BBNC,<P>I am feeling better, still a little weak but progressing. I went to a doctor to get something for depression and he put me on Buspar. I explained that I tried this in the past but didn't feel anything. He gave me a stronger dose and said try it and if it doesn't work within two weeks to come back.<P>Anyway, H and I have not been discussing anything deep in the way of his addiction or my feelings. Just keepin the conversations friendly and on general stuff. Since I haven't felt great I didn't really want to get into any deep discussions, plus with the resentment I still have lurking near the surface I knew I didn't need more upset with getting into something that might very well turn into major LB's. <P>So, I have been concentraiting on getting physically better and as far as emotinally I can honestly say that I have been detaching. And while H is noticing this he has been trying to get physically close. Only because he hasn't had sex with a warm body. Most of the time he is content with satisfying himself, especially when we are sexually active, he usually will access his porn, get satisfied then either out of guilt or whatever, he wants to have sex with me to see to it I am being satisfied, however, . . .<BR>at these times,he is not able to be satisfied during our so called love making because he already took care of it. Ever know a man to fake an orgasm? My H does. <P>Hope this isn't too graffic. But just wanted to help you understand that because of this it makes me feel like I am second best. And I may have said this before, he has caused this feeling in many other areas in our marriage and now feeling like I am second in this area is too much. So, I have been detaching myself emotionally from our sexual relationship. I am nice, sweet and being cooperative in every other way except I am politely refusing his advances to have sex. As I told a friend, when he begins to say the right things and show some emotion in what he wants to do then I will consider it, but as long as I hear phrases like," When am I going to get some (or) Let me know when I can have some P***y,." HE WILL GET NONE HERE. <P>Do I sound a little ticked, you bet. I give him love he pulls away, I don't show outwardly affection and use my time to do things I want and he wants to get around me.<BR>If I give in then he goes right back to his porn and ignores me until he thinks he needs to do his husbandly duty to keep me from getting frustrated, I guess. What he is managing to do here by not wanting to connect emotionally is detachment from me emotionally. I hate this but I feel I have to protect myself, because everytime I feel the love I have for him and act on it and he then pulls away,the pain and everything else drives me further down. <P>I don't know if I am making any sense to you here but if you can possibly understand then you know what I am going through at the moment. There is a client at work who has expressed an interest in me. I have not done anything about this of course but it did feel good to know that someone noticed me as being interesting. I am trying to keep in mind that H has an addiction to his porn and satisfying himself. But it is difficult to deal with when you have had your heart ripped out by their infidelity and they continue to emotionally cheat causing your shattered self esteem to shatter more each time you discover they self gratify then turn to you as second choice. I just don't want that place anymore so, I am reading some good books, getting more involved with my art and getting my daughter ready for her first prom. <P>Also, I have joined a gym with my mother. She needs the exercise for her osteoperosis and I am going to have a much better firgure. H says I look great now. Well, just wait in a couple of months I will have everything in such firm shape that IF I wanted to stroll the beach in a string bikini I could. <P>Sound a little like revenge? Maybe. Resentment is still there for me and as long as he says such things to me as "When can I get some, etc. I will still have resentment.<BR>I feel it is high time he learn what a marriage should be. And I guess you could say my patience is running thin right now.<BR>BTW, you said you had some good info for me.I am willing to read it. Send it on to me. H has not read anything I have given him since your first post a long time ago. Seems when it reguires any kind of effort on his part he is either too tired or has other things to do instead. Can you see how I feel I am not nor this marriage much of a priority to him?<P>He's losing me and he doesn't even realize it.

D2,<P>I know exacly how and what your are feeling. I found that my ex-h had the same type of addiction when we went into marriage counseling. Our sex life was in a shambles because he was satisfying himself so much that he had nothing left for me. Our counselor was a sexual counselor and advised him to slow down on that. When he started his affair he had issues also. He blamed it on not being in to me and I know that I was definitely not into him either. Like you I had alot of resentment and began to avoid any intimacy at all. My self esteem was affected and I became depressed because of it.<P>I am now in a new relationship and have none of the issues that I had with my h. Our sex life is great and I find that when I am with someone that treats me respectfully and admires me openly I am willing and ready to try any new adventure in the bedroom. Im not recommending the divorce side of it. That was killer on everyone. But for me there was so much damage in that area, it was impossible to connect emotionally and physically. My h is still with the bimbo he left me for. She is a dominatrix and must have a closet full of outfits. My 10 year old daughter wanted to know why daddy's girlfriend had such strange underwear? She described an outfit hanging in his closet for me just last night. Needless to say I am mortified that my child has noticed that. She told me that his girlfriend dresses like a "stripper". She is only ten this is way too much knowledge for a child. Im going to advise he keep that stuff put away cause I know that my daughter likes to snoop. <P>I just wanted you to know that your situation is not that unusual. Unfortunately you are at the "mexican standoff". (that is what our counselor called our deal). She said that each of us was waiting for the other to change before we would change. I believe that if I would have tried or conseded before all that affair stuff, we might have saved the marriage. So if you are willing you can work on yourself, but alsow work on reconnecting with your h. It might not be perfect at first, but with a little creativity it could be fun! I hope I have helped. I do believe that any change creates more change. I never really got the chance to fix my marriage, hopefully you will. At least I have learned all these great MB principles for the next marriage I might have.<P>Gerri

Dear Dana,<P>Thank you for giving me an update. I have been concerned for you, and am very relieved to hear of the steps you have been taking to care for yourself.<P>I don't want to get into any heavy advice just yet. The enormous emotional strain on you has taken its toll on your body, and I want you to concentrate on restoring your health and strength.<P>I would like, though, to briefly respond to the emotional issues that you described in this last post. I don't believe that your H views you as 'second best'. It would be more accurate to say that because you have emotional needs (as any person does), physical intimacy with you is complicated. With porn, he can concentrate totally on himself. With you, there are many emotional issues that are interwoven with intimacy.<P>Until your H begins to really address his emotional problems, he will probably associate negative emotions like guilt, disappointment, rejection, and even fear with marital lovemaking. From his mindset, it is so much easier to just fantasize than to risk all the unexpected perils of true intimacy.<P>Also, your H has, to a large extent, disassociated sex from emotional attachment. This is a natural consequence of an addiction to pornography. He probably doesn't even realize how crass and uncaring phrases like, "When am I going to get some?" sound to you.<P>You wrote:<P>"Do I sound a little ticked, you bet. I give him love he pulls away, I don't show outwardly affection and use my time to do things I want and he wants to get around me.<BR>If I give in then he goes right back to his porn and ignores me until he thinks he needs to do his husbandly duty to keep me from getting frustrated, I guess." <P>Your problem (and your aggravation over it) are not at all uncommon. It is typical of the cyclical nature of certain types of destructive behavior. Your H doesn't want to lose you. He also doesn't want to change. When your behavior signals him that he may be in danger of losing you, he will change outwardly, but not inwardly. Once you soften, he will revert to his old behavior.<P>I know this sounds discouraging, but there are answers. For now, continue to do all the things you have been doing. Give me another update in a few days. When you are physically stronger, we can tackle the longer range issues.<P>I'm really proud of you for all the right choices you have been making! <P>Talk with you soon...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

BBNC,<P>Thank you so much for your kind words of concern for my well being. I can't begin to tell you how good that feels to have a friend of the opposite gender express such concern. I suppose because of my self esteem issue I was beginning to feel no man would ever have any kind of concern. And I know you will understand and not take this in the wrong context. I feel you do understand and thank you also for the words of encouragement about me taking steps to take care of me. It helps me not to feel selfish. Sometimes when I have done something just for me I have felt selfish because it was time spent away from taking care of what H thinks I should. <P>Of course he doesn't throw a fit and never has but when someone asks, " And what did you do today?" And I reply with, "Worked on a painting (or) wrote a couple of poems." His response is, "Oh." Not, hey that's great you took some time for You, can I see what you did or read what you wrote?" Simply, not interested. That hurts but I don't let it show because why force him to take an interest when he clearly shows me he has none. <P>As far as his concentrating on himself, Oh boy! is he. I just don't know how or what to do on this anymore. Anything and everything I know to try has not worked. And right now the only thing I know to do is concentrate on me. Why do I scare him so much. Or is it what I represent? So much to learn and understand, in the meantime,thanks again dear friend and I will keep you posted.<BR>

Limerick,<P>Thank you for your reply to me. I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out due to all the damage done. And in the recent past as well as the past itself I have never pulled away like I have now. I was always there willing and ready never refusing. He was the one who refused me a major part of the time. See my confusion?<P>But, I have begun doing something I haven't done before and that is detaching from him in a sexual way to see just how interested he really is in ME. Not just sex. But as BBNC is helping me to understand, as long as my H cannot connect to me emotionally and avoids all his demons that prevent this nothing is going to evoke much long term change here. And I have given the thought of starting over with a new life, but deep down I have to be honest and say I still love this man I am married to and want him to see and understand that the love I have to share is not a threat to his manhood or anything else he may view as taking away from him. <P>This is going to be a long road to travel and I am trying as best I can to muster the strength to get back up and fight the fight so to speak. However, there are times when I get to a point where I feel, What is the use. And I am sure you can understand this.<P>Also, about your 10yr old. Your ex should put these things away especially when he has his visitation time. And yes, kids snoop. That's just being part of a kid. So I hope for her sake he understands this and prevents any other future discovery issues by putting such things far and out of sight where she can find it period. <P>When you said you found someone who openly respects and admires you openly that sounds wonderful. Man do I wish and have always wanted this from my H. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. This is my positive and innocent outlook speaking here. It has been slowly making an appearance since I have begun to get back in touch with the beautiful things life has to offer. It is wonderfully refreshing considering all the crap I feel I have wallowed in for the past 5 to 6 months. Some days, well most days I have felt like a Neal Young song, 'Out of the blue and into the black.' Then other days I feel like AC/DC, 'Keep a stiff upper lip'.<P>So right now I guess you could say I shift from one to the other. Take care and thanks again for your support and I hope you find true happiness with yourself and the one you love for life. (((Hugs))) to you!