisons around to be a guideline, but keep in mind that they are not gospel!! The best way to handle this emotionally is not to dwell on how long - think of this as an addictive "sickness" if you will. Takes time to recuperate.<P>The comments that she makes - they all say the same stuff pretty much.....read around - we often joke that they must have a handbook that they use!!! Don't personalize it too much....she is not unique, the same has been said to just about all of us!!! That's where understanding that infidelity is a time of "fantasy" for the betrayer.....Sense of reality is warped if not gone completely. AND it is not as personal as we the betrayed usually react to it.<P>They are in a fog....they have to be or the guilt of what they have done would destroy them....they need to justify their own behavior and it is usually through us that they do so.<P>That is not to say that you had no part in any problems that were happening before the affair....<P>You have to analize things....take a good look at what you think led you two to where you are. What can you improve upon? What behaviors of yours do you feel could use to be changed?<P>I hope I have helped you with how to start on this road....it won't be an easy one...but you will have tons of help and shoulders here if you want.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi Again BL -<P>I neglected to address some of the more personal questions you posed throughout your thread.....sorry!!<P>As far as your concerns about knowing for sure whether the baby is yours...<BR>well, that's a tough one...<P>All I can think of on that is that you have to determine if it makes a difference in wanting your marriage and your love for your wife. I am sure that just for your own peace of mind it can be determined when the child is born.<P>There are several posters who have been in your situation....some where the child was theirs and some where the child was the product of the affair and they chose to stay in the marriage. Either way it comes down to what YOU want.........<P>As far as meeting needs - it will take time for her to start meeting yours. This is also a common thing....and if you look at your own situation - hers weren't met for quite a while....now it's your turn, I guess. But you know, you really don't want to keep score on this though. You are not just meeting her needs for her to give you some back!! You do it because that is how married partners should treat each other!!! <P>As far as the signs of meeting your needs and showing or allowing some intimate affection (like the stomach rubbing) - Think of how she must have had to feel soooooo distant from you where her brain allowed herself to have an affair in the first place. There must have been a big chasm between you two that she perceived anyway, right?<P>It will take time for her to emotionally close that gap.....this makes sense that she would treat you more on the "brotherly/friend side. You both need to build on that friendship and rediscover the love and intimacy that you have both buried under life's rubble from the last few years.<P>Sort of like when you started going out...took some time to get those intimate feelings of oneness - didn't it? <P>It is not "backwards" that you have the love to give and show......and it is not unusual to feel that you are suffering a punishment for something you didn't do wrong......What is really going on is that you have been in reality and she has been in fantasy.....you have had the time to reflect on what went wrong in the marriage and see some details - where she only had pain, lonliness, confusion and fear - then this fantasy. She hasn't had the time yet to see that the old way of life can be better and what she can do to contribute to that goal....<P>Again, she needs time to discover all of this....<P>You can't rush her, you can't force her, you can't dictate the timeline. All you can do is what I stated in my first post and be a safe, loving place for her.<P>No judgements, no pressures.....just a lot of support and love.<P>The betrayers go through a lot of pain. Look around the threads, you'll see that there is withdrawal (like from a drug) there are guilt feelings to deal with, a lot of fears, and so much more!! It's not a cut and dry thing. It's not like the spouse says I still love you and they walk off to Wonderland.....<P>She feels terrible....she must work through it. You can't do anything except be supportive, loving, understanding and patient......Don't crowd her, don't push her and do not expect things from her. <P>Lowering expectations is a big part of being able to get through this. Keeping in mind that it is not a scenario where score is kept and that you have to give for a while with possibly NOTHING in return is not only a potential but a longtime reality for a lot of us. But the goal of a better marriage is worth it.....<P>Hope this helps some more.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sheba:<BR><B>Hi Again BL -<P>I neglected to address some of the more personal questions you posed throughout your thread.....sorry!!<P>As far as your concerns about knowing for sure whether the baby is yours...<BR>well, that's a tough one...<P>All I can think of on that is that you have to determine if it makes a difference in wanting your marriage and your love for your wife. I am sure that just for your own peace of mind it can be determined when the child is born.<P>There are several posters who have been in your situation....some where the child was theirs and some where the child was the product of the affair and they chose to stay in the marriage. Either way it comes down to what YOU want.........<P>As far as meeting needs - it will take time for her to start meeting yours. This is also a common thing....and if you look at your own situation - hers weren't met for quite a while....now it's your turn, I guess. But you know, you really don't want to keep score on this though. You are not just meeting her needs for her to give you some back!! You do it because that is how married partners should treat each other!!! <P>As far as the signs of meeting your needs and showing or allowing some intimate affection (like the stomach rubbing) - Think of how she must have had to feel soooooo distant from you where her brain allowed herself to have an affair in the first place. There must have been a big chasm between you two that she perceived anyway, right?<P>It will take time for her to emotionally close that gap.....this makes sense that she would treat you more on the "brotherly/friend side. You both need to build on that friendship and rediscover the love and intimacy that you have both buried under life's rubble from the last few years.<P>Sort of like when you started going out...took some time to get those intimate feelings of oneness - didn't it? <P>It is not "backwards" that you have the love to give and show......and it is not unusual to feel that you are suffering a punishment for something you didn't do wrong......What is really going on is that you have been in reality and she has been in fantasy.....you have had the time to reflect on what went wrong in the marriage and see some details - where she only had pain, lonliness, confusion and fear - then this fantasy. She hasn't had the time yet to see that the old way of life can be better and what she can do to contribute to that goal....<P>Again, she needs time to discover all of this....<P>You can't rush her, you can't force her, you can't dictate the timeline. All you can do is what I stated in my first post and be a safe, loving place for her.<P>No judgements, no pressures.....just a lot of support and love.<P>The betrayers go through a lot of pain. Look around the threads, you'll see that there is withdrawal (like from a drug) there are guilt feelings to deal with, a lot of fears, and so much more!! It's not a cut and dry thing. It's not like the spouse says I still love you and they walk off to Wonderland.....<P>She feels terrible....she must work through it. You can't do anything except be supportive, loving, understanding and patient......Don't crowd her, don't push her and do not expect things from her. <P>Lowering expectations is a big part of being able to get through this. Keeping in mind that it is not a scenario where score is kept and that you have to give for a while with possibly NOTHING in return is not only a potential but a longtime reality for a lot of us. But the goal of a better marriage is worth it.....<P>Hope this helps some more.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thanks sheba<P>This really does work! It sure is nice to be told that your story isn't unlike others and that the things the W said so far is commen. about the baby being mine I guess i'll wait an cross that bridge when I get there. I would like to think I'm the kind of man that could say if the baby isn't mine, we will see that's a tough one.<P>I trying to meet her needs and maybe there is a little keeping score going on, Though I'm trying not to. I'm lucky in a way that is it feels good to care about her still and I have always though to myself that if things don't work out it will not be because of my lack of love. It would be helpful if I could learn to show it in a way that she needs.<P>I have always been a cut an dry / black or white kind of guy. But I do very much see at least some of the things I did to contribute to the deterioration of the marriage.<P>I'm not sure how to approach the problem of the pictures? She took a lot of pictures when with the OM. Almost like they was on vacation. He is only in about 10%, she is in about 20%(he must of took them) then the rest are just of things Like statues, ruin or other sightseeing things. She understands letting go of the ones with him in them but that's all. And will not let go of any of the negatives because there are some good pictures on them. One roll of film is nothing but the famial and my little girls school show but it have only 1 bad picture on it.... Him with her on his lap arms arould each other. I wont to throw the negative but she doesn't. For now they are setting with all our pictures! Maybe I should drop it for now<P>Oh?? when I show care for the w she sometimes feels pressure or uncomfortable because I'm giving she know what i want but can't give back. How do you give without her feel like you must get something back? <P> yes I love my w and yes I want to do what is need to restore our marriage<BR>I will go back an read SHA 's story<BR>

BL <P>I typed you a really long reply and hit backspace and lost my post. So this will be a shorter one.<P>I agree totally with Sheba. Theres not much I can add to that but a few things.<P>I know when I was pregnant, and my H was so in love with me back then, I had a hard time giving to him. The hormones and all can overcome you. So that could be some of it. Some of it is her in withdrawal if she truly gave him up. <P>One thing that concerns me is your comment, she would never hurt me again like that. Please don't ever believe that. Many of us here, have thought that only to have been hurt EVEN far worse. Its not that the wayward sets out to hurt us, but that pull from the affair is hard to compete against. It may be over for now, but you just dont' know and its so soon to trust her . <P>Time is all you have here. It will take time to get her to open up to you again. You will have to deal with paternity of the baby, I am praying its yours. She needs to want to save the marraige, you can't do it on your own. ANd actions speak louder than words. If your needs go unmet, you are vulnerable to an affair as well. <P>Time, patience, love, understanding, caution, faith, and prayer. Thats all you can do right now, plus continue on plan A.<P>Prayers are out with you today. Dana<BR>

Welcome <B>BL</B>...<P>You've gotten great advice so far...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Jim