Well, my W called today and we talked for about 30 mins. Lunch is off but we are on for dinner (as of now), which I prefer.<P>My W began to open up a little. She said she does not want to go to the house closing on Fri. and it makes her nervous thinking about it. She starting asking why I was trying so hard, that she would have given up. That she feels guilty about me doing everything for the move etc... And she would have given up a long time ago. She asked me why I wanted to try and work out our marriage. She said she thinks about where we are with the house etc... and that it would be normal to try and work it out, but she doesn't know if she wants to. She says she keeps remembering all the bad about us and how we never were really together as a happy couple. I never treated her right. She asked how long am I going to keep trying. until she asks me to stop. She even opened up a little about the OM but I did not push her. I just asked her to be honest with me so that I may better understand. She said it is hard and I said if you don't want to talk about something we won't.<P>My questions are: should I be talking to her about us trying to work it out? Should I now ask her to try? Should I ask her to give up the OM? I don't want to be pushy but I do want to go forward with us. How should I respond without LBing. <P>Dinner tonight will be good I figure I will pick her up at work and go from there.<P>If anyone can give me some input before I go to dinner tonight I would appreciate it.<P>Thanks for the prayers and support I have gotten here.

OK,<P>I actually have some experience here. You are doing great. What you should be doing is the perfect Plan A. Let me tell you this, if you are asking us to help you not love bust then in my opinion you have a problem. Meaning, you should simply choose not to love bust any time, ever. I'm headed towards my fifth month with no love busting.<P>By the perfect Plan A, I mean that you should work hard to:<BR>1) change you in a way that corrects the issues she's had in the past<BR>2) meet all of her emotional needs, at least those that she allows you to meet. That includes changing how you two converse (for example, I began trying to rediscover my wife by talking about her childhood, hometown, etc. also other things that interested her.). I even started going shopping with her.<BR>3) You should work hard to become your wife's best friend, her absolute total best friend. That means that when she wants to talk, she thinks of you. And she needs to feel safe that she can talk to you about anything, even the OM. Your job is not to fix anything, or guide her, or use her talking as an opening to save the marriage. Your job is to just listen and be empathetic. Listen, listen, listen, listen, and try to understand.<P>As far as giving up is concerned, don't tell her that you'll give up when she asks you to. She wouldn't know what she was asking for. In fact, I can tell by how she calls and relates to you that she loves and cares for yo deeply. She's confused about just what to do with you - go back, or stay away.<BR>My guess is that you have a great shot at getting your wife back. My goodness caj1, she's telling you why she wouldn't come back (she keeps remembering all the bad things, etc......). Truth is, she's probably blown some of those perceived bad things way out of proportion at this time, and probably made up some new ones also. It doesn't matter. Just show her by your consistent actions that life would be different.<P>Here's the best proof that this works. When I started this four months ago, my wife told me and the counselor that my changes were fake, and that she'd never accept them. About a month and a half into being consistent, my wife asked me if I were going to change "back" two years from now. About two months into it she said "I want to leave you, but you are being so nice". And just this weekend she said that she's staying with the family and me, and that she believes that my changes are real and that I won't change back.<P>Stay the course caj1. I think your wife wants to be with you. It's easier (especially with a new house coming, etc.), you know her, she's comfortable with you, etc. Now, you have to SHOW her that you will give her the lifestyle and happiness she seeks.<P>By the way, one little curve in this approach. You can not seem to be chasing her, clinging to her, waiting for her, etc. You have to be there for her and be sure she knows that you love her, without actually pursuing her or showing much affection unless she initiates it.<P>All the best,<BR>SamH

Thanks, I will respond more later. I am at work and have to go see a client for the rest of the day probably. Please check back later for more. Thanks again!

caj1,<P> Sam H brings up a good point that so many guys miss. Woman think out loud, they solve problems by talking them out. When your wife talks to you IT DOES MEAN YOU HAVE TO FIX IT.<P><BR>Your job is to just listen and be empathetic. Listen, listen, listen, listen, and try to understand<P>Sam has some good points read it again what he has the say.<P>If you have a bible look up Corinthians 13:4-6. it will give you a great break down on what love is and it will give you and short summary of what you should be doing now. If you don't have a bible let me know and I'll send you the verus.<P>

Getting Better,<P>Did you mean to recommend to caj1 that he<BR>DOESN'T have to fix it?<P>SamH

Let me be more clear on what I'm talking about.<P>To many times a woman talks to a man about lets say a bad day. To many times the husband is trying to fix the bad day when the only thing she wanted to do was vent, just vent and to be validated that the husband understands.<P>You come to me, an engineer, with something broken and I by default try and fix it.<BR>

I think SamH's points are right on. It sounds to me like your w is interested in coming back. This was the complete opposite of what my then w said and that's why were are divorced.<P>Hang in there, things are looking up for you.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob