Ok here's the deal- Its been 5wks since I found out and still can't stop obsessing about the fact that my H had an EA that lasted 2mths with a co-worker (btw - he's only been at this new job 4.5mths) He stopped going out after work (plus) and said he no longer is a "friend" to the OW. But tonight he is working late and I couldn't help myself and snooped around his pc. Well I found a poem he wrote - don't know if he gave it to her but in it he mentions love - didn't know anyone could stir these feelings in him - and mentions touching her. He is apparently having a hard stressful time at work but i'd like to confront him about this. The poem was written on 2/12 - i confronted him about the affair on 2/24. So technically i can't accuse him of anything but breaking my heart.<P>WHY DO MEN HAVE TO BE SO INCONSIDERATE TO THEIR WIFES FEELINGS. I TOO WOULD LOVE TO BE TOLD THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL - AND YES I GAINED 20 LBS SINCE WE MARRIED 8 YRS AGO. BUT I ALSO HAD A CHILD, WORK FULL TIME, AND MAINTAIN A HOUSE FOR HIM TO COME HOME TO. WHY? WHY? WHY?

My opinion is that while is okay to snoop, you usually end up regretting it. I found the card my then w was going to give him plus the ring he gave her. It made it worse when she wouldn't give him the ring back as he wouldn't take it and it was expensive, so she put it in a safe deposit box(only for a week though).<P>I don't think you should mention the poem tough. Right now you are attempeting to rebuild your marriage and this would be considered a love buster as he will probably feel you are checking up on him and don't trust him(both of which you maybe entitled too) but he will see this as part of the problem and the reason that he went elsewhere for companionship.<P>You must go into Plan A. Other will be along tonite or tommorrow to give more insight into these area.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>Bob

Hi So:<BR> Let me second Bob's opinion--to confront him with the poem would be a big LB and would do no good. My theory is the less I bring up anything to do with the woman my H had an EA with, the better...why bring her back to mind, when I know he broke things off but still has feelings for her? I do not want to prolong him dwelling on her.<P> With that said, I'll tell you I found a poem she sent him about two weeks after he broke it off (it was one she'd copied, not an original, and mentioned nothing sexual. But, it did talk about being faithful to yourself even if that required breaking faith with someone else). <P>You know what? The poem really doesn't matter. What matters is that while he did get too close to her, they realized what was happening and decided to avoid each other. What matters is that he chose rebuilding our marriage (even tho I can see that withdrawal from her hurts him deeply). What matters is that we are rebuilding and getting closer.<P>Focus on your marriage and making each other happy. Care for each other. Talk to each other. Don;t obsess over details like the poem.<P>Kathi

I have gotten so much good advice since i've started coming here I will try to follow yours. Thank you<P>Sam

Sam,<BR>I have to say I agree with the others. When you confronted him on the 24th you decided to continue with your marriage, now you have to try and put it behind you as much as you can. I'm not saying it's bad to snoop, because then I would be a hypocritical person, but once you do snoop the only thing you could hold against him is anything he did from that point on, you need to accept that he's done something bad prior to that. <BR>I myself needed to know alot of information to get over the affair. In "After the Affair" with Janis Spring they talk about what needs to be revealed in an affair, there are two responsibilities that come with telling the truth, he has the responsibility to be as honest and as revealing as he can so you can process the information and you have the responsibility to examine your own questions and be assured that these questions are valid, with purpose, and really need answers to, you also must deal with the possibility that you won't like the answers. I made this process slow down until I could really examine the question by writing it down and thinking long and hard about the question and HOW to ask it.....I would examine this one carefully, remember Rome wasn't built in a day and it does take time to rebuild a relationship. My prayers are with you, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Had to respond to this one. I'm the biggest snoop there is! I just had to know what was going on and still do. <BR>I definately would not confront him with anything you snooped into (poem), but I would look into what his emotional responses are and try to use that to your advantage. I know snooping is probably not a good thing to do, and sometimes what you find is not what you want to find, but if you use it constructively, it's not a bad thing to do. Stick to plan a and be the best you can possibly be. Be upbeat, happy and attentive.<P>About the weight - I too gained weight after the kids. It didn't seem to bother my H, but it sure brought my feelings of desirability to an all time low. I felt pulled in all directions, my self esteem plummeted and sexual desires became non-existant. Perhaps the weight is not an issue with him, but an issue with you? Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to offend. <P>Since I found out about my H's affairs, I've lost 25 pounds - looking pretty good, my H has definately noticed, my sexual desires have skyrocketed, self-esteem up and so on.<P>Anyway, be patient, be prepared, DON'T confront him with anything you find, be the best plan A'er you can be, and give him some time.