It's been just over four months since my wife revealed that "something was wrong". Here's how the rollercoaster has looked:<BR>(w)=wife; (s)=sam (me)<P>nov 17: w- I'm not sexually attracted to you.<BR>nov 19: w- gives long list of my wrongs <BR>says get a traditional job<BR>nov 20: s- vows say richer or poorer<BR>s- let's redo vows<BR>w- excited, says OK, make love<BR>nov 21: w- backs out on re-doing vows,<BR>say "can't we keep going like we<BR>are"?<BR>nov 24: w- I feel nothing for you or anyone<BR>nov 27: w- fills out EN questionnaire,<BR>says she's able to have sex with<BR>many men and feel nothing<BR>dec 14: w,s- we see counselor. Wife cares for<BR>me but not "In Love", tells<BR>counselor no other man, says I'm<BR>no fun<BR>dec 18: w- we're over as a couple<BR>s- how, we don't fight, have always<BR>been great, have four kids, etc.<BR>There must be someone else.<BR>w- finally, crying on the floor, says<BR>"yes, there's another man". Claims<BR>EA only - mostly phone, 3 lunches.<BR>w- says she'll stop, but likes it,<BR>says she loves me, makes love<BR>dec 21: w- from counselor, mad. Says Om has<BR>nothing to do with anything, we're<BR>over, but will go on planned<BR>vacation.<BR>dec 28 w- on 8 day vacation w/family. Says<BR>I love you, I'm not going <BR>anywhere, will break it off. Lots<BR>of fun, compassion, affection, sex<BR>jan 4 w,s- both see counselor separately <BR>day after vacation. Counselor<BR>says prognosis is great based on<BR>these "post-vacation" sessions.<BR>jan 9 w,s- see counselor as a couple. wife<BR>mean again, asks counselor if <BR>we can meet separately from now<BR>on. Says no love, but can have<BR>fun with me.<BR>jan 14 w- says counselor says to tell me <BR>that it's still on with OM. <BR>jan 15 w- crys in bed in morning, says she's<BR>sorry, an evil person. will stop<BR>EA.<BR>w- angry again in afternoon at me.<BR>says wants to leave me, hurts too<BR>much from the past. here for the<BR>kids only. Finally says again<BR>she'll stop EA, and we'll move<BR>forward.<BR>jan 19 w- became more distant, angry all <BR>week. Took wedding ring off.<BR>jan 22 w- call from bus. trip, asks me to<BR>move out. Very angry.<BR>jan 24 w- yells she's always wanted to <BR>leave me, never loved me in all<BR>8 years, was stupid to have <BR>married me and had four kids.<BR>jan 25 w- talks to a good friend. Comes<BR>home, asks me if I'll change back<BR>after two years (from Plan A ways)<BR>- I say no. We make love. She's<BR>staying again, all is well.<BR>Feb 3 w,s- we see OM out in public together<BR>I know him, he says hello and<BR>chats. I'm a gentleman. Wife<BR>Om, and I all get nervous.<BR>After, wife says she's leaving<BR>again as soon as she can.<BR>feb 4 w,s- wife comes home sad. Says OM<BR>freaked out by chance meeting.<BR>Says they called it all off.<BR>She makes love with me.<BR>feb 5 w,s- we go dancing. Wife says she<BR>loves me, but has desires to <BR>sleep with OM. I must leave her<BR>before she acts on it. Says she<BR>wants to do it and have me there<BR>when she returns. We make love.<BR>feb 6 w- says she's getting old, too many<BR>kids, needs to get away from it<BR>all. more sex. very distant from<BR>family. Kids see her maybe once<BR>each week only (late nights work).<BR>feb7-10 w- lots of calls to me at work, lots<BR>of kissing, hugging in bed, lots<BR>of withdrawal talking.<BR>feb 11 w- gets early flowers from me at work<BR>for valentines day. Gets really<BR>angry. Comes home, says no more<BR>sex ever, is leaving me as soon as<BR>I get the new job. <BR>feb 12 w- leaves for bus trip. Holds my <BR>hand in car passionately, kisses<BR>me.<BR>feb 18 w,s- we go dancing at her request. <BR>sex prior to dancing. Great <BR>time.<BR>feb 19 w- two weeks since seeing kids. We go<BR>dancing again. sex again.<BR>feb 20 w- talks about withdrawals, sad brain<BR>misses OM. Says she now trusts<BR>me again. Almost says she loves<BR>me, but stops.<BR>s- almost three months of perfect <BR>Plan A. Only one very minor LB.<BR>feb 25 w,s - we go away with friends for<BR>weekend. great trip, great<BR>affection and fun, great sex.<BR>wife very compassionate and<BR>almost normal following trip.<BR>feb 26 s- I'm asked to go to wifes work to<BR>help an associate. She knows, but<BR>freaks with I get there. I'm in<BR>her space - she's villified me to<BR>co-workers for past 3 months, <BR>doesn't know how to get out of it.<BR>mar 3 w- says I must take new job for me,<BR>not because she asked for it. <BR>Says she's leaving me no matter <BR>what, doesn't love me.<BR>mar 4 w- says maybe she won't leave, lots<BR>of holding, cuddling. sex.<BR>mar 5 w- talked a lot about our future.<BR>mar 6 w- angry again for nothing. see <BR>family friend again until midnight<BR>comes home with lots of kisses.<BR>mar 7 w- says she is not going anywhere,<BR>that I should take new job for<BR>"us" as a couple. She's very <BR>loving, affectionate, intimate.<BR>mar 9 w- extremely distant, glassy eyes,<BR>sad. Unpredictable anger.<BR>mar 10 s- called to help at her job again.<BR>She's distant, and rude there, not<BR>acknowledging me as her husband. <BR>Our kids are there with me, and <BR>her co-workers see them happy all<BR>over me. Wife not thrilled about<BR>this.<P>w,s- we go dancing again at her<BR>request. She gets really drunk<BR>and then really sick in the <BR>club. Tells me during the<BR>sickness that I must leave her<BR>because she actually slept with<BR>the OM in Dec. Then, 15 minutes<BR>later she says she didn't sleep<BR>with him, but said so because<BR>I had always said I'd leave her<BR>if she slept with anyone. She<BR>said she loves me and never <BR>wants to be without me.<BR>mar 11 w- says she must live alone, has<BR>to go. Then, 20 minutes later<BR>said we're staying together as<BR>a couple, that she won't change<BR>her mind again. Did say she was<BR>scared she might not be happy.<BR>Said she'd have no contact w/OM<BR>and would tell co-workers we're<BR>reconciling, and she called <BR>to re-start with counselor. sex<BR>mar 18 w- again said she was leaving, and<BR>didn't want to work on the<BR>marriage. Three hour discussion.<BR>Peaceful, but hurtful. Said she<BR>gave heart to OM, but didn't love<BR>him. Said he didn't know this.<BR>Then, in the end, again said we<BR>are and must stay together. Sex.<BR>mar 24 w,s- we go away as a couple for the<BR>weekend.<BR>w- says upon reaching destination <BR>that she doesn't love me, that<BR>I must let her go, that she's <BR>trapped. Lots of tears and clear<BR>stress, depression. Again says<BR>OM has nothing to do with<BR>anything, and that she doesn't <BR>talk to him. Says I can never <BR>kiss her again, and no more sex<BR>ever.<BR>s- I listen, try to get to the "why"<BR>in her change. Then carefully,<BR>and lovingly lay out the reasons<BR>to stay together, but tell her<BR>that she's always been free to<BR>go, that I can't and won't stop<BR>her. All very peacfully.<BR>w- later that night, she cooks for<BR>me, the first time in 4 months.<BR>We're alone, she kisses me <BR>passionately and says how nice it<BR>is to be with me alone, no kids.<BR>We watch tv, a movie, and end up<BR>making really wild passionate <BR>love on the sofa, floor, and then<BR>bed.<BR>mar 25 w- at breakfast wife says it's <BR>"easier" if we stay together.<BR>We have a great day shopping to<BR>remodel the house. Lots of other<BR>couple activity. <BR>w- cooks again, and again very <BR>passionate and sexual.<BR>mar 26 s- in the morning, I flat out asked<BR>where we were after that sceen<BR>on Friday, followed by all the <BR>loving attention/sex/talk of <BR>future/remodeling, etc. She said<BR>we're staying together as a <BR>family, and that this time is the<BR>charm - she won't change her mind<BR>again.<BR>I suggested she allow me and the<BR>counselor to help her with no<BR>contact. She flat out refused,<BR>saying I must trust her. I said<BR>I trusted you all the other times<BR>She laughed, said that she knows,<BR>but this time's for real and that<BR>she must do it on her own.<P>w- once at home, she goes into deep<BR>depression/stress at the sight of<BR>our four kids, our nanny's three<BR>kids, the dog, and the nanny <BR>having not replaced much of the<BR>groceries. She gets really down,<BR>and mad, but stays very attached<BR>to me.<P>Sorry for the length. It's a true roller-<BR>coaster. Today, she's great with me, and<BR>we even car pooled to work for the first time<BR>since all this started 4 months ago. She<BR>sees the counselor for the first time<BR>tomorrow since mid-Jan.<P>Any thoughts?<P>SamH<P><BR>

SamH,<P>This probably isn't much comfort to you but your wife is most likely riding that same rollercoaster. Her feelings keep changing, she's confused and can't make any sense of it herself. I can relate to her feelings of confusion, of not knowing what she wants from one minute to the next. I have been putting my H through some similar ups and downs, thought not quite to the same extreme. I think we're starting to make some progress, although the road is a bumpy (and painful) one. I don't really know what advice I can give you other than to continue counseling and talk with her as much as she will let you. Try to maintain an equilibrium through all the ups and downs yourself. When she says things like she's not going anywhere, enjoy it, but remind yourself that her feelings may change. When she says she's going to leave, remind yourslef that her feelings may change. She will be very inconsistent until she figures herself out.

Sam,<BR>It sounds like withdrawal to me.<P>Keep on Plan Aing and avoid those lovebusters.<P>Does she work with om ? How can you break her contact with him if you can ? Maybe an accidental contact with him(and I don't mean with your car) will further scare him away. Just don't let your w know that you were trying to scare him off.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Sam,<BR>Wow! This sounds like the story of my life for the past 9 months. The only difference is my H lives with the OW. I filed for divorce last week...just couldn't take the rollercoaster ride anymore. Sounds like things might work out for you two, though. Hang in there. Good Luck!<P>Darlene<BR>

RWD,<BR>No he doesn't work in the same office. She's a buyer, he's a sales rep that has to call for reorders every so often, and has to come by the office every so often to sell new things. On top of all that, they have a mutual conference once a year far away. That comes up in about 6 months. She says she'll give his accounts to one of her workers. But I fear that he still calls her at work occassionally. She thinks nothing of it because there's been no sexual contact, but she's agreed (about 5 times now) to stop the contact as best she can.<P>SamH