I found out about my husband's affair in November. We talked and he decided on January 7th that he was going to break the affair off, we would separate, and then attempt to work on getting our marriage in order. We've been separated since Feb. 1st. I found out on March 8 that the OW was spending nights at his place and decided that Plan B needed to be initiated immediately. Last night, he told me that he decided to leave her the first time because he still has feelings for me and wants to find out if we have a marriage worth saving. He said that he went back to her because during the month of January (prior to his moving out) we were not getting along well. Undoubtedly, this was due to the fact that he was just "on hold" and that he never actually left her. They have daily contact, and this was the problem in our relationship during that time.<P>I guess I'm second guessing myself into wondering if my Plan A was even effective since he totally view it as a constant Withdrawals instead of any deposits being made. I felt that we were really making strides in the middle of February (probably due to the fact that we started counseling together and I was finally dealing better with the anger that I had).<P>I'm wondering if he is actually sincere that he is attempting to make deposits. I mean, I don't know if he wants to leave his affair, but my question is....if he does leave the OW, how do I know for sure it really has happened? How do I trust him to know that and continue contact with him thereafter? I hate to get involved with him again, only to find out later down the road that she was "still on hold". Yet, the desire to work on my marriage is so strong. I truely believe we have something very special and we have both verbalized this to one another. I just don't feel safe (understandably) with his words anymore. I hate to get in over my head with Plan B. I don't want to feel like I'm shutting him out of my life PERMANENTLY because I really do want to work on the marriage.<P>Any advise is greatly appreciated! Thanks,

Some of the best help is to go back and read on many of the other posts. I know many have posted to me (mercy) on what plan A does do for us betrayers. <P>If you read some of my posts and others you may see the way a betrayer's mind works and why plan A is important. The reminder of being loved from your spouse is hard. I know that i have a hard time responding to my H, because quite frankly i don't want to. I feel cold and emotionally turned off towards my H. But then I think that it may have some effect because where would I be if he didn't love me through this? <P>Keep with Plan A since it does seem as if your H does want this marriage to work. From what i have read here, it takes at least 1 year to start to heal from this devestating occurance in our marriages.<P>I hope this answers your question. Ifyou have anymore, please feel free to ask.<P>Mercy

The truth is that you are not going to trust your h for quite some time. Nor is he going to be filling your love bank. At this point it is going to be you doing all of the work and that is ok. I know it seems horribly unfair, but truly, you can do it. You can only be responsible for what you do. If you go back to Plan A, Plan A all the way. No love busters and this is very difficult to do. Your h will respond to Plan A, but remember if he does come home he will go through withdrawal. After withdrawal, he will start to give you some thing back. Remember to do what you can and leave the rest to God. Your h has to make the decision, not you. Don't take the chance of looking back on your life and wondering if only you had done Plan A. Know that you have done the best that you can and if your h chooses not to follow you, then HE made a bad choice, not you. Keep reading Dr. Harley's material to get you through this difficult time. Find a woman friend to vent to that will support you 100%, but at the same time not trash your h (family is generally not good at this because they hate it when you are in pain). Take care of yourself and become the best you can be. Make your home a safe place for your h to come to. Let the ow be the one to do the love busting