Hi friends,<P>I have been out of the loop for a short while. I have been working really hard on trying to find a different job. I really need to find a different car, but this one is too "upside down" in payments to do that. I have been trying to forget the pain H gave me and move on with my own life. I still read a lot here and other books as well, but just am not sure why I am feeling the way I do today.<P>I came home from the store the other day, only had the baby with me. HEr two sisters were as a slumber party. I pull up to see H and OW just arriving to my house. I was so pleasant it made OW squirm (not to her, to H). <P>He asked if he could pick up the boxes I had packed of his dresser and his fishing pole. He appologized for the "popping over" but "we were in the area". I should mention, he and her live a good 25 minutes away. <P>I pulled in first and he pulled behind me. OW stayed in the car (which is good for her safety because I still feel like I could strangle her).<P>He came in and got some stuff. I saw him looking around, I know he felt strange. When he left sudden, he only returned here about 3 times at the most, so it must bring memories, I hope anyway. THen we went to the garage to get some stuff. OW can't see us from the garage, but he seemed to be stalling a little, not sure why, but he was. He was real friendly and all too. It almost seemed to me, like they were not getting along as well, she looked away everytime I looked at her. He then was holding the baby and I could tell he just felt strange, cause I did too. It was the 3 month anniversary since he left , I hadn't realized it til the next day. But as he was leaving, he pleasantly said, "I'll see ya Tuesday", and she glared at him. I said why. The hearing. (divorce procedures that he started). I forgot all about this. But he was pleasant. I peaked from the window. THey did not kiss when he got in, like he used to do. That was odd to me? <P>Earlier about a week ago, he told me he almost left her cause he can't stand her kid. Once in a while, he says he is changing jobs. I told him about a job I was offered, right near where he works. He said "we could car pool". I said you already carpool (he lives with OW, whom he had the affair with at work, diff company same building though). I said you already have a partner to carpool with, he said "forget it, its over your head". What did he mean? No clue? Its still over my head. <P>Last week he mentioned he would do the yardwork for me if I paid him. (he loved doing it last summer, it was a new hobby for him). I am not PAYING my own husband to do the yard work. Even if we aren't divorced by then, or we are. <P>He tried calling me all day. I can tell by caller id. He gets mad cause the voice mail is jammed up and he can't call and get me. I tell him, why did you call anyway, kids aren't here? He doesn't answer.<P>He changed his email address , don't know why. But I know OW is a snoop and a sneak. She knew where we lived and my name long before he knew of her. <P>On to me, I have been getting on a little in life. I go out with my best friend on the weekends, I never had a break for 10 years. Being 27 I want to be able to do somethings before I turn 30. I have gone on several dates, have several new male friends, many are totally just friends. Before H , I always had more male friends than female, since I had a female friend sleep with my H, back when we were in highschool and dating. From then on, never hung with many women.<P>Well, I was really falling for one in particular. Its too soon though, I know this in my heart, so I am backing off little by little so I don't hurt him. Also, its hard with me having the girls , I am really picky about who I will even see these days. But I know he has feelings for me too.<P>A lot of days I just miss my old life. Cooking my big sunday breakfast and dinner. Waking up with him in the morning. Little things. I know he treated me horrible many times. ANd the way we ended on his part with the affair and all, I wonder why I don't hate him yet. I would feel better if I hated him.<P>Well, it doesn't help that half the family tells me they wish we would get back together. The other half tells me to never take him back. ITs a pointless conversation since, its not an option, or even a thought at this point.<P>When this all happened, I felt in my heart, a year from xmas, (discovery, etc), we might make it back together.<P>The divorce he filed on me, turned me away from that thinking and pushed me to get on with life. <P>He makes plans with OW and her and my children for the summer family vacation, that he would NEVER do with me. So I know he is thinking long term here with her? I don't understand any of it. HE told me he left because he didn't know how to write a check. That was his own choice, he always told me he hated to do the bills . So did I but I did it to keep him happy.<P>Now OW writes my child support check out. It totally ticks me off.<P>SO today , and this past weekend, I have just incredible mixed feelings. I feel so hurt. And H didn't really do anything downright obvious to do this to me on this occasion, so how did I get here? <P>Those of you who talked to me last week, knew I was doing well. Why do I feel like I am slipping here? Has anyone else ever experienced this??<P>Did you give up and walk away. Get on with life, and BOOM, one day you just get confused? Deep down, I will admit, it would be nice to see the affair die a horrible painful brutal death. It would be nice if he came to his senses and actually "chose" me over her. But that will never happen. Deep down, do I wish all this would and is that my confusion? <P>I really have only seen him face to face a few times, as OW won't let him near me if she can help it, in the first month when he left, if he came around, we got very intimate and he told me he didn't want to leave. <P>OK sorry for the rambling, just needed to vent today. I have had a rough week, and I know I am fearing court tomorrow too. (preliminary conference).<P>Prayers to you all, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>You're most likely coming to terms with your court date...<BR>...I was the same way...<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

Dana,<P>It is so hard! I think Jim is right... it must have to do with getting closer to the court date. Getting closer to it being final. That has to be so hard! I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way! Take care of yourself right now ok? That is still the important thing here!<P>Woozy

Dana,<P>Just when you think the yo-yo ride has smoothed out <B>BAMM!!!</B> something sends you flying. I know this all to well. I think Jim is right, you are comming to grips with your court date and other things. Hang on it will smoothe out and you will normalise for a bit then take off again in a whirl of emotions. Feelings will pass, count on it. All I can do is try not to be miserable. The future is very bright, just you wait.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Dana,<BR>I too went through this in the past couple weeks, just when I got off my anti-deps.<P>I think you/we will be on this roller coaster ride for a long time with bigger level portions of the ride and not so many steep climbs and drops.<P>It sounds to me like you have your head on straight in regards to meeting people and taking your time with dating.<P>Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. I think thats what happened to me last weekend. I tried too hard to have fun !<P>God Bless<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Dana,<P>All I can say is "Ditto"! I feel the same way. I had 3 weeks of getting stronger and BOOM! Back to square one. (Well, probably not back THAT far, but it still hurts)<P>Hang in there! E-mail me if you need to.<P>TB