Hi Guys,<P>I'm still here - just.<P>Again, still not sure how I feel about this.<BR>It will be wonderful for the children to have their father close by. They adore him, and he adores them.<BR>But, does he still adore me? Did he ever adore me? Does he want to adore me? Rhetorical questions, no answers needed.<P>He says he'll be here by the end of April, 4 weeks away. Sooner, if they replace him in his current job. It also looks as if his court case with his old job (the one he got fired from, wrongfully) will be settled out of court by the time he arrives here.<BR>He has definitely ended it with OW#1, and there is no other OW#2. His emphatically stated fact!!!<BR>So, he gets a fresh, new start at life. What do I get.? Lots and lots of inner turmoil.<BR>Again.<P>I have just really got my teeth back into studying, completing assignments etc, and I can't afford to take my mind off that. Yesterday, I felt that I was so depressed that I would go back on meds. I have not been on them for this infidelity business, however, I was on them for various reasons last year. Only short term. I was also going to quit Uni yesterday.. And I love my school work.<BR>But then I thought, ''NO'' <BR>I have worked too hard and for too long to get this far, I'm not going to let him distract me from that. <P>I am in Plan B, and doing really well. I don't ring him, no contact at all from me.<P>He phd and left a message this morning asking when the rental real estate 'bits' come out in the paper. Over here, we have certain days for certain things. IE, Mondays for real estate, Tues for computer, Wed for tourism/holidays etc etc. So, he wants help finding a place. He could always ring the paper to find out. There are stores down south that sell the papers from up here. But he calls me, to sort out his life, yet again.<BR>I got a card from him on Frid, which said the following<P>"Just wanted to thankyou for Sunday. I'm glad that you were there for me. It meant a lot. I really didn't know which way to turn. You managed to get me through it. Whatever 'it' is. Things have become clearer in recent days and although there is still a fair way to go I certainly feel as though I've started to climb from the deep dark pit of dispair.<BR>Your/our relationship is extremely important to me and I hope that I can give in return as much as you have.<BR>Thank you<BR>Love H xoxoxo""<P>Sunday was the day he phd in such a state. I have never heard anyone cry like he cried. He didn't really say anything, but maybe that was the point he hit rock bottom. I'm not sure what happened that day, to bring it on. I just listened, and was there for him. I did tell him that day that I still loved him. I have not said that for about 4-5 months now.<BR>So, what do you all think of that.?<P>I know I probably sound a bit grumpy and cranky today, I guess I just want some stability and normalcy back in my life. I'm so, so so tired of this treadmill.<P>I went to the gym today, and did a pump class. Used to do it all the time, and it felt so good to be back. Like my little life was getting back to normal. But I can see it being turned upside down again, when he is here and in my face.<P>I'm so confused about all this. I haven't even begun to try and sort out what I want. I think that for so long I just heard that he was not coming back and didn't want me or our marrige, that I accepted it a long time ago. Now, I don't know what I want.<P>Yes, I want a beautiful loving relationship, one with my best friend. One in which trust is not an issue. It never was before. But can I have that with him again? Do I want that with him again.? These never ending questions - I think I'm going to go live in Alaska, and be friends with the bears!!!!!!!!<P>You guys are amazing. Thanks for being here for me.<P>I haven't been on much lately due to studying and the fact that I can only get on when the children are not here or asleep!!!<P>please dont' think that I don't care about you all, I do. I think of you all, and what you're all going through, quite often.<P>big hugs for everyone. I'm in a sooky huggy teary kind of mood today. Oh well, I'll go and do the grocery shopping when baby wakes up. The only kind of retail therapy I get these days.<P>hugs to all<P>Jo

Hi Bonnet,<P>just wanted to tell you that I understand a little where you are coming from. I don't know if I want my marriage anymore either. There has been too much pain caused to me and my girls and there doesn't seem to be an end in site. I can tell you this, I would kill to have my wife tell me she was having a change of heart, you know why? Because then it would be MY decision whether to go forward or not!! Unfortunately, I can't see that ever happening. She is dead set to divorce me. She is so "in love" with the OM. At least in your situation, you have some control. I have none of that and I'm jealous!!!! <P>Good luck what ever happens and concentrate on your school work. I dropped out of college because of this mess. I hope to go back someday, but it really pisses me off that I was 9 credits short of my BS when I had to drop. Don't let your S do that to you!!<P>Brent

Hi Jo,<P>Glad to see you're still around!<P>Boy, what they won't do to confuse us even more! <BR>You need to take these next 4 weeks to think about what YOU want. Whether you would welcome a relationship with him again or if it's too late.<P>Don't quit school!! It's something you really want and you need to do that to make you feel better. <P>You take care,<BR>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Just be careful not to get into playing games. It is easy, and so tempting to do.<P>I have read some of your other posts. I think (just from little, little that I have read), you do want your h back. Certainly for your baby and kids it would be best. I just have a sense you are not really as confused about your joy that he is moving to be close to his family. I sense (could be wrong) you feel justified in making him sweat. Who would not feel that way? It was not you who left everyone hanging.<P>But now is a critical time. The path diverges. Don't go toward revenge and vengence (?) .<BR>In other plain language, do not burn the barn down because the horse ran away! You may tell the horse, tough luck, your barn is gone, go stand in the rain. But aren't you really glad the horse came back? Need to fix that broken fence, but wow he is back! (Prodical son story in other words). <P>I will say a pray for your family. If anything I have said offends you, please accept my apologies. I am not fully informed as you are, you must decide what is right for you and your family. Take care.<P>Victoria<P>P.S. You have mentioned how hard it will be to "have him in my face". Could you think of a positive picture of 'having him help with the kids, so I may study'? Maybe instead of "in your face" he could be by your side, with his arm around you, supporting you. It does not mean you have to give up the path you are on. It might even make the path feel smoother. You can have both. With a very delicate handling of his transition onto your path, by your side as you go along.

Just be careful not to get into playing games. It is easy, and so tempting to do.<P>I have read some of your other posts. I think (just from little, little that I have read), you do want your h back. Certainly for your baby and kids it would be best. I just have a sense you are not really as confused about your joy that he is moving to be close to his family. I sense (could be wrong) you feel justified in making him sweat. Who would not feel that way? It was not you who left everyone hanging.<P>But now is a critical time. The path diverges. Don't go toward revenge and vengence (?) .<BR>In other plain language, do not burn the barn down because the horse ran away! You may tell the horse, tough luck, your barn is gone, go stand in the rain. But aren't you really glad the horse came back? Need to fix that broken fence, but wow he is back! (Prodical son story in other words). <P>I will say a pray for your family. If anything I have said offends you, please accept my apologies. I am not fully informed as you are, you must decide what is right for you and your family. Take care.<P>Victoria<P>P.S. You have mentioned how hard it will be to "have him in my face". Could you think of a positive picture of 'having him help with the kids, so I may study'? Maybe instead of "in your face" he could be by your side, with his arm around you, supporting you. It does not mean you have to give up the path you are on. It might even make the path feel smoother. You can have both. With a very delicate handling of his transition onto your path, by your side as you go along.

Ok, here is something a friend shared with me. I thought it said a lot and I don't know if it pertains to your situation. I almost wonder if your husband is waiting to see if you would take him back. I am guessing he doesn't feel like he actually has the right to ask if he can come back after what he has done. I found this to be true with my h. I know you probably read the post where I finally came out and said to my husband this: "Do you know that I would take you back if you wanted to come back?" Well, that was a big thing for me to say and I honestly didn't know how he would respond to it. BUT, it obviously was what he was wanting to hear because here it is a week later and all this last week we have been talking about him moving back home. Of course, you have to be decided on whether or not you actually want him back. If I were you, I would keep doing the things you are doing, going to school and all that. Keep bettering yourself! That is what I have been doing. I just got a full-time job that pays really good. I am getting on with my life. I think it really surprised my husband that I could get along without him. I think this is what you are doing to your husband right now! Anyway, I will share with you what my friend shared with me...<P>1) If someone has left, go after them. Tell them you love them.<P>2) Don't give up! If you can't go after them, wait patiently upon the Lord.<BR>Prepare the way for when they do come home. (Wait for God's timing and NEVER<BR>give up HOPE!)<P>3)Give your anxiety over to God! Psalams 37:5-8<BR>-Commit your way unto the Lord. Roll the burden onto his shoulders and<BR>DON'T take it back!<BR>-Rest in the Lord. Relax and wait patiently!<BR>-Cease from anger. They won't come back if they see you are angry with them.<BR>Show love. Smile!<BR>4) Don't forget to pray! Phil. 4:7<BR>-You need your heart and mind to relax and rest. Peace will come from God.<BR>Peace amidst the storm.<BR>-Pray-for the prodigal (Your Husband) -for yourself<BR> -for family members in the home<BR> -for a hedge of protection around the prodigal (your husband)<BR> *Satan will try to convince you that prayer doesn't work.<BR>(Example: "See how God didn't answer this and this, etc.) He is the<BR>master "Deceiver"! Don't let him rob you of Prayer or your joy in positive<BR>responses from husband. He tries hardest to tear down those who believe in<BR>the Lord.<BR>This of the words to the song "What a Friend We Have In Jesus"...<P>What a Friend We Have In Jesus<BR>All our sins and griefs to bare<BR>What a privilege to carry<BR>Everything to God in prayer.<BR>Oh what Peace we often forfeit<BR>Oh what needless pain we bear<BR>All because we do not carry<BR>Everything to God in prayer.<P>5)NEVER give up hope! It is something you have- not something you do!<BR>Remember...wait...& HOPE! NEVER give up! Be survivors of the a prodigal<BR>situation! Anchoring your heart close to God!<P>I hope this makes sense to you! It gave me a lot to think about! I think our wayward spouses need to be reassured that they are worthy of our love. It is funny because looking back over the last month and a half that my h has lived with the ow, everytime he came to see me and the boys, he did something nice for me. Baked me cheese cake, made me lasagna, brought me a cd, hugged me, made me feel more loved by his actions. He was filling up my love bank! Dang... He did a darned good job of it too!<P>Jo, I guess you need to decide what you really want out of life. If you want you h, you better just go after him! I think it is huge that he is choosing to move back to be near his family. You just watch, he will say he is coming to see the kids and he will spend most of his time around you! That is what my husband did. I even teased him about me getting visitation with him!<P>I know you have lots to think about! Just go with what is in your heart! Take care of yourself and go out and get yourself some of those bath bombs and have a relaxing bath! Melt the stress away! <P>Woozy<BR>

Hi guys,<P>thanks for replying. As usual, as soon as I jump on the computer, one of the children find me, or wake up. Baby did, about 20 mins after I got on this afternoon.!!<P>I also have a friend coming over tonight for coffee, so again I can't stay long. This is the pits, I need to spend some time with you guys.... My life seems to be falling off the rails again, I haven't had you guys to keep me on the straight and narrow!!!!<P>Brent - thanks for that. It's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this. It's a huge bummer about your degree, I know that if I quit now, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Can you pick up where you left off? Or maybe start another degree and get credits for the subjects you have completed. That's what we can do here, but you don't always get credits for every single subject you have done.<BR>My H hasn't actually said that he wants to reconcile, but he has been skirting around issues lately, and 'half' saying things, or being cryptic. Driving me nuts, in other words. But I think you're right, about the ball being in my court, and me being able to make some decisions now about whether to go forward or not. I will take my time with those, and not rush into anything. If there is one thing I have learnt from being here, it is to be patient. I hope your situation improves. My H also told me he wanted to marry OW #1 (fruitloop that she is... blows my mind), she met his parents, the whole kit and caboodle...... <BR>Don't give up hope, if that is what YOU want. If that is what you feel in your heart. We can't divorce over here until 12 months has lapsed. I have had times where I would have moved to the States just so I could divorce the scoundrel, quickly...<BR>Ah, who knows, I sure don't.<BR>Take care of you, and a big hug for you. I'm thinking of you, and saying a prayer for you.<P><BR>Victoria in Texas - thank you. Nothing you said offended me at all, you're quite right in what you say. Some of my previous posts would have reflected that I love him with all my heart, and others would have left you thinking that I hate the man, despise him and never want to see his face again. The many emotions of infidelity I guess!!!<BR>The one thing that I definitely don't want to do is play games. That has never been my nature, and while I'll admit to a certain amount of fantasy where that is concerned, I wouldn't carry it out. I have too much respect for myself, and my children, to put us all through that. It is a justified comment tho, as I'm sure all of us have had those thoughts. IE, have our wayward S's begging to return, letting them think they can, and then kicking them in the goolies!!!<BR>But, not only do I not play games, I'm not violent!!!!!! Especially towards those that I love/have loved!!!!!<BR>I do need to do some serious soul searching, but I have a feeling I know the answers. I just need to be sure. I have huge doubts about his communication abilities, and the fact that he is the BIGGEST conflict avoider. I am having trouble seeing a future if he doesn't see that he has a problem in those areas, or won't work on them. A bit presumptious I know, even thinking that. He hasn't even said he wants to reconcile.........<P>Thanks again Victoria, and don't worry about offending. I take everything everyone says the way it is meant. And it is meant with love and friendship in mind. And caring for me. Thank you for that, and taking the time with me. I hope we talk again.<P>Woozy - thanks for that. It's beautiful. I will print it off, and read it again.<BR>I am so glad to read about you and your H, another seemingly happy ending. Yaaaaayyyyyy.<BR>You're probably right about him thinking he doesn't have the right to ask to come back. But I also am not ready to tell him that he can. I was thinking about him today, (as I do) and I thought it will be lovely to have him here, and maybe spend some time with just him. Have the girls babysat, and just spend time with him. As you would know, I have said all along that all we needed was time together. Maybe this is the opportunity to do that.<BR>Love and hugs to you, and keep smiling.<BR>love Jo<P><BR>Mitzi - thanks. I'm not going to quit school, it means to much to me. Those bath bombs will be on their way to you shortly, I got a bit held up today.<P><BR>Have to rush, my friend is here.<P>Thinking of you all, and praying for us all.<P>love Jo<BR>

ohhh, I'm in a rush, but I'll be back!<P>Hang in there, Hon.<P>Lori

Hey Jo!!<BR>What is going on with you? are the plans still on? <P>What's going on in your head?<P>Been thinking of you and haven't seen you post in a while!<P>Hope all is well!<P>Cat

Bonnet, how long have you been in plan B? when did this start for you??<P>This really gives you some things to think about. It really is a starting place.<P>What I picked up on was what he said in his card. About helping him through "it" That he is coming out of the pits of despair. <P>It's like he is realizing the fantasy is over and reality is setting in. <P>I am not nearly where you are. My H moved out 7 weeks ago. He is involved in an EA with a close co-worker. Sort of a "higher connection" thing. But he has made his confusion clear to me. He really seems to have lost his connection to me and the kids in this fantasy. I do think he is in the pit of despair and knows it, but can't get out yet.<P>To me it seems like your H is reaching out. It is a place to start. He may just now be realizing what's happened. <P>I noticed the part about his losing his job. It's interesting to note that in a lot of these addiction affairs there is some event like that (job loss, loss of self esteem) that seems to precipitate it.<P>It is also true in my H's case. (Job stress). I have been reading a book called "I don't want to talk about it" It is about male depression. THere is a great chapter about addiction related to depression. He describes the feeling you get when you are addicted to a person, job, exercise, drugs etc. Of course I paid attention to the addiction to a person part!!!<P><BR>ANyway, take it slowly......Use this time to talk talk talk....honestly. And keep taking care of yourself and the children (it seems like you've done a good job at that already)