after 24 yrs of marriage to a man i knew in my heart loved me. i got a phone call from ow. she wanted hime, needed him, and would do everything in her power to have him. well i packed his bags for hime and after a week he left. he was gone 3 months (over all the holidays). he asked to come back home. my only stipulations were, no contact with ow, no more lies,(talk things out), and not to bring into our home anything she'd given him. well he broke all 3 after 1 week. after being home six weeks. i bought him another lighter (like the one he uses she gave him) and had it engraved with love. i asked him if he would throw away everything she gave him and let me replace it. he wouldn't do it and wouldn't except my lighter. he said if he decided to get rid of those things he would give them back to her as they might mean something to her. i asked didn't it mean anything to him that it upset me tat he's still hanging on to these things. did her feelings mean more than mine (no reply). i also asked hime to call her in front of me and tell her it was over and to quit calling. he wouldn't do it. he says he loves me and this is where he wants to be. but emotionally he's not here. do i give him an ultimaden or just give up and quit being a fool.<BR>

Welcome <B>emotionally dying</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>---------------------------------------------<P>About your post... questions...<P>You H is in withdrawal...<BR>...and it will take some time.<P>To give him ulimatums...is usually not a good thing...<P>Yes... at some point he will have to break it off with the other woman(OW)... it is suggested that a letter be written (both of you together... a "How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)"...<BR>...but you have to give him some for this...<BR>...much much... it varies...<P>...during that time learn about the MB concepts... start off from my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome post</A>.<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Any thoughts of counseling to get you <B>and him</B> moving toward recovery?<P>You are not alone here...<P>Jim

I am so sorry to hear your pain.<P>I agree with Jim that it is probably not a good idea to give your H ultimatums. He is having a hard time seeing what is right just now, and if you give him ultimatums he might back away because it scares him.<P>Remember--he is back with you now. That is a very important start. As hard as it is (and as much as you deserve to be loved) try not to push right now. He had feelings for the OW, but he knows he belongs with you. I bet that he will get to the point that he will be able to get rid of those trinkets she gave him and rebuild everything with you. You have to believe in him and in yourself.<P>Take a deep breath. Read the information on this site. And remember that we are here to feel sad OR HAPPY! with you!<P>Good luck!

Honey, sometimes it takes a while for them to move on, and I found with ROBERT that he did MOST of his "breaking away" when I DIDN'T ask for it!!!! Oh, well.<P>I know there are some that believe you should set limits and for us, I guess there are some. But contact is inevitable (work together) and I found that, as time went on and I just got more and more supportive, he got stronger and stronger and wasn't nearly so concerned about HER feelings. In fact, he's downright MEAN to her now. The first few weeks she was a "nice girl" who didn't deserve what was happening to her. No more!!!<P>Once things calmed down, I've followed Wassi's example and had a couple of bonfires!! (Thanks, Wassi - it's almost orgasmic and amazingly gratifying!!!!!) With HIS permission, of course! ("Honey, these joint checks REALLY bother me every time I see them and the account's closed, can I get rid of them?" "Sure, go ahead" But he laughed his butt off when I started the fire outside!!!!)<P>I really believe you get farther faster when it's THEIR decision and you just love and support. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Let them talk it out, say anything they want about OW and don't react if you can help it. Robert's been comfortable talking to me about her and so I've known what was going on. And that way, I could see when his feelings about her were changing and he was taking the actions that made ME happy. I'd show pleasure at those actions and he'd do more. I knew one day that we'd be ok when he was talking about something really nasty he said to her to make her leave him alone and when I said "Really?" he just said "Lori, your love for me is making me strong." I just bawled!!!! I believe they DO get stronger when they take the steps themselves, with our wholehearted love and support.<P>Good luck and lots of strength.<P>Lori

don't give up on yourself, give up on him. starting over is never bad. i admit now that i never thought i would have it so good. now i have it better. keep your head up and remember yourself first.

e/d,<P>Wow, your H sounds like mine has over the last 6 months, and let me tell you that they were probably the worst 6 months of my life. The rollercoaster ride from He!! is what it felt like. One minute he would be telling me that he was so glad that I was his wife and that we were together and the next he would be defending the OW and defending his right to talk to her about whatever he wanted. Her feelings and the <B>image of himself that he had created for her</B> were so much more important than I was at the time. And then one day it just ended. His attitude changed and his desire to make our relationship right became so strong. It wasn't any ultimatum that brought him to this point, I am not really sure what it was. He has told me that my love for him and my patience with him during this horrible time had a huge effect on him. He sees his future with me and our children and he now wants to do what it takes to make it better and right again.<BR>It was Plan A and time, I guess that did the trick. It's just really hard to see that it may turn out good when you are in the midst of it all.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole