I'm done.<P>I've thought and thought and thought about this … I've worked so hard and not gotten ahead. And it's time for me to remove myself from this situation.<P>I took the rings off last night. I took the picture off the wall tonight. I will update my web page shortly and take our picture off of it.<P>My husband has considered himself free to do as he wishes for 5 and a half years … and I've been sitting here waiting for him to "return" to being someone I may very well have invented.<P>I don't regret the time spent doing this. I can honestly say I've done all I can do - now I'm letting go.<P>I've rejoined the human race and it feels GOOD!<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Hi Terri<P>I have watched your posts here and on the DB site also and I must admit your patience and persistence have been a credit to you but I honestly believe that your life is just ready to explode into something quite awesome. You go girl it will be his loss, he will miss you more than you'll ever know.<P>FET

Terri,<P>Sorry things haven't turned out as you planned. BUt it sounds like you did your best and are ready to move on. You have nothing to be ashamed of.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Terri,<P>However long, whatever you have done .... Recovery from infidelity is what Surviving An Affair is about.<P>Recovery does not always mean remaining married to an infidel. Your H has lost his wife, finally. And, he certainly lost a good one.<P>I know it's not an easy choice you have made. <P>I am one of the only, if not THE only, remarried betrayed spouse on this board.<BR>It's GREAT, life is GREAT and FREEDOM from infidelity is GREAT. <P>It's nice to have you back with the humans.<BR>Did you ever really leave?<P>---------------------------------------------<BR>Farewell Slug ........The ultimate in dignaty, grease, screaching email and OW-ness to be found on any TOW board <P>DEB - How about a song ?<P>---------------------------------------------PS:<P>I feel like my last post to you was so harsh in the questions I asked, I apologize now.

Forevertrue: Thank you for your optimism. I share it! I was starving for so long, and actually HAPPY to get the scraps he's been throwing me. I can't do that anymore.<P>RWD: Thank you for your vote of confidence, too! I wish things were going a bit better for you right now ... but we will persevere!<P>InShock: No need for apologies. You asked me some tough questions, and you and some others who have recently done so may have been the catalyst for this! But I was nearly ready, or the change wouldn't have come (how many times have I fought off the suggestion that I was a fool for hanging on?). I needed to get here on my own, to make the decision to start over again on my own. I still have a long way to go, because, you may notice, my plans do not include seeing a lawyer. I need to move slowly and on my own terms - and they are MY OWN terms! I've made a couple of big first steps and need to look around at where they have brought me before I move anywhere else at this point.<P>I love you all... I'll be lurking, still, because I do believe that the MB concepts are good ones. And I do believe that many people can benefit from them. With people like Dr. Harley and his children, Michele Weiner-Davis and other dynamic pro-marriage counselors out there, maybe the hell-bent ride for divorce in this country will slow to a trot and eventually to a walk. Maybe people will understand that marriage isn't just "happily ever after" and that love does NOT always conquer all - but maturity and understanding human relationships DOES.<P>Like I said ... I'm not really going anywhere. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Hi Terri -<P>I am so glad that you feel GOOD!!!!<P>That is what we need...a sense of stability for ourselves. Congrats on realizing what can give you that. It's always said that when it's time for something to happen or be decided - that's when it will - nothing or noone can force a change when the timing isn't there.....that just leads to more confusion.<P>You have gone with what you have "felt" all along and as long as you continue then you will be on your correct path.<P>I was going to ask you (being that I am not to far behind in my situation) what your thinking was on whether to just end contact and ween off of him or if you had decided to divorce.....I see that you haven't gotten that far in the thoughts yet, so.....when you do though let us know.<P>I know that God is with you through this whole thing and will continue to be. <P>You're a wonderful, caring woman and you are right.....you have done all and more to see this through. I'm tryng to do that also.....We will always be able to look ourselves in the mirror and know that!!!! It's a shame that the guys won't be able to....maybe someday they will see and understand what they have done. Hope so!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

HI terri, <BR>big decision time hey?<P>Well you've earned the right to make your own decisions and to control your own life.<BR>H had many opportunities to wake up and hasn't done so.<P>We talked about this before - not your decisions - but the fact that we stay in a situation for as long as we feel confortable with it, after that we might need to make changes. I suppose you got to that point now.<P>We also talked about being proud for having done our best in difficult circunstances, and you earned that too: keep your head high, you're a winner, no matter what "abducted by alliens" h thinks or decides.<P>Please stay. Lurk, post, read... but keep in touch. <P>Hugs to you<BR>Kat

Hi terri! I'm only a very occasional lurker these days. As one who is "moving on", I support your decision. <P>I've posted a suggestion to Steve that they create a forum for those of us "recovering" from infidelity without our marriages intact. I think you, and I, and many others have a long road ahead of us, and have plenty we can offer each other in terms of support and advice. It seems a shame that those who follow the marriagebuilders method, but don't find success, don't have a place here once the decision to move on is made. <P>Don't get me wrong, no one kicked me out. But the raw pain of the constant flow of newcomers is just a little hard to take. And I'm a little cynical about the whole thing. <P>I think marriagebuilders helped me in some very important ways, however. Yes, I often feel like a "fool" for hanging on for so long. But it has helped me realize that the failure of my marriage wasn't inevitable. By the time the OW came along, it was too late to save it. But the destruction started long before then. I think this perspective is very important if I'm to have more success with future relationships. <P>Good luck, terri!

T,<P>By the time I had divorce papers they meant zero to me. A matter of formality really. Well, perhaps a tiny twinge of "The Dance"<BR>Time did that for me.<P>Protect yourself. Make sure your life insurance, survivor benefits, etc. are not in his name. Get credit cards in your name only and remove yourself from any joint accounts.<BR>Cold thinking I know but, reality. Having all debt and assets separate will make future paperwork tons easier. <P>On another note, it may be helpful to post about following the plans "exactly" and the timing of the plans.<P>ANIMAC,<P>Another old face in the crowd <BR>I think your forum idea is excellent. Steve is a rare sight here these days.<BR>I hope you and the kids are well, you have never left my thoughts.<BR>

Hi Terri,<P>I think you are to be commended for lasting as long as you have. You deserve much, much better. Things don't always work out the way we would want, but many times much later, we realize that they did work out for the best. The time you spent waiting was not wasted because you used the time wisely by working on YOU. Now, you are in a much better position to go on and have a relationship that wil be happy and fulfilling.<P>Welcome Back!!!!

Terri,<P>Congratulations on your new freedom. I remember the day I gave up. It will still hurt. You will still question your decision, as I do today. But in the end, you gain some self respect, self worth and a new life of your own. You deserve that. Be strong, take things slow. You will always receive the support you need from everyone here, regardless of your decision, I learned that when I made mine to give up.<P>Its a long hard road ahead. Be strong. You will still have some bad days, as I do as well.<BR>Good luck and stick around! Dana<BR>

Dear Terri, <BR>I know what a hard decision this was for you..you have stayed the true course for much longer than many of us..<BR>It is somewhat cleansing to come to this decision,at least it was for me. You will still have times of doubt, but you will know what is best for you. <BR>I have also wanted this site to have a place for those of us divorced to post. It would be a wonderful place for us to go and get support...<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi Terri,<BR>I just echo what everybody else is saying. We all have our own time schedules...and I have found that I was healing these past 6 months, even as things with my marriage didn't get better. I'm healing after serving the papers as well. Guard still hasn't signed the Waiver of Service with the next stage being the papers are filed and the lawyer fees begin. That's ok. I'm not in any hurry (well, today, anyway ). I've got more healing to do. I don't want to drag this baggage with me for the rest of my life, no matter what. My worst case scenario is becoming one of those "cat ladies", you know, living with 30 or so cats...and you know what? Even that isn't so bad. (Funny, but not bad, the kids don't want that many litter boxes--their job to clean--while they're living at home)<P>Guard has been good about wanting to talk things through and although I hate hearing about his affair, and he's not crazy about my EA details, both of those things heavily contributed to my reaching the end...enough is enough. The good memories of my marriage are over 2 years old and the happenings & memories since then have for the majority been so very bad. But I still find the thought of divorce very scary...Guard has been in my life for 20 years...I'll see him over the heads of my children's lives for the rest of my life...I'm sorry his Plan A is falling on the war-torn ground of my heart and not flourishing.<P>I don't know how your H will react...you've always been there for him. You/He could both be very surprised to find out that he doesn't want you to move on.<P>No advice from me today...just know you aren't alone picking your way through the dark of "enough".<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Woozy, I was the biggest one here that was amazed at how long you were still trying. You know I am always the doubter, but can I ask what brought this change of heart on? I mean you once told me that you would continue for as long as it took when I asked if maybe H just is being a friend to you now and that's all. Did anything happen?

Thanks for the support everyone! It means so much to me to know that you all understand. I suppose my feelings will be different day to day, but I do feel like I took off a 100 pound weight when I made the decision that I was through with this.<P>The straw that broke the camel's back? Well, it wasn't just one, I don't think. Some of it came from asking myself some of the questions you all have been asking me for a long time. And also from him contacting me this past weekend wanting help with his computer and to talk to me about one of his wild and crazy (and really intelligent - I have to give him that) ideas. He told me "come during the day." And it just didn't set well with me... I thought and thought about it and was disgusted with him - allowing her to determine who he spoke to and where? And what, he couldn't/wouldn't stand up to her? And that meant I had to "help him" out with his computer problems on HIS schedule and "screw" mine??? Just didn't seem right, somehow. After an hour of talking to him, I wanted to go... but he wanted to talk. By the end of 2.5 hours, I had had it, and I left.<P>I have agonized over this, believe me. It wasn't an easy thing to do - but it has been a "freeing" thing. I am still working on what comes next as far as what I will do about the marriage. I think as suggested, separation of the accounts and a legal separation might be what I need to do. I am still working on all of this. For now, I have decided that I'm finished working. That's it.<P>It is good to see Animac here! I've wondered how things were with you!<P>I'll be around, honest... I might be frequenting the new forum on divorcing soon!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri, does your H know that you are done? Are you going to do a Plan B letter or are you just going to leave him alone completely without any mention of your plans?

Considering he has suddenly remembered I'm alive several times over the last few weeks, I believe I will have to give him some kind of notice. A Plan B letter would be ok, but I don't want to leave him with the impression that I actually will welcome him back with open arms, because at this point I am not willing to do that.<P>Give me some time - this is all so new to me that I haven't quite decided what to do next! Legal advice would probably be the best thing, but I don't have any money, so it is not an immediate option.<P>To explain my opening comment, he has called me several times over the last few weeks that I have been detaching. Including a call to me at work today. So far, always to help him with something computer-related. I still have trouble with "no" inasmuch as I didn't tell him I wouldn't help him. But he wanted me to meet him at the pizza place and I said no, I would rather not - and told him that if he wants me to help him, he can come to my place.<P>I don't hate him, and I'm still not really angry with him. I'm just done. It's kinda hard to explain, but there is nothing negative in my feelings at all at this point. There's nothing much at all, actually.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Harley said in today's radio show that what typically happens is the betrayed wakes up one morning and suddenly feels like they don't need this any more and want out. It's an indication of the lovebank being drained. This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of dramatic switch occur, seemingly (and maybe literally) overnight. Others have described it to me. It usually doesn't reverse itself either.<P>I am very happy for you Terri. You will have peace and the freedom to go live the rest of your life on your terms, no regrets. Meanwhile, you've learned a host of new skills that will make you very successful in future relationships.

Terri:<P>I’ve gone back and forth with posting to this thread, but here ya go anyway. While I <B>am</B> sorry things didn’t work out as you originally wanted, they HAVE finally worked out. In a strange way, you sound... well... GOOD actually. I know the <I>situation</I> isn’t good, but you finally sound right about what you are doing, none of the angst that accompanied your “decisions” before to do or not do anything.<P>That’s all I ever really wanted... for you to be right with things. You never sounded “right” before, but you do now. I echo Distressed last paragraph above... every word. In a weird sort of way, I AM happy for you. <P>Good luck, and never forget all those wonderful tools you have learned how to use. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Thanks, Distressed and WhoDat. I do feel right. Finally.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited March 30, 2000).]