My H truly seems to forget EVERYTHING about our relationship. He forgets details about the children (2 young ones) and our marraige. He denies these things. He tells me he is someone different. <P>I swear the real H was abducted and replaced by this new and unimproved one.<P>He was a great h and a devoted father until a business trip with the even more bizzaar OP. She is as obsessed as him.<P>I know it takes time with plan A. It is like you have to woo them back or make them fall in love with you again.<P>This is hard when they tell you they were "acting" but didn't know it the whole marraige (13 years). It is painful. I just want to kick him and tell him where to go. Especailly since I know that his relationship with Op will mostlikely go nowhere and at some point in the not too distant future he will regret and be ashamed of what he did.<P>His own family Mom and sibs think he is nuts!!!! and will hardly speak to him.<P>Do any of your s's say they "forget" things. I didn't even know we had problems. HE never said a word. We always seemed to get along. <P>He even seems to have inaccurate ideas of what our relationship was all about. He says We screamed at each other all the time. Is this part of the fantasy??????t

Too Trusting,<P>Yes, it is part of the fantasy! All he is doing is trying to justify his actions! I know it is so frustrating! It hurts so much! <P>Just hang in there and keep up with Plan A as hard as it is! I am thinking of you and praying for you! Take care! <P>Woozy

TT,<BR> I wonder if our spouses were abducted by the same UFO?My W insists she was"acting"for about 15 years.15 years!? She should be on the Academy Awards tonight.This has been driving me nuts,but she's the one who's nuts.I thought maybe she just wanted to hurt me,but I think she really believes it.I'll never understand how someone can feel this way.Is it just the affair,or does it go deeper than that?I told her she needed professional help(that went over like a lead balloon).<BR> Over 22 years we traveled everywhere.We hiked,we camped,we took pictures together.She was always calling me at work,telling me she loved me.Still,she says,"It was all an act".I'll never understand.And I remember us getting along better than a lot of couples.Now I was seen as"controlling and abusive".Is it really part of the fantasy,or has she lost some shingles off her roof?? <BR> --Murph

tootrusting,<P>My H seems to have forgotten most of the good times. He also seems to have forgotten a lot of events, even ones that were unrelated to our relationship.<P>The therapist asked us if we argued much. Simultaneously, I started to say, "Occasionally", and he said, "All the time". I was shocked - I must have been in a different marriage than he was. Our kids said that we argued, "a medium amount" - and that was after the affair had been going on for months, during which we argued much more than usual, and it seemed like he was always trying to start an argument.<P>Recently he told me that if we had faced our problems, we would have been divorced long ago. He did not, however, tell me what these problems were.<P>He also forgets a lot of recent events, and things we have discussed, even things you would think he would want to remember. <BR>

TT,<P>Apparently that's part of the affair package. My H told me exactly the same thing that he couldn't remember. Or he would say "the sweet and loving time is long gone".<P>Hang in there.<BR>

My H has also forgotten everything. When I am actually speaking to him, I hear "I don't remember," or "That is not at all how I remember it." Of course, he thinks that I was the worst b***h to ever walk the face of the earth. He completely denies reality. No, I wasn't perfect, but I was also not at all like he remembers. He says it would be so much easier to start over with someone new blah, blah, blah.<P>I think it is all part of their fantasyland. I know it is hard, but hang in there.<P>Tulip

HI All,<BR> It's been a while. I HAD to respond to this!! <BR> My W remembers is the BAD!! I mean, she remembers NOTHING good! NOTHING!! She actually told OM (I heard through the grapevine) that we were OVER after a year!! We've been married FOURTEEN YEARS!! <BR> What were the other thirteen YEARS? An ACT? <BR> If I were OM I'd HAVE to wonder if that was true, what did she do just USE me for THIRTEEN YEARS?<BR> Well, the reason for this post is to say for a month or so I BELEIVED HER!! She had ME only remembering the BAD times and I BELEIVED her that it WAS ALL BAD!<BR> WEll, it WASN'T!! We had our bumps (mostly during PMS time she has it bad) BUT DAM IT, WE HAD A GREAT MARRIAGE, lots of LOVE and I WASN'T this MONSTER she wants everyone to beleive I was/AM.<BR> She's in a fantasy and that includes ME BEING A MONSTER and 13 yrs of HELL!! <BR> THANKS GUYS, I thought it was ME!! <BR>GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

YES!! It must be part of the fantasy. My H has said several times that he married me for the wrong reasons and that he hasn't been in love with me for a very long time. He says that he was just content and now he is happier with OW and that is where he wants to be even if it doesn't last. However he loved me enough to agree to get me pregnant before he started the relationship with OW. I think that when the S has any physical contact with OP the OP sucks all rational and realistic thought from our S's

My H says the same thing... " I've been prending for 18 years... I was forced to marry you" ( I wasn't PG !!!) We dated 5 years before we were married.......<BR>says alot of terrible things about me... He NEVER ONCE told me he was unhappy... now he has the OP and she stloe his heart... I think he is going to divorce me.

Hi Tootrusting -<P>Yes, this is such a common occurence with the WS's.....<P>I was soooo relieved when I first came here and found that out!!! I thought I was going to go insane from what H was spewing forth from his mouth!!! He would not only forget the good parts of "us" and remember just the bad (and blown out of proportion) but he actually would tell me things that I did or said to him that NEVER occurred!!!<P>He was having imaginary conversations and scenarios inside his head!!! I think that he was listening to OW and others about what I would do or think about things and would somehow transfer that to me actually doing it!!! <P>It was insane!!!! <P>I used to picture a big room where WS's would go and stare at a big screen and be "programmed" with subliminal messages!!! Then they would give them all their "handbooks" and send them on their way!! A brainwashing factory!!!<P>There's a really good thread which I think is kept in the NOTABLE THREAD category about what the Betrayer say...everyone new to this should read it......the relief of knowing that it is part of the infidelity "fantasy" is so helpful to us in our dealing with the pain and confusion of it all.<P>Check it out if you haven't yet....it's funny!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

That is why it is called HISTORY...his story and her story and we all know that stories are written about fictional events all the time and they make best selling books!<P>Seriously, it is not just forgetting, it is justifying why the infidelity is acceptable...if the affair makes me feel good then the marriage must have been bad...how bad depends on how much justification is needed. IMHO the more the WS is giving up to be with OP, the "worse" the marriage must have been and that is what makes it so much harder.<P>It is also amazing that the WS fels that the reason the marriage broke down and led them to have affair is due to "different values" and "growing apart" where in reality their values had to change as an affair (usually) was never part of their value system before and it is hard for WS not to "grow apart" when there is another person secretly in the marriage.<P>

I too have to reply ...<P>It's incredible how my H changed things and events when he was having his affair.<BR>He would remember things that didn't happen, but forget the ones that did happen. Or he would remember then in a way completely different than I did. For a while I was starting to think that I was going crazy.<BR>But after thinking about it I realised it couldn't be. He was the one creating or re-creating all our marriage the way it fitted his actions. It was easier to justify what he was doing if things had never been good. <P>I'm not saying he was doing it on purpose, he wasn't, but that's what was happening.<P>He would remember a bad day, or a fight - which we rarely had - that had happened before we got married, but forget a happy day that had happened just recently.<P>Unfortunately I didn't find this site until recovery was way in progress, but it still helped me to see that I wasn't going crazy after all.<P>take care everybody<BR>Kat<P>P.S. the good news is that ever since things got better is amnesia disapeared and his brain is working normally again <P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Man, this is a good post. Really summarizes some of the insanity that seems universally to go along with adultery. It would seem that for a wayward spouse involved over a long period of time in an affair, that it would take a long time for the cloud of insanity to lift. <P>Any experience with this out there? My W was in an affair for 8 months, but still has shown no interest in talking about what was going on, what needs to be addressed in our marriage etc - and is still adamant about divorce ASAP. She has said some unbelievably callous and hurtful things to and about me. <P>Apart from the obvious conjecture that she is still involved with someone else (which does not seem to be the case, but I am sure wondering), what else could be fueling her determination to longer work on our marriage?<P>Thoughts?<P>

Hi Doc -<P>I have some thoughts on these "runners" of ours.....<P>A lot of factors go into their avoidance of dealing with the relationship, I think.<P>Whether or not she has an OM right now the fact remains that she "separated" herself from you via other people being put into the position of more importance. She broke up the "team" so to speak of just you and her...same as mine did.<P>That allows her mind to enable her to be so disregarding of you and the marriage.<BR>It seems that it is like they crossed a bridge and feel that the bridge is no longer there to come back across. <P>I feel that they then convince themselves that the only way to be happy is to move forward....not realizing that to truly move forward is to resolve and work on the marriage or at the very least face and come to an understanding or closure with it and you. That is too scary and certainly not something that fits with their newly found "easy" road to happiness. So, they decide that divorce is the forward movement!!! It's the best for all concerned....ridiculous to us but convenient for them and their "friends" who might be bipping in their ear!!!<P>I really think that they do have occassional glimpses of reality and pangs of what's right.....but I think that the guilt, the reasons stated above, possibly some learned behavior tendencies and a lot of fear all come together to keep them running away from things.<P>What do you think....does this fit with your wife....could you see any of these factors. I know that my H definitely has this going on.....plus stubbornness - one of those "don't look back" types that he has allowed to come to the forefront of his personality.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>