Yes, I thought it was hopeless. I thought I could not recover from H inviting OW to stay with him for a week and meet his side of the family, etc. I thought this disrespect to me and our sons was the last straw. So I filed.<P>Then, after filing, I realized what a final step that would be. I realized that our sons would never have a healthy relationship with their father. I realized I didn't want to throw 23 years of a good marriage away.<P>BUT I DIDN"T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO CHANGE THINGS. I always thought we had a strong marriage--high school sweethearts--first love and only love. I always flipped over articles on how to improve your marriage--we didn't need any advice, we loved each other.<P>I thought the distancing was just another phase of the marriage--that it would improve once the children were gone--I could wait it out, even though a lot of my needs were going unmet. A lot of H's needs were obvioulsy going unmet, too. I didn't realize he was unwilling to wait it out. He found someone on the internet to fulfill some of those needs.<P>BY GOD'S GRACE, then I found this site. Most who helped me here don't post anymore, or at least not regularly. But all gave me courage, hope, suggestions on how to fight for my husband, my family, and my marriage. Patience is the hardest thing to have when it seems like the affair will never end. But the support here helped me develop that patience.<P>WE are now 8 months into recovery (after H's year long affair). I thought I was in the deepest abyss of my life and would never be happy again. <P>I am happy. My H is happy. Our sons are happy (or as happy as teenagers can manage )<P>It has been HARD work for both me and my H. But it has been worth it. I can't believe what we both almost threw away.<P>Familiarity does breed contempt--wives and husband must guard against this. Treat each other with respect. MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER!!! (I was so guilty of violating this one). Be honest with each other--if you can't trust your thoughts and feelings to the one you pledged your heart and soul to, then something is terribly wrong--do something about it-- seek counseling. Don't discount the others ideas.<P>These are basically Harley's four gifts of love as I understand them. They do work.<P>In addition, process the anger. Don't deny it, process it. Grieve your losses. And then move on. <P>Lastly, what helped me the most, and still does, is to pray.<P>Just thought this might give some of you encouragement. You can come back from the brink of divorce.<P>

Sherrilynn,<P>Thanks for giving us hope... <P>Did the divorce complete? follow thorugh with it? was it stopped?<P>Did you remarry?<P>My W filed for divorce... but thank God is dragging her feet on it! I too am trying to stop/slow it down.<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 03, 1999).]

Sherrilynn:<P>This regular is feeling older and older when you "oldsters" come back to post... <P>Congratulations, and God Bless you and your family!!!

After reading your post I just balled. My emotions are so frayed these days. I'm so very happy things worked out for you....it really gives me great hope for my future! I can't thank you enough for sharing!!

Thanks Sherrilynn!!<P>I pray that it works out soon for my W and I. The pain is really hard now that I am becoming resentful. I suspect she has felt this way from the very beginning because of my approach to her. It wasn't that I was neglecting her. It was that I was neglecting her at the times that she wanted me to be attentive because of priorities which couldn't be changed. I only hope that she will be able to see that I have always loved her but was unable to do all the things in the grand fashion she thought we ought to.<P>Thansk again for the ray of hope!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

NSR,<P>No, I didn't follow through on the divorce. One reason I filed was that I thought it would help him come to his senses--it didn't. He was very indifferent about it. He didn't push for a divorce, but he didn't beg me not to do it or end the affair either.<P> I didn't find this site until after I took that action. Then I learned from reading Harley's work and others that affairs seldom work out permanently and that they have a definant "self life." I knew nothing about the subject of affairs. I just assumed that they killed a marriage and that's why most people divorced. I didn't know about the addictive, fantasy element to it.<P>So once I learned that this could run its course in 6 to 12 months, I thought I could give it that much time.<P>If your wife is dragging her feet, I think that's a good sign. Stay the course as long as you can--it is worth it!<P>K,<P>Just a thank you again. You helped me keep my head on straight more than once. Hope things are going well for you and your family. That's such a nice word "family." It's worth all the effort!<P>BD's Wife,<P>I don't know your story, but remember there is always hope. I truly felt hopeless this time last year. I never would have dreamed I could be this happy again. You will be too.<P>professorg,<P>It's strange how you think you are showing your spouse love and they don't see it that way. Read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. I thought all my "Acts of Service" I did for my H should have proved my love for him. "Words of Affirmation" turned out to be his primary love language. I thought what I did for him showed him I valued him--no, he needed to "hear" it. Married 23 years and we had it all wrong. He didn't realize how much I needed to be touched, such as holding my hand or putting his arm around me. He listed this last as my love language when I listed it first.<P>We can learn to do it right this time. I hope your wife gives you the chance. Hang in there!

To the top for GENIE.

Sherrilynne-<P>We did it, didn't we? I know what you mean about my story not soundinga s if it would turn out this way, I felt the same way many times even though I didn't want to admit it.<P>So many times people would say look at what he has done and said, he is not worth it ect ect ect... but still my love I had for him kept me from really believing that. It just didn't feel right. I knew this man and I knew that he was acting totally out of character but nobody else could really appreciate that the way I did because they knew nothing of him except when he was in this sick stage of an affair.<P>I am very happy for you, for us both. A year from now alot of these people who are in the same agonizing pain we were in a year ago will be singing the praises we are now, praise God!!<P>Things still come up for me too but like you not as often. The holidays for me are good and bad.<P>Good in that I am really looking forward to being a family this X-mas instead of a basketcase like I was last year.<P>Bad in that last years memories come back and so does the pain I felt and that does put a dark cloud over my head but I am tryhing hard to ignore that so that this year is not overshadowed by last year.<P>Loosing the joy of christmas last year to that, what did we call the OW back then??... Slugs... was bad enough but I will not let this year be ruined for any of us!!!!<P>Merry Christmas to you and yours,<BR>Genie

Thank you ladies very much for injecting a much needed dose of actual recovery here.<P>I will sleep better tonight knowing I can perservier.<P>Thank you again,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Sherrilynn (& you too Genie). It’s so easy to get disillusioned sometimes. Seeing posts like yours really helps. But I’m where you were. Will it ever end? It is very difficult to believe it will, but it happens almost all the time. I just pray I’m one of the “almost” all the times.<P>Keep on keepin’ on you two (& your H’s too!)<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sherri, so glad to hear from you !<P>I think there are plenty of succes stories in this board, it's just that sometimes we're not here as much, as time passes.<BR>Thanks for posting, there are many new people here that need us to show them it can be done.<P><BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Sherrilynn,<BR>Well, girl friend, you are talking like me now!!!!! Isn't it great? Don't you just Love that warm feeling? Who says we are getting old,,, over the hill,,, lost that loving feeling? NOT US!!!! AND,,, Not our Husbands. Bad Brain Periods can heal!!!!<BR>Glad to hear such positive words, I always told you TIME. It's soooo hard to wait..... But it is GREAT when you get here!<BR>Keep posting to those who are getting there too. It's a good feeling for those of us that can crow a little, teach a little and give a lot of hope. They may not hear you at first, but SOMEDAY, by the words they say, you know that you did help them. <BR>We are in our 22nd month of recovery now, I can tell you that it will only get even better! What a blessed Christmas we will all have. <BR>I stop by here every once in a while, I'm glad I stopped by tonight. <BR>Merry Christmas!<P>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

Sherrilynn, Genie29,<P>It really is refreshing to hear success stories like yours, particularly as the affairs lasted for so long.<P>I often wonder how you cope lasting the distance, as each day since discovery for me is the longest year of my life (now 3 months). <P>Don't you tend to lose some respect for your S after such a long period of time? I feel like I have. It's almost like a period of disentanglement where you tend to forget how close you ever were with your S, even when that time was less than 12 months ago.<P>Were you both separated for some time from your spouses?<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Sherrilyn,<BR>So glad to see your update. I remember your story very well from last winter, spring. I'm happy you are doing so well.<P>If you've got the time, stop by my thread "we're not getting a divorce", I'd love some input from you as he's already changing his mind...<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

WilliamJ--yes, you can persevere. Just when I thought I couldn't, God provided something, someone who said exactly what I needed to hear/see at the time.<P>Chris--as I was told many times, everything comes to an end--your emotional turmoil will, too.<P>Kat & Almost Happy--hello ladies and fellow survivors! You both helped me stay the course and look where I am now . It helps so much to hear the words of experience. Thank you!<P>Fairenough--3 months after discovery--that's exactly where I was this time last year. I do believe the affair has to run its course--that was so hard for me to accept and understand. But as Kat told me it's better if they end it on their own--then you don't have to go through the resentment of your "making them give up the OP" or withdrawal--I don't think I could have stood that--pining away for the OW.<P>I always respected my H, not his choices. They truly do have "a bad brain period" as Almost Happy puts it--temp. insanity, living in a fantasy, addicted to the affair. You cannot judge them in this state. They are not the same person.<P>We were separated for a year. I do believe the shelf-life of 6 months after discovery is about right. Keep doing the right things and just be prepared for at least 3 more months of waiting.<P>Lor--wrote to you on your thread. Two steps forward, one step back--that dance does get old after a while.<p>[This message has been edited by Sherrilynn (edited December 07, 1999).]