I have two children who are so full of life and joy and happiness. My daughter (3 yrs) is so cute it is beyond words to try to describe her. She is bouncy and joyful and melts the hearts of everyone she meets. My son is all boy. He's already showing signs of some behavioral problems because of mom and dad's poor relationship. I have a feeling we've only seen the tip of the iceberg of what's in store when we separate.<P>My wife is determined to separate no matter what the consequences to our children. I don't know what to tell the kids. They are so inocent. I know how much it means to them to have a functioning home. I am so grieved, so so terribly grieved. My heart physically aches from the pain of it all. How much grief can a person stand before they just die?<P>I know there is no good answer of what to say to the kids. But some of you must have been satisfied with what you've told your kids.<P>I want to tell the kids the whole truth. But I don't know if that is best. Nobody knows the whole truth exept me, my W, OM and W's best friend. This is such a mess. I don't know what to do.

Telling our kids was the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. Plus it was just as sudden to them as it was to me.<P>My H is just in some bizzaar fantasy. We bought a new car to travel with our 2 children, we were making renovations on our house and then BOOM! the switch went off to me and the 2 kids.<P>I'll never forget my daughters face and response when my H told her that he was leaving. I can understand how marraiges completely disintegreate after this. You simply hate your spouse for something this irrational and selfish. <P>I keep telling my kids that Daddy is having a difficult time right now. The adults don't even understand it , so we can't expect the kids to. <P>I tell them that Daddy loves them, it's nothing that they did and we love daddy. <P>We pray for him every night.<P>It is so hard to be strong for them. I have cried in front of them. MY eldest (D) is in counseling. She is 11 and was very close to her dad. My H was very involved with our children (though he denies it now) so it was really a change for them<P>My H has NO tolerance for the kids right now. It's like he thinks they should be adults and not kids. I just don't get it.<P>You really have to think about the kids always. You have to try to not put them in the middle. Always protect them no matter what you think of your spouse. <P>He will say to me we have to do what's best for the kids, yet he will also say "they'll be OK" I feel like telling him to go to h**** but I have to at least be the ADULT in this situation.;

hopefull_1,<BR>I wasn't going to separate but am going to as soon as our budget will allow two households to be run. From the tone in your post, the children will be going with her. I would let them know that you love very much and that you will always be there for them. <P>I have told our boys (13, 11) that as soon as the busget will allow that we, the three us, would be moving out because I will not allow her to do to them what her mother did to her. We, she and I, discussed what was done to her until she became defensive because she still is in denial because she doesn't want anything negative to be said about any aspect of her life. The boys are in favor of going with me because she really is hard on them.<P>It also sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. I will pray for your situation. I am praying that it doesn't come to her moving out because the best thing is for the two of you to stay together (God's plan.) I am praying the same prayer for my family as well.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

I wish I had an answer for you. My wife is looking for an apt and will move out soon for our separation. There's nothing I can do to stop it. We haven't told our 2 boy yet (9 & 7 years old). We both know they will be crushed. Even though I'm staying in the house, we will "split" time with them depending on how close she is. She says she needs the separation to allow the dust to settle and resolve a few things in her mind before she can commit to rebuilding our marriage. She has not been with the OM in a month but still feels very attached to him. He's married w/3 children and apparently not ready to leave his wife. I can understand her need to get some space to sort out her feelings for him and me. I just wish there was another way.<BR>I have been thinking of how to tell our sons in a way they will understand. Haven't come up with anything other than my wife and I will tell them together and reassure them that we both love them dearly.

Perhaps it is so hard to find the words because the truth is that at least on partner is putting their own needs over those of the family.<P>It is hard to find words when the situation stinks, pure and simple.<P>There are no words to reassure the kids that this is for the best, because clearly for them it is not.<P>My heart goes out to each of you.<P>On a practical note, my SIL's Christian counselor had her helping her kids by writing their feelings in the form of prayers when their dad dumped the family. They allowed me to read them and I cried my eyes out.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, with 7 separations, I've had a bit of experience with this, but my kids are older 11 & 14. If at all possible, tell them together. "Mom & dad have decided we can't live together anymore. This is all our fault and is not your fault at all. We both love you and will continue to see you and spend time with you. " Hugs. "Do you have any questions?" Answer the questions.<P>This is how our separation talks have gone:<BR>First time: H told the kids & me at the same time that he was moving out. It was a surprise for me and I cried and tried to talk him out of it.<P>2nd: He told me on the phone he wasn't coming home. He told the kids by himself.<P>3rd: He was leaving for 2 weeks anyway, he left early and I told them myself.<P>4th: He moved into the basement, we told them together, then he moved out a couple weeks later and again we told them together. 14 year old (13 then) VERY ANGRY.<P>5th: He said he might not be coming home, he called to say he wasn't. I told them. We talked together the next day with them.<P>6th: Repeat of #5.<P>7th: I told them.<P>There's really no good way, especialy if you go through more than 1 separation, because in coming home, the WS usually promises that they'll never leave again...and if/when they do, it isn't just the spouse who has to deal with broken promises/trust, it is the children as well.<P>I'm sorry you're having to go through this.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

I think the most important thing is to be honest, let them know it had nothing to do with them, and try not to let the issue between you and your spouse be the focus when discussing the situation with them. My X was to come to the house on a Saturday evening to talk to both of them with me and never showed up. I had to tell them myself. <P>I certainly wanted to tell them what a selfish [censored] he was, but kept it to myself. They are 16 and 13. I Told them that we had some problems, they already knew it involved another woman. When they asked questions, I was honest but did not blast him. <P>Since he has been gone, he takes them when it is convenient, and when he does have them, his life still revolves around his activites, not to do things with them. They already seldom want to go, I let him and the kids deal with it. I do believe he will someday regret this, but for now, he is doing what he wants for himself. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hopefull<P>When my then w decided to leave after I told her she couldn't live here and date, we agreed to tell the children together.<P>She didn't wait, she had to take lunch to om who just happened to be staying at a local motel as he had left his wife, and told them herself.<P>However she fabricated a story about how she was leaving for a while like she was going on a shopping trip. When I told them the truth, they both cried and ran to their rooms. W was very angry at me.<P>After we tried, make that I tried to reconcile, and she went back to om, and I decided to divorce we got the kids together and told them together. It went far better than I thought.<P>I guess my case was different in that their mother worked afternoon shift and was not involved in their evening lives and also she had also pulled away emotionally from us at least a year earlier.<P>The kids were already used to her not being around much. Now they don't even seem to miss her.<P>Be truthful as you can. Make sure your kids understand it is not their fault. My son had questions about where he would live. When it was pointed out he would have two homes, while living with me, he was content. My daughter never has said too much. Her main concern was whether or not she would have to go to the divorce hearing. I hope you don't have to discuss this with them.<P>God Bless<P>Bob