Those of you who have been here for awhile and especially those of you who are rebuilding please tell me what I or we can do about our constant thoughts about what our spouse did to us. Everything is great between us. I mean everything from A to Z.<BR>We do the little things for each other that we took for granted for so many years. It is amazing how good we feel about each other and our relationship despite the horrible mistakes we made. It seems the only thing affecting a 100% recovery is the too frequent memories of what our mate did. My wife tries to hide it from me because of the hurt she sees in me if she brings it up. I on the other hand tend to let her know what is making me feel bad. When I tell her then she wants to discuss my feelings with me. Maybe that is good. Maybe it is too soon after D-day to actually be able to handle dealing with these memories. Although I know her hurt was as real a mine I give her the impression that her affair was more wrong than mine. In my heart she is probably correct in thinking I feel that way. The reason for me thinking this way is she had an emotional connection with OM (which is gone now). And, I never had any connection. I know she loves me and I love her very much. It is almost as though we are dating again. But, what can we do when these memories come to mind? We have agreed to simply ask each other for a hug (when we are togerther, or if we are apart by phone or e-mail). We already know how these memories hurt so can we just not talk about them. After discussing them we end up in each other's arms.<P>"It's the little things that mean so much!"

How long has it been, D-day? It sounds like all you need is time. Keep the communication lines open and time. Oh, did I mention time?

I don't know if you're seeing a counselor, but sometimes, when something like that comes up, you can write it down rather than discuss it. Then take it to the counselor's office where you can safely discuss things. Or if no counselor, set aside a time. I know I tend to "ambush" my H. He'll be feeling great, I'll throw the memories at him and suddenly nothing seems to be going so well anymore...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

I can really relate to that "ambush" comment, which I guess would be considered LBing. I really don't ambush about my feelings, what happens to me is that I guess that I'm really trying to believe his version of the whole situation so badly that whenever I do my daily analyzing of the whole situation and something just doesn't add up to me, this overwhelming feeling comes over me to have to clear up the doubts that regardless of how much I tell myself to let it go, that nothing will come of me bringing it up...BOOM, my mouth opens up and it becomes a night long discussion. And it's just like you said, he'll be having a good day, being nice to me, maybe getting back on track with our marriage, and there I go ruining yet another night with yapping that's not solving anything. But I can't control myself when I feel that way. The reminders just plain old make me sad but I don't talk about it to him. The alleged OW's name has a holiday connatation and that name appears on my X-mas ornament boxes and after my 4 yr old sees the movie, he comes out of the room singing, "Have a *****, jolly Christmas..." Talk about REMINDERS!!!<BR>It's the inconsistencies that make me crack, because it ruins my hopes of his story being true.

Paul, Lor, Sadmv<BR>Only 4 weeks and no counselor and yes the "reminders". I know it may be too soon and that we(I) am rushing things. But, everything else is so great, it's just the reminders that bring us down.