Well, my W called today and we talked for about 30 mins. Lunch is off but we are on for dinner (as of now), which I prefer.<BR>My W began to open up a little. She said she does not want to go to the house closing on Fri. and it makes her nervous thinking about it. She starting asking why I was trying so hard, that she would have given up. That she feels guilty about me doing everything for the move etc... And she would have given up a long time ago. She asked me why I wanted to try and work out our marriage. She said she thinks about where we are with the house etc... and that it would be normal to try and work it out, but she doesn't know if she wants to. She says she keeps remembering all the bad about us and how we never were really together as a happy couple. I never treated her right. She asked how long am I going to keep trying. until she asks me to stop. She even opened up a little about the OM but I did not push her. I just asked her to be honest with me so that I may better understand. She said it is hard and I said if you don't want to talk about something we won't.<P>My questions are: should I be talking to her about us trying to work it out? Should I now ask her to try? Should I ask her to give up the OM? I don't want to be pushy but I do want to go forward with us. How should I respond without LBing. <P>Dinner tonight will be good I figure I will pick her up at work and go from there.<P>Should I persue her comming home and trying to work it out or what? I know you said slow, slow, slow, but it seems as if she wants to kinda talk. Please give your valuable opinion.<P>Thanks for the prayers and support I have from you, it really means so much, believe me!!<P>

caj1,<P>IMHO, I would take this like a sales meeting. You want to get the customer comfortable. Let them talk, be agreeable, don't push for the final sale. Make the dinner enjoyable and don't do any heavy lifting. If she enjoys being with you it will pay dividends later. She probably isn't ready to give up OM and work on marriage. <P>So it is Plan A with a gentle reminder that when she meets you it doesn't have to be painful. People tend to back away from pain. I would guess the ideal would be that she would begin to feel guilty and be in pain around the OM about all of this. Rather than being in pain around you and feeling comfortable with OM.<P>Hope this gives you some ideas.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited March 28, 2000).]

I think you're going to have to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room right now.<BR>If she wants to talk about it, let her bring it up. I would let her know that I was glad<BR>we were having dinner.Try to enjoy each other's company.Don't make demands or pleas.<BR>I know that's hard. If things go well at<BR>dinner, I'd call her tomorrow, and let her<BR>know how much I enjoyed it and maybe suggest<BR>doing something you enjoyed together before.<BR>This is so hard, isn't it? Kinda feels like<BR>an audition? <BR>You sound excited.And I imagine you're worried about screwing things up. Just take a<BR>deep breath - remember actions speak louder <BR>than words and she has agreed to dinner.<BR>The rewards for your efforts will be small,<BR>my have, but at least I have finally started<BR>to see "some" progress, so might you too.<BR>I hope dinner's great.<BR>

I read this earlier made some notes and now I'm back. I'm running out of time but here's what I see<P>I agree you better off going out to dinner, it's more romantic. As far as the house is concerned I would even address it unless she brings it up. Take the position that the house is meaningless, that it is her you are concerned about.<P> I agree with Just Learning, but I would add that not only are you a car salesman you a used car salesmen with a bad repoutation. My wife talked about our relationship was the pits for 19 years and that was 6 months longer then I had know her. Her view and her memory are all distorted, I don't know why but It seems normal. My guess is that it helps her to justify what she is doing. Our shrink when brought up the point that the mind does a good job filter out memories that don't fit what you are trying to prove, hence remembering only bad justifies her actions.<P> You need to be ready to answer the question of why are you trying so hard. Why did it take me leaving you for you to wake up. She will think that it is just the fact that it is because of the OM and not the fact that you are losing her. You might even try and beat her to that punch and head off a comment that your concern is about losing her and that is not the OM.<P> Don't expect anything romantic, or special after dinner. Be two people out having a good time. Enjoy her company and accept it for what it is. It you push sex you'll push her out of your life. <P> You need to be a good car salesman. I hate a salesman that doesn't give me room. I hate being pushed. I hate someone trying to get me to choose the car they want me to have. None of these are easy to do but the better you can do them the more love units you will build up.<P> You MUST be a safe place that she can be around. Her world is a mess right now and if you are this warm confrontable place she will seek shelter there more and more often. Be her shelter not her husband or lover. It's hell and it's hard but you want to keep the door of communication open between you.<P> If she brings up the house or anything about moving in or whatever have an open door policy but do not push it. "Honey, your always welcome" period no more no less, just a safe place for her to seek shelter.<P><BR>GO AND ENJOY DINNER WITH YOUR WIFE. HAVE FUN LAUGH IF YOU CAN. PICK ON THE IDIOTS YOU SEE ANYTHING TO AVOID THE PROBLEMS THE TWO OF YOU NOW HAVE. Your time to talk will come but not until SHE decides it is time. <P>Joe<BR>

Joe,<P>Thanks for responding, I will take everyones advice and just try and relax. I will bite my tounge and just be friends. She starts to open up and then closes up so I will not even bring anything up at all.<P>I will let you know what happens when I return. I know she won't be here tonight, but dinner is better than nothing. I have not seen her since Tues when she made love with me last week. That was probably a mistake but... it was so nice to be close to her.<P>Gotta get looking my best(which is terrible right now).<P>Thanks and I will talk to you tonight I hope<P>

Darla,<P> I love <P>I think you're going to have to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room right now.<P>it is so true, caj1 this is perfect description off what to do.<P>I am very happy and please with the way my marriage is getting back together. If you got laid last week your doing great and you must definely be on her good side even if it doesn't seem that way. I actually feel good I got laid once this year. The point here is it takes time. Even when you do get everything back on track there is still things to work out. I may be horny as hell but this has definely taught me to the value in working on a relationship before anything goes wrong. I have learned to enjpoy the simplest of pleasures, like just hold my wife. <P>I hope dinner was great.<P>Joe<P>Ps. I still don't have my normal mail picking up the mail from yahoo yet.<BR>