Hi Everyone,<P>I was just thinking, sometimes I think too much. And I wanted to write out my thoughts in a "fake" letter to my OM. I would never send it, it's just me sorting through things.<P>"I've been thinking and I just wanted to tell you that things have been really good at home. I feel the cloud of withdrawal is finally starting to lift. I still think of you but the hold you had on my feelings and emotions is not as strong and I'm grateful for that.<P>I was so blinded by the passion and intensity of our relationship when I told you months ago that I'd leave my husband and sacrafice everything for you that I lost sight of doing the right thing. Like I always told you before I never wanted "us" unless we were both separated, I never wanted to be homewrecker, I wanted to to both try, seek counseling, and then if truly our marriages were too bad to stay in, if we were really meant to be we'd be together someday. I always had the tremendous guilt of your son, I never wanted to hurt him, a never wanted to take his daddy away. I always told you to try for him. You always told me that you couldn't stay JUST for him, in fact you always said, up until I changed my mind, that you didn't have that much guilt. You always insisted that your wife could never make you happy, she'd never change, you were miserable and couldn't be yourself with her, you could never stay just for your son. That us leaving our marraiges was justified because we've both tried enough, and the we found eachother because our marriages were so bad and it would just make it easier to be together while the divorce process went on. That if we waited until after we divorced to be together, that our timing would be off and we might never happen and we had found a once-in-a-lifetime love that we could no longer deny. <P>I have so much resentment at times towards myself, you, everything. I feel like the biggest fool in the world for allowing myself to be so vunerable and open. I always knew what the right thing was from the beginning but I wasn't strong enough to hold onto my values and morales. I gave in to your temptation and your empty promises of a fairytale future. You knew exactly how to play me, and I guess I have no one to blame but myself. <P>I always thought that you would forever be special in my heart because of what we went through but I've realized that this is just another way of me justifying the entire affair. You would like to always have a special place in my heart, you want me to love you forever, be the man of dreams for the rest of my life. Just me writing this now, is making me sick. <P>In a way I'm thankful that you changed your mind because this way I have finally seen the truth about you as well as I've finally come back to my senses that we were a HUGE mistake and I was right from the beginning that unless we both decided that marriages have failed, we could never be together. I wish to God that I would of woken up the problems in my marriage instead of using this affair as my escape. I wish I would looked within myself to fill the void I have in my life instead of looking to you.<P>A realize now that the affair was me attempting to rekindle those beginning stage of passion/romance/emotional feelings you have. I was very naive about love and although I have much more to learn, I understand now that it would of faded with you as well. I saw all the good wonderful qualities in you and kept highlighting my husband's faults. I put you on this high pedestal and your finally coming off. You have faults as well and you are certainly far from the prince charming I made you out to be. <P>I realize now that I deserve better than you, I deserve I man who will stand by my side, be faithful to me, and love me unconditionally and that man is my husband. And my husband deserves my undivided attention, he deserves all the love I have to give, he deserves everything my heart has to give and my heart has no room for anyone else except for him. He deserves so much that I feel I could spend a lifetime of trying to fill his world with happiness and it wouldn't be enough.<P>And another thing about how you used to always tell me that "we were meant to be and soulmates", well determine what's meant to be, the power is in our hands, we have the power to determine our fate and destiny and there is no way we are soulmates. Your soulmate is the person who YOU decide to love, who You chose to be spouse, who You chose to spend you life with."<P>Thanks for reading and it really just helps me to write things out.<P>Thanks again<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited December 03, 1999).]

Knock Knock Knock...(that's me knocking on your moniter)...Hummingbird...is that really you? Really really you? Just kidding.<P>I love your letter. I could feel the empowerment within you building!<P>The icing on the cake is everything you wrote about your H! I wasn't expecting anything like that. <P>Hummingbird, you should feel the pride oozing out of you. You are picking yourself up, giving yourself a slap or two for good measure and planning to go on.<P>All the best and blessings on your marriage!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Love the letter. It sounds like you really mean what you say and aren't just saying it to convince yourself!

Hummingbird...<P>Beautiful!<P>Jim

Hummingbird,<P>You know if you keep this stuff up your H may have that "pale green" shade on his face one day . You've come a long way and you should be proud of yourself.<P>Keep up the good work.<P>God Bless You and Your H

Hummingbird,<BR>That letter is exactly what I wish my W would feel. Your H is one very lucky guy, I hope he realizes the thread that is walked by affairs. (people talk about being on a fence, I think it's thinner). While I was reading I was imagining my W writing it and it made me feel so good even though I know it's not to be in my case....<BR>Thanks....

Hummingbird,<P>What a GREAT post - thanks for baring your soul and sahring with us!<P>Feel better after purging yourself of all those things you wanted to say, don't ya!?!?!?<P>You are an amazing woman....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hummingbird,<P>That was so uplifting and confidence building to read. It gives me more hope again to pick myself up, dig my heels in and work with passion for my husband, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.<P>Have you let your husband read what you wrote? I bet it would make his day, week, year, life!! Many of us fantasize about hearing that type of thing and what's promising is that it seems to be a common mindset among betrayers down the road after withdrawal.<P>Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. It was so reassuring to read!<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Thanks everyone.<P>I am trying and while I realize that I am still in withdrawal and my emotions and feelings do sway and I am still very vulnerable, I am trying to with all the strength I have to stay on course.<P>It was very difficult for me for a long time to open my eyes to alot of things. Even though I've taken in so much information that my mind understands, my heart just wasn't following.<P>I get the feeling that my heart is finally opening and I can see the light. I was so caught up in the soul mate, true love and meant to be stuff that I just couldn't let go of it. I couldn't admit to myself that the affair was a mistake, I mean I knew it was but to actually BELIEVE in my heart that it was a mistake. I would always say to myself "but no, you feel in love with him because your marriage is meant to be over, you didn't marry the right person, he's the one your supposed to be with, that's why this happened, or else why would of he of come into your life". I realize now that he came into my life because I was vunerable, he was as well, maybe it was just bad timing for both us.<P>I said to myself "Here's a man, who has all my husband's good qualities and none of his bad", yeah I realized that he had bad qualities too but they didn't seem as bad cause I don't live with him and all the baggage that came with him didn't matter. I said "Here's a guy that knows exactly what I want, what I need, can almost read my mind, without me having to spell it out for him, he must love me more than my husband cause I don't have to tell him what I need to feel loved, he does it naturally, my husband can't love me that much, if he did he would know, I shouldn't have to communicate it to him, I want him to do it naturally, like my OM does.<P>Then whatever my husband did, I would read into it, my way. Everything he did was wrong because my OM could do it better. In my mind, me and my OM didn't need communication, we could look into eachother's eyes and know what we needed and felt. He knew how to read me. <P>I gave up at home, I gave up trying, I retreated deep inside myself, I didn't open up to my husband, how could he know how I was feeling, the only thing he saw was that he couldn't do anything right. He tryed to read me, he tryed to talk to me, he tryed to show me love the way he knows how to show it but forget it my heart was gone.<P>My heart just closed it's doors to him completely. I'm not saying we don't have problems, we do, I know. But the problems we have seem to be workable now, they don't weight so heavy on me. Yeah, I know he may never really enjoy going apple picking with me, going to see a play, and all those other romantic notions in my mind, but I do know that if I really wanted him to go, he would to make me happy. Yeah, my OM told me that he really would of enjoyed those things and I wouldn't of had to twist his arm, but he also told me alot of other things that never came to be. And I did remember that my husband did those things with me in the beginning of our relationship, when he was courting me. So, it would of been the same with my OM.<P>I got lazy in my marriage, I stopped trying, I was taking the easy way out. I went through a stage of fighting for my OM, I resisted so much in not getting over him, I resisted letting him go, I would say to myself "the things really worth having in the world are worth fighting for", now I realize that's my marriage.<P>My marriage is worth fighting for and I know that everyone who's followed my story knows how much I've struggled with truly believing this. <P>I know the future is uncertain, I know I may fall again, but I'm going to give it everything I've got.<P>As always, thanks for your support and reading.<BR>

Hi Hummingbird,<P>I have followed your story since it was so similiar to mine. I am so impressed that you have come so far so fast. It took me a lot longer to sythesize it all and reach the same conclusions. Also, I get the impression that you are fairly young and I am so impressed by your wisdom. Your letter was an inspiration to me and also so helpful because I always feel so comforted when I see the "common strands" of these situations. It points out that there are solutions and a way out...... I wish everyone could find that way too, don't you?

Hi Bonny,<P>I was actually thinking of you yesterday. I do remember your story being close to mine and was wondering how you were. I remember all the help you tryed to give me when I was really at my lowest point. I appreciate it so much.<P>You know how hard it is, the OM is still in my head, although I do feel it's fading. Most of it is because I have to see him everyday. I actually had a dream last night that I got a new job. <P>I can't wait until I get to the point that he's not there anymore and I don't care what he's doing or where he is. I try to always think of my husband when thoughts go there.

Hummingbird, it is me agiain, still loving your new mode of thinking. <P>Don't know if you have kept up with Building a Better Arik, or his wife Patient Love, but the post you would be great for him to read. Maybe you could do a little cut & paste on his thread?<P>I hope it keeps going well for you!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Wow! Great post, great letter, great attitude, great everything!<P>You've come a long way, baby!<P>All those who have had affairs should print this out and keep it, because this is MB, right in a nutshell, wrapped in a pretty Tiffany box.<P>Great work.

Hummingbird, Don't know if you are journaling, but it has helped me immensely in this whole mess. Get a book & write every day for at least 15 minutes. Write even if you have nothing to say. Don't worry about what you're writing. Same thing ove & over if need be, but do it. You can release so much tension. Also it will help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hummingbird,<P>Go read "die Deutsche's" letter. You are inspiring some very powerful posts these days. I like the way you are thinking HumB.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You<BR>JL

Hummingbird, <P>Thank you. I was weeping in my office here as I read your letter and your long post. I would give anything for my wife to write something like you did. <P>What was it that helped you come to these realizations?<P>God bless,<P>SHA

Hummingbird,<P>That was a fabulous letter and you have done really well. I am so happy that your at that point and long for the day my husband is. <P>Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. It made me feel real good and helped give me more hope.<P>You really should be proud. You have come a long way.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hi Hummingbird,<P>I continually seem to get better but have observed that it is two steps forward and one step back. I have great days and then I will have a very sad day when I go over something in my head that has to do with him him , over and over again.<P>You know, it is two years for me! Wish I could have been one of the "six months of withdrawal at the most" that Harley wrote about. I guess he was writing about the most acute and painful stage.<P>Anyway, just lately I have noticed that the OM is not in my head all day every day. In fact, I think sometimes I am not even thinking about him. That is such a relief, you know what I mean. I had even thought of getting hypnotized or something just to get him out of my head. <P>Glad you are doing so well.

Hummingbird,<P>It's hard thinking back to how niave we were, isn't it? The OM disgust me as well. I still struggle sometimes with the same issues of trying to rekindle the old feelings for my H. They're mostly back, but it's just not the same. It's hard for me to explain or talk abot, but reading your words is the catharsis I need. Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone out there!<P>Khyra

As always, I am truly touched that so many people care about me and understand how I'm feeling. <P>If I can have a positive influence on anyone's life, my God, that is the greatest honor. I have searched over the months for what good could possibly come out of this terrible mistake I've made. <P>It has been approx. 4 months for me. Even though I see him everyday, I feel I'm making a breakthrough. Yes, he's still in my mind, but I've noticed that more time goes by "some" days (can't say everyday) without him being there. I feel stronger in avoiding contact, when in the past, I had absolutely no willpower. I have taken many steps back over the months, practically back to square one. <P>I have never had an addiction in my life, and I truly understand now what addicts go through. I have found lately that I can physically sick if he enters my mind by a song or something triggering his memory. I was in the mall in this weekend, with family and I saw something that triggered the memory of me & him last xmas, I got sweaty, starting shaking and ran to the bathroom to compose myself. <P>I can't wait until that doesn't happen anymore. <P>I want to be happy again, I want to move forward, while I am uncertain what the future holds with my marriage, I know now the happiness I was attempting to achieve with my OM was false. I will only find happiness within myself and hopefully in my marriage. I use this for strength in going forward in each day. I am scared that maybe in the future my marriage could fail, but I have to give it a fighting chance. I know I have alot of work ahead me in my marriage. But every relationship takes alot of work. I fell victim to believing that my relationship with my OM was going to fix all my problems in my life. I did have a fantansy that my life with my OM wouldn't need any work. We were just going to get alone about everything, no fighting, always agreeing, plus he had none of my husband's bad qualities, Mr. Perfect. There is no Mr. Perfect. FHL, taught me that with every good quality comes the bad, you can't separate the two. The problem was my OM's bad qualities didn't seem that bad and he was on a pedestal and my husband was being analyzed through a microfying lense. <P>I am going to keep a journal of how I feel everyday, my setbacks and steps forward. I feel it will help tremoundously.<P>SHA, you know it's a very slow process and everyday is still hard. Thinking back to the beginning of this hell, I can compare myself to a small child being forced to take medicine. I fought with everything I had, I resisted so much. I can be very stubborn and I thought for sure I knew what I wanted and no one was going to tell me differently. I knew what love was, and yeah, I'm still struggling with that one, part of me feels that I did love my OM and maybe if we had meet years ago before my husband we could of had a relationship but that's not the case and I guess you can fall in love with many different people in this world IF you allow yourself, leave that door open, but the door has to be closed when your marriage, you chose to love the one your married to forever. <P>I've come to this realization by reading everything I can, going to counseling and doing some major soul searching. Alot of my problem is that I was just very naive. I assumed that you get married and you love eachother and you always will, I never knew the different stages of love before this, I though "god, if I'm attracted to someone else, or feeling these emotions for another man, it must be over between me & my husband, the love is dead and can never be rekindled", I thought because that passion was gone between me & my husband I must not love him as much, because I didn't enjoy kissing him for hours or his touch didn't effect me like it used to that our love was dying, I didn't realize that the communication between us had broken down tremoundously, I didn't realize that I had just stopped trying, stopped caring, how can any love flourish like this. <P>I truly pray that your wife will see things as I do now. <P>