Some of you know my story, some don't. It's been 4-5 months since I found out, now on my own.<P>Something good yet bad has happened to me. I have Plan A'd and I have become strong. My W hasn't shown the least bit of interest to trying (although she always leaves that 'yet' in there). She just went on a vacation with the OM and the kids for a week. But you know what?<BR>I don't care...<P>I am in danger here. I know I can go on, I have been hurt so bad that I can predict how I am going to feel when I lose a loved one..mom, dad... that hurt. But I am wondering now, I have met someone who is wonderful inside. I am on the edge of giving up, my love units depleted. And I see this person whose interests and person really spark me. And I know she is thinking the same thing.<P>I know now how my wife felt. She was having doubts of the marriage yet thinking there was a chance. But couldn't give up a good thing, couldn't say good bye forever in case the marriage didn't work. Saying anything to take the decision out of her hands.. yet it was all in her hands since I did all she would allow me. <P>Yet my decision is different from hers, I don't have something there to fall back on. It is my decision to make for my betterment or not. There is no marriage for me now because my wife willed it so.<P>Can I go on, is it too soon (dont get me wrong, I am referring to starting a slow relationship..nothing heavy), what will people, relatives think? <P>If I do get really attached and say 6 months from now W wants to try and fix it...what if I cannot leave that person who has become special. Am i an evil person? How long must I wait, what if my W doesn't ever want me back... So many damn what if's.<P>And it's tearing me apart. I look at my suite that I live in that has become home. It has evolved, it has become more loving, it has become a home for me and my kids when they are here.<P>Inside me I have grown and realized that I to have learned. This morning I went to church, not really thinking... It was a different one I was invited to. I was sitting there and it hit me, last time I was here was when I was married. I can remember standing there watching my soon-to-be wife walking up to me smiling. it really set me back. I miss her and will always love her, yet a part of me wants to move on..<P>Advice anyone? Please?<P>James

James,<P>I can't offer you advice, because I am just not experienced enough yet in this area, but I will share my personal experience with you. I think you will see that I am in a similar predicament as you.<P>My H left me on xmas. Moved in with OW. Abandon me and three daughters. Served me with Divorce papers dated for valentines day. No mention any longer of us getting back together even a year from now.<P>Yes, this is probably how your wife felt. And my husband too. BIG difference is THEY WERE MARRIED and we didn't know what they were doing. Now yes we are still married, but THEY have abandon us, chose someone else, and so now the marraige almost lies in our lap.<P>We can chose to stay and fight. I did for a short time, but Plan A, killed me after the torment I went thru at the holidays. I decided to walk away once I was served.<P>I do see someone else. We started out slow. It got to confusing. We backed off a bit, now I dont know how I feel. Friends have been supportive of me, so has family.<P>But you and I take that gamble. Me personally I see nothing wrong with testing the waters. We may decide we really want the marraige. WE may decide we had enough abuse and walk away. But a lot will argue the fact you are in fact still married. So in a way, yes its wrong. It depends on how faithful you are. It depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice.<P>I personally, had enough of watching my H get his needs met and he appeared to be so happy. What about me and why can't I have my needs met? I am a human also.<P>All I can say is GO SLOW, don't just say it, really try. Your being vulnerable will make it hard to go slow. Your being vulnerable will also make it easy to not see clearly. But then again, theres always that chance, this new person will be better for you.<P>Its all a matter of taking a risk. We both face the same thing, down the road "what if" spouses want to come back. You know what, I stopped struggling with that. Now I say, well I'll deal with that when I get there. What if you are madly in love and ready to spend the rest of your life with the new person. Well I guess the wayward will have to live with that for the rest of their life.<P>All I can say is be sure you truly tried to save the marraige, or that will haunt you as well. I really tried. <P>I have stood before you and faced your fears, now I am a living the confusion and you'll notice, I have been lurking shortly but have posted today as well.<P>The thing is, I don't know if there is ever a right time or a wrong time to decide what you are thinking of. Its different for us all. We all have a different thresh hold for pain. We all have needs and we all deserve to be loved. <P>I will watch your story and will offer advice when I can. I know truly all your feelings right now, and its hard. Sometimes it was easier when we felt lonely, right??<P>Just be honest with the new person too. If you truly still love your W, that new person deserves to know. She stands a chance to be hurt here. Be considerate of that.<P>Prayers are with you , Dana<BR>

James,<P>"Go Slow" is really an understatement.<P>Take it from Bill...<BR>got to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> first...<P>If you found this woman as quickly as you did... it could be a sign of your need for a re-involvment... and I hate to say it... maybe a "rebound" reaction.<P>How long for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>? That's up to you... I'd say at least 6 months... but maybe longer.<P>We'll help you with your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter!<P>Do recheck out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A><P> <P>Jim

James,<P>I know exactly how you nfeel. If have even a shread of desire to reconcile with your W go to plan-b right away. I did it for a month, during which my W made ev4en more irrevocable decisions. My lovebank drained and my respect vanished, So I threw in the towel. Am I ok w/my decision, yes. I will admit to haveing doubts but the are far and few between.<P>I too have met a very special woman, I have to remembwer that the first relationship is a throwaway, so I'm being very careful.<P>A good plan-b just may bring Tam around. I don't know all I know is I refuse to be held hostage by my emotions and am ready to begin again.<P>Try plan-b it will perepare you for a life alone.<P>I love you brother,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks for your replies. I already has a near one with another person but we called it off before it went anywhere, just friends since it was not what we needed (especially me) . <P>I was thinking of the plan b. I don't know if it is feasible in my situation. With the kids in the middle me going to a plan b would be tough since there is no one else really to help with the transferring. That, and I think the kids would take it wrong. Actually I think that my W would make it harder and cut back on my time with the kids, neither of us have the resources to go to court so I want to avoid that. Unless I can plan b in such a way that I don't talk to her, or anything when we see each other for the kids... just don't know.<P>Any ideas on that front? <P>The new potential relationship I don't feel is a rebound. The first maybe, but not this one. (although i admit to the possibility of me decieving myself..it doesn't feel that way) even with the first potential I recognized that it was doomed and for the wrong reasons. That is what scares me, it may be something special, its early but she and I really click.<P>Just not sure what I should do. It would be nice to be able to tell my W the plan "b" thing but even there that would cut out being friends around the kids. I think it would really affect that negatively.<P>***********<BR>ok im adding to this. I think I would be scared to go into a plan 'b'. I like the contact we have but I think she knows im still around supporting her (plan 'a'). I guess this means I'm still in withdrawl from my wife Its scarey to consider not talking to her, maybe forever? <P>Help<P>J<p>[This message has been edited by Simply J (edited March 27, 2000).]

James,<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... it there to protect what little love you have for your W.<P>If there is a substantial amount of love for her in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> then <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> will absolutely fail because you won't be able to carry it out successfully!<P>It is when you get to that stage where you can't control your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>... and have no way to effectively meet her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... that you can consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<P>When you get close to seriously considering <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... then you need to plan for it... i.e.<BR>1. what your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter will say<BR>2. how to handle/schedule contact<BR>3. how to handle/schedule visitations (if kids are involved like in your case)<BR>...)also custody issues)<BR>4. how to handle/schedule finances<BR>5. how to prepare your children... enotioaally...<BR>It's almost like preparing for a divorce...<BR>...because you know what... <B>IT IS</B>!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> has the possibility of failing... (in the sense of not bringing your spouse back)...<BR>...in that way it really is the MB's last hope at recovery...<P>From "the book"... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think you're near <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<BR>...although if you starting to see other women... maybe you are! This is truly your call.<P>Is there love left for your W?...<BR>Do you want to salvage it?...<BR>Do you want to commit to a 6 - 12 - 18 month stretch of... honestly... having <B>NO CONTACT</B>?... This is hard... ask Tim! ask Bill!<P>I know in time... I too will have to go that route... most likely in the next 4-6 months...<BR>...but not yet for me!<P>I'm praying for a wise choice...<P>As always... I offer my 2 posts on the topics of the MB "plans"...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>Your friend and brother... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 27, 2000).]

This sounds sad in a way but life was almost easier when I was soo depressed. I had no decisions other than to give up and die or live on for the kids (you know what i mean).<P>Now my decisions affect more than me. I still care for her but I am wondering. Thats the crux. Take tonight for example, I had my friend over to watch Ally (Shame about Billy, brought a tear or two to my eyes) and the kids called (bedtime call). I talked to the kids till they were talked out but really didn't feel like idle chat with the W. I don't want to support her habit any longer. The OM can try and see if he can. I love her still and always will but it's like my life is calling with or without her. I will burn no bridges but I will carry on forward.<P>I guess what I am wondering is what the hell I am doing? and why? I guess this is sort of like giving up on her. I don't want to but can I continue like this for another 4 months, a year? If I meet someone who wants to unknowingly meet my needs, and does?<P><sigh><BR>i guess I havent really been at this too long, 5 months from discovery and almost 4 months on my own I suppose. <P>I just wrote and sent this letter to the W:I think I know more about the decisions you have made and why. This is pretty vague but i think you understand. Shame you couldn't or wouldn't talk to me about it before you let yourself get attached.<P>It's too bad I guess. Everyone is like "do you want what you had or do you want what you could have had'?<P>Don't know why its a part of it, I just want to build again. We had the start of something wonderful, plus the creation of two wonderful beings too. Reap what you sow I guess. We have the framework, didn't think enough about it I suppose.<P>I compare it to setting up a rig for abseiling, I think that is what I can relate to most. Climbing is ok but when you set up that station, with the anchors and safety's all perfect there is a feeling. It may look like a mess at times but you know that when you go down that rope, you made it, you are safe and you would trust it with your life, your family's lives. Scott and I took a course to get to that stage, and I am glad I did since I recognize the pitfalls. It's a perfect feeling, which is the same as when I held Megan and Sarah for the first time. All messy and yucky but so beautiful and...perfect. One of the few times where I did something that resulted in perfection. What a feeling.<P>I will always have that feeling around you and them.hope you do with your relationship too. My feelings of love will always be there for you. Always. Guess what I am trying to say is if you want to work on it and complete it I am willing. I also have my life to work on, goals too. I want a business and it's been a hard struggle so far, I want a house..talk to me about hard. At the moment I do them alone, but I will keep trying, and trying and trying. I will not give up since they are something I have<BR>which I have a chance on. I don't want to lose this feeling for you, and it's something<BR>I need to think about. Maybe it means nothing to you losing that love I have for you. Maybe you think its gone already. Or maybe you value it. I won't guess at your <BR>feelings since It isnt fair for me to assume. Guess I am stupid for my feelings, just the way i turned out. I have to say <BR>that I love my Dad more now than before, B and SIL are doing even better now and I think maybe Mom and Dad are helping each other out a bit more. I like me, and I have come to learn alot about me lately. <P>Take care<P>J<P>***************<BR>Gee almost sounds plan 'B' ish without the definitely separation thing.<P>See, this is me, <egg><BR>this is me in separation <scrambled egg><P>Thanks for reading<BR>J

SJ, <BR>This is purely a personal decision, but when I found out about the affair, and found out about this site, I decided to follow the MB principles to the best of my ability. And I decided to follow Dr. H Guidelines in his book, "Surviving an Affair". <BR>I just knew for me, I had to work it all out. I had to give my marriage every chance, otherwise I would have regrets. I would always wonder if I could have done anything to save it. And I took the idea of an affair takig two years to fizzle out. I guess that was the timetable I used. <BR>I found out about the affair Jan 98. We had a couple of separations and some counseling. We followed the principles in the book. He wrote the leter, we counseled with Dr. Steve by phone. I followed Plan A the best I could. I admit I LB some, I was constantly being hit with the affair ongoing and him lying to me about it. <BR>After 1 1/2 yrs, I went to Plan B... after 9 months, we divorced. I have no regrets. I am dating now, but didn't until the divorce was final. I gave him every opportunity to try to save our marriage. He choose not to. Now I choose to go on with my life. Just make sure you have your issues with your spouse worked out before you muddy the waters with another relationship. You want the next one to work!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan