I have posted one message before, asking advice about whether to push my wife to give up her baby (the result of adultery) for adoption. I was resoundingly told that this was not the recommended process (trying to impose my will) or even the best policy. I have since decided not to push that point, and accept the child as long as I decide to stay married to her.<P>However, I now realize that I really should be focusing on the more fundamental issue: do I WANT to stay married to her and SHOULD I stayed married to her. Most of the messages I've seen posted seem to indicate that at least one of the parties really WANTS to stay married and feels LOVE for the other. The victim of adultery was often taken totally by surprize. But in my case, I knew she was as unhappy as I was (in Marriage-Builder parlance, we both had negative balances in our Love Banks), though I was shocked that she actually was willing and capable of having sex with another man. So it's not just a question of HOW to save the marriage, but a question of WHETHER it's worth it.<P>On the SHOULD side, we have 3 children of our own (with her 4th from the other man due in a month), whom we both love deeply and would hate to hurt. We are both Christian, though my faith is more active than hers in the intellectual sense (reading, thinking about how to live a better Christian life, etc.), while hers is more casual. But we both have been driven to stay together out of a sense of Christian duty and guilt for many years, neither being happy in the marriage or attracted to the other, and I think the SHOULD motivation has been destructive to us, making us feel trapped and resentful. I think we both need to feel we WANT to be married. This is a harder issue for me.<P>On my side, I have felt physical revulsion with her weight problem for many years, and imagine she'll only become more like her obese mother as time goes by. I have felt frusturated that she is not a "soulmate", as we have dissimilar tastes (she dislikes reading and intellectualizing which I love; I am a homebody while she's a partier; I like more sophisticated TV and would like to limit it while she likes lowbrow talkshows and wants it on all the time; I love sports while she'd rather sit around talking all day; she wants to continue living in her South American country while I would prefer to return to the U.S.). I am one of the few Christian men who retained his virginity before marriage (despite plenty of opportunities) and was faithful, while I discovered post-marriage that she was not a virgin, and of course has now committed adultery. <P>Nonetheless, after much thought and prayer I think it's POSSIBLE to build a good marriage, if we both really work on it and make some compromises for the other. I realize I would PREFER to rebuild a decent marriage with her despite the know problems than bear the known disadvantages of divorce: pain to the kids, the need to continue relating with her and exchanging kids across continents, the likely difficulty of finding a new wife and building a good "blended" marriage, etc.<P>But my question is: do most people really think that building a good marriage between two radically different people is always possible? Or are their times when personality and character differences just makes it impossible? Is it only a question of will? Is the past just too hard to forgive and forget sometimes? We've worked on improving the marriage over the past 5.5 months since she told me about the adultery (when she discovered she was pregnant), but only marginal improvements have been made so far. I don't want to live the rest of my life in mediocrity or worse!<P>Thanks for any advice.

Dear BringingupBaby:<P>Wow – do you ever have a situation on your hands! I’m truly sorry for the pain both you and your wife must be going through right now.<P>I’d like to right away point out a couple of things I noticed. I read your profile, which states that you come from a negative, critical family. I know that often times growing up in such an environment fosters insecurity in one, which can later turn into having to feel superior to others in order to feel good about yourself. <P>The way you describe your differences makes me think that you don’t see your wife as your equal in any way, and that you have probably made her aware of this throughout your marriage, whether you meant to or not. You married your wife because you said that “opposites attract” – well, how has that changed? Just because you don't share intellectual interests (you like Beethoven she likes Ricky Martin) doesn’t mean you can’t still create a haven for one another in this crazy world. It’s how you meet each other’s emotional needs that should matter, not what books you’re reading or the analysis on the latest Woody Allen film.<P>Of course, if one on your priority needs is to have a partner who completely matches your style of intellect, you probably married the wrong person. A person can change many things about themselves and grow and mature over time, but they shouldn’t be asked to change the essence of who they are. Part of loving someone is appreciating what they have to offer, and not punishing them for their limits (we all have them). For example, I’m very artistic, book smart, and like to have intellectual discussions as well. My husband is more practical and his mind works in a different way than does mine. He’s more pragmatic, and he’s super street smart. Even though our intellects are of different natures, I don’t consider him less intelligent than me, because I know he offers me something I lack. We still have very stimulating conversations and debates, but that’s because we’re best friends who accept each other as we are. I don’t expect him to be a carbon of me – and he doesn’t expect that of me either. That’s an unfair pressure to place on anyone.<P>Your question is whether or not you should stay married. I don’t think anyone can answer that for you. If you ever had love for your wife at all, I would ask yourself where that love came from and why it grew inside of you to begin with. If the differences you describe didn’t prevent you from marrying her in the first place, ask yourself why they are now magnified to the point that you are not attracted to each other at all. Perhaps you and your wife can sit down together and ask each other these questions. Maybe you’ll be surprised at the answers. <P>Sinceramente, te deseo el mejor!<BR>

bringingupbaby:<P>You've got a tough path to success, that's for sure.<P>I would have suggested that you try counseling with Steve Harley, but if you're in South America, the call isn't going to be toll-free.<P>You've been working on the marriage for the last few months. How? Are you specifically using MarriageBuilder techniques, and is your wife "enthusiastically" participating?<P>What's your current situation in the marriage? Is your wife willing to change behaviors to meet your needs and to stop lovebusting? Have you done the same for her?<P>The differences you state aren't the death of your marriage. The low lovebank balances could be. If you do think that divorce might be a better option, you will want to discuss it with your wife using the Policy of Joint Agreement, and see if she agrees. If she doesn't, then you need to come up with a more effective plan for restoring your love for each other.

bringing - It sounds like you basically need to choose between what's best for you and what might be best for your children. In the kind of loveless marriage which you describe yourself as being trapped in, it seems to me that divorce would be the best thing for you. I also think that you really need to get in touch with your feelings towards your wife, your children and yourself. Individual counseling (if your W isn't ready to do couples) could help you do this.<P>I'm not coming from a Christian perspective, so can't help you with that side of it, though I know it makes the whole issue more complicated. All I can tell you, having been through it, is that there IS life after divorce, sometimes a much BETTER life. I divorced my 1st W when our son was in HS and he survived the experience (though it was really rough on him). 1st W and I weren't soulmates either, though we'd been married a long time. She was cheating on me AND treating me badly and I just got fed up. Then I did meet the woman who I THOUGHT anyway was my soul mate (turns out not, but the illusion was great while it lasted). Now she's my 2nd W. We were fairly happy for a while until I found out about her affair. <P>Basically, I'd advise you to look out for yourself in this kind of situation. Here's an apt quote from the Irish poet W.B. Yeats: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Too long a sacrifice<BR>Can make a stone of the heart<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex