I found out that she's pregnant and I don't know what to do. Things where going so good for me, I was happy and moving on, and then this. And what's more is he says that I have some blame in this cause he would have never meet her if I hadn't of kicked him out back in August.<BR>Then he tells me last night that he knows I'm with someone else (not true)and that all my friends are telling him this. First of all my friends wouldn't talk to him and if they did they wouldn't lie about that cause they know I still love him.<BR>If anybody's been in this situation could you please give me some advise on how to handle this. I'm a nervious reck right now and some advise would be very helpful. <BR>He's moving out this weekend and told me he doesn't want the baby and tells her he does. I don't think he knows what he wants.<BR>Please help me!

Broken-heart,<BR>Just remember, what your h says right now is not rational. The fantasy land of the affair just came crashing down and reality is going to hit and hit very hard. This is in no way "your fault" that is the usual line given by the betrayer. Your h made the choice and unfortunately, many people will be affected by that choice. You need to decide if you could accept both your h and this child. I'm sure that some people can and some people cannot. If you can, tell your h. Hugs as you take a look in your heart and decide what to do.

Dear BH,<BR>Breath deep. This has got to be so painful for you and I am truly sorry.<P>I know that "K", aka Mr. Marriage Builders has a wife who got pregnant with OM's child. They are trying to rebuild the relationship and he sees the baby as a precious gift now (though I'd venture this was not the case at first). You may want to do a search on his user name though you will need to go way back, he has posted much and the searches offer a limited number of posts. It will take you some time.<P>Ask yourself this - "could I still be with this man?" If the answer is yes, then keep learning, keep trying. You will succeed if only from the experiences you gain in having tried all that you could to make it work.<P>Sorry if this is not much help. Please know that my thoughts are with you. I do know that there have been others in the same or similar situations. Maybe do a search on "pregnant" and go from there.<P>Good Luck.<BR>Lisa

Broken heart,<P>Try not to let this news get to you right now. How can he blame this on you? That is cruel. How does he feel about it?<P>I don't have exact experience in this, but I am just here to say that I am here and sending you prayers. That is a horrible experience I am sure. <P>I guess I should be thankful my H had a vasectomy at 26 . (we had 3 kids, didn't want more). <P>Try not to let this one factor of the affair get to you now. Just be strong and do what makes you happy. <P>I just remembered there is a neighbor on my street, who was the OW and became pregnant (i suspect on purpose). the H went back to his wife, sends a check faithfully for support but has no contact nor ever seen the child once. So in that respect, 5 years later , this H is still with his W and the OW still is alone. Hope that helps.<P>Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

Someone made the comment to me that it's ironic that he's with her because he doesn't want the responsibility of marriage and a child to take care of and now he's in the same boat only with someone else.<BR>I know this isn't my fault, but the things he says to me really hurt. And I know he's doing it on purpose. He hated the fact that I was happy and moving on, and now I'm all depressed and upset again, and that's the way he likes it.<BR>I don't know if I could ever be with him again after this. I think I need to really try and understand what he's doing. But I can say this, I know that the marriage is over. <BR>I told him after I found out that there is no chance of us ever being together again (big LB I know). He just couldn't understand why. He's told me before he wants me to wait for him so he can go out and have fun. He also said if I was to get with someone else I would be a sl**t and he would be very jealous. <BR>What is he doing???? Does anybody know???

Broken_Heart,<P>You are right, he is in the same boat. He probably realizes that to some extent, but is so confused. It sounds like reality is fixing to come crashing down on him very quickly. I think sometimes these betrayers have to hit rock bottom before they are able to see reality. Unfortunately, we betrayed and our children are hurt too.<P>Nobody can tell you whether or not you are able to except this baby or your H. That will have to be a personal choice. <P>As far as your H wanting you to wait, that is so selfish on his part. It sounds like the classic "I want my cake and eat it too." <P>Take a lot of time to think about how you feel and discuss it with those you feel comfortable with. Don't make any spur of the moment decisions as you may regret them later. <P>I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not at fault and maybe this dose of reality will be a hard but good lesson learned for your H. Personally, I think my H is going to need something like this for him to return from lala land. My H has returned before only to regret everthing he did to his family, but somehow always thinks that the grass is greener again later. Like you, I have pretty much decided that my marriage is over. <P>I'm sorry that I have not been able to help you much, but I had to write because I know the pain must be awful. Please hang in there and take care of yourself.<P>Tulip

Okay, since I am known around here as the "plain-spoken" one I have to say your H is a real d*%K! I am sorry that your have to endure this, I went through something similar years ago. Though the blame was never but on me and I think your H is a coward for TRYING to blame you for his actions. I stayed in the relationship, but it took years before I was able to deal with the OW. The child was easy after it was born, but I would cringe everytime I heard the OW's name brought up and it took years before I felt comfortable with her. My boyfriend (who is now my H) was good at respecting my feelings on the situation. It was known that he wanted to be with me and let her know that the child would be a part of my life too. Your H is not accepting responsibility for anything that he has done and is continuing to do. You say that he tells you he doesn't wants the baby, but tells OW he wants it. Obviously he still wants to keep you both in your place. It is time to take control of your own life. Plan B may be in order until he gets a clue! As far as him being mean and calling you names it sound as if he is a big controller and emotional abuser, always playing the victim instead of accepting responsibility. JMO

broken_heart,<BR>I am very sorry to hear that the OW is pregnant. I know what a difficult road that is to travel since I am in that same situation. There are also others here (K, catnip, Jenny, DaycareDisaster) so you are no alone.<P>It's sad to hear that your H is not acting rationally. This is NOT your fault though I understand that it hurts to hear your H say that anyway.<P>The XOW in my situation had a baby last August. My H and I have stayed together and we are working on our marriage. I know that I could not have done that without my H's commitment. It has been very difficult at times but we are making it. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at audreyb62@hotmail.com.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Broken Heart,<P>You know what they say, missery loves company. I am proud of you for moving on. You are not at fault for this. Your H just got a lesson that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Stay stong. Breath deep. You will make it. <P>Viki

Thank you guys for your insights and advise I really do appreciate it. I know it will take a while for me to be able to move on, but I know that some day I will be able to.<BR>He's asked me not to tell anybody about any of this until he's sure what there going to do and if they don't keep it he doesn't want anyone to know at all. Does anyone know why he would be feeling like this? <BR>I think deep down inside he thinks that I'll always be there for him to come back to, and in the past I have been. But not this time.<BR>Does anyone know where I can find examples of a Plan B letter?? I really think Plan B to the extreme is very necessary, don't you?

Is she 100% sure she is pregnant. You know OW do make these things up as their LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE! Has he seen the stick turn blue or positive, has he gone to the doctor with her?

trying2_4give - he said that she called him from the doctors and he spoke with the doctor, and he told him she was defenatly pregnant. I think she knew what she was doing and tried to get pregnant, because she was scared we were going to get back together. She kept telling him she had a gut feeling we would. She thought this cause he was spending so much time with me and he and I were getting along so well.<BR>He was talking to me about him staying and us going to counseling and working everything out, and then this. He even told me he didn't want to break up with her because he didn't want there friends to think he was an a$$. He said that he could tell HER I was pregnant and then all there friends would understand.<BR>It shouldn't matter what the friends think or say.<BR>Which brings up another question, could he possibly be telling me she's pregnant to not only hurt me but to try and get rid of me? I'm not the one who's been talking about us getting back together, and I was on my marry way before this, so why would he think he need's to get rid of me? <BR>He's lied to me so much that I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth, but for some reason I DO believe this.

I am here with you. Also if any of the other ladies who are in this situation read this I lost your emails so if you would email me. I would like to be able to chat with others on how they deal with this.<P>Stacy<P>jadedstacy@home.com<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <P>

Broken it sounds like he is still in FantasyLand with OW. He doesn't want her friends to hate him! He is making excuses for his behavior. He is still stuck on the fence and doesn't know which way to turn. But STILL this is NOT your fault. Yes it is an addiction, but he has to see that he needs help. You can't make that decision for him. You just have to continue taking the best care of you as you have been.

Ok I'm going to interject some cold hard facts in here. My sister has lived with this for years. When it came to light, DNA tests, apparently the state of Minn. is insisting on fathers being identified and forced to pay support.<P>The bottom line for her has been that a substantial sum is paid monthly to the mother of his child, this sum is calculated on the total family income. They have actually considered divorce and co-habitation to reduce the payments. This child gets the lion's share of money, they have to scrape to provide for their 4 legitimate one. Further the child is living with them much of the time, but the payments continue.<P>This is what your life could be like, obviously my sister thought her husband was worth it (and I agree with her) and they had 4 kids. My question is, is your husband worth it? Go into it knowing that you will probably pay for 20+ years. Are you willing to do that? What investment do you have? <P>In the absence of children I would run far and fast and let the guy stew in the juice of his making.<P>I realize that this is mercinary and probably against the fundamental principles of this board, but you need to know what you are facing. <P>Take care always.

I have been living with OW having H's child for 18 months, but our reconciliation has gone very well. <P>I agree with the basic theme here, that you need to ask yourself the classic Ann Lander's question:<BR>Are you better off with him or without him? Only you and maybe a good counselor could get the answer to that one! Certainly if you have children together, that is a consideration. You want to set a good example for your child(ren), whether that means stay or go. What Hanada said is something to keep in mind, financially, too. Heavy questions...<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

Thank you for all your responses. He's moving out tomorrow and he came home last night to do some packing. He couldn't stop telling me how much he's going to miss me and how much he loves me. I don't know what to think, I honestly think he wants his cake and to eat it too. He told me he thinks he made a big mistake and now he's kind of stuck with it. He always wants me to tell him I missed him or I love him, and it wouldn't be that big of a deal but it hurts me know to say these things knowing he's going to leave and be with her and there unborn baby.<BR>I don't think I could ever trust or believe anything he says again. I know I'm not wrong. It's hard for me to do Plan B because of our son I don't want any fighting or problems. Can anyone suggest how to Plan B when there's a child involved?

You can check out my older post on ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>Maybe check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> too!<P>Plan B with kids is hard...<BR>It requires preparing your child(ren)...<BR>How many and how old are they?<P> <P>Jim

I am so terribly sorry for your dilemma. Unfortunately, there are several of us here on the forum that share your unique and awful situation. <P>What we are all going through, is the one most awful thing that even far surpasses infidelity in a marriage. That is the ugly outcome of that infidelity resulting in a pregnancy/child. <P>Infidelity is the worst thing that can happent to a marriage-except for THIS very tragic outcome. THIS is, without a doubt, except perhaps for AIDS, in my opinion, the very worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Those of us here on the forum who share this tragic and sad situation understand and are here to help you through the next couple years, because, it's going to be a very tough ride.<P>You are going to need this forum, your faith in God, your family and your friends to get through this. A good therapist is probably a good idea. My therapist has helped me survive this, but this forum saved my life, my sanity and has brought me some semblance of peace of mind. I do not think I could have survived this without it. I also met one especially wonderful friend from this tragic outcome that I will be forever grateful to God for.<P>You must examine your heart to determine whether or not you are strong enough to weather the storms ahead, the heartbreak you are enduring, the loss of your sexual exclusivity, you own feelings of self-worth and what this has done to you as a woman, and whether or not your husband is deserving of a chance to stay in the marriage, and whether or not you believe your marriage is worth saving. Most marriages are, barring of course, the completely self-serving, intentionally hurtful spouses who will never recognize what they have and are willing to let the marriage erode for their own self interests. <P>You will soon be able to determine, after Plan A and/or Plan B, whether or not your husband is worthy of your efforts to repair and restore your marriage. He must acknowledge what this has done to you and the marriage and prove to you his sincerity and willingness to put you and the marriage first and together you must agree to how this OC will be handled. And it must be handled to YOUR satisfaction.<P>You must search your heart as to what you are willing to do regarding the OC, and most of all if you will ever be able to forgive and accept in time what your husband has done to you and to your marriage. His complete remorse is mandatory, of course-IMO.<P>In the meantime, surround yourself with loving family members and friends. Stay close to God and post daily on the forum and talk to Audrey, Jenny, Daycare Disaster (where are you lately???) and me and all the others here. We are all here for you. God bless and guide you.<P>Catnip =^^=