Hi everyone. I haven't posted for many months, so some may remember me, others won't. Anyway, my H. moved out, I discovered the EA was a lot more than that, it ended upon my discovery, and we have been struggling ever since. He has given up notice on his unit, and will move home permanently soon. For me, the biggest problem is not coming to terms with his unfaithfulness, I've had plenty of time to work on that, but on the fact that he:<P>*Was not the one to end the relationship - he fought against that so much<P>*He has told me that if she came to him in a couple of years, the connection between them is too great, and he would leave<P>*He knows I love him, but says he has only once, in 16 years together, ever felt really connected with me in the way he does all the time with her<P>*He does not know if the love he feels for me is enough for him (he has such a huge love for her, that even if they can't be together, thats the love he wants to share with someone, and it is just not what he feels for me)<P>*He tells me he gets frustrated and angry sometimes because I just don't "get" him<P>*he tells me I am a wonderful person, good at loving people, perhaps just not right for him, he just never had the insight or courage to admit it before<P>*He does say that he wants to feel for me the way he does for her, but feels he never will, and I will have to accept that. Accept that he will never love ANYONE like he loves her.<P>We don't argue, we laugh and cry together, we spend lots of recreational time together and have fun, we hold each other and make love .... but I wonder all the time if he is just putting it all aside and "getting on with it" and whether it will affect us always ....<P>Is any relationship really worth the feeling of insecurity all the time? For how long should I accept these conditions before he has another affair, or decides it just isn't enough for him. I am giving, giving, giving and not getting much in return .... he says he can't give much - it's almost like - because I know how he feels, it's ok, and I have to accept that if I want him in my life. <P>Is it worth accepting a relationship under those conditions? I look at him when he sleeps at night and wonder what he is really feeling and thinking..... I guess I know pretty well, but I'm really unsure where it fits into our life. <P>All the times I have felt really connected with him, he says are just to do with the things which are happening at the time - ie. when our babies were born and I felt such an intense connection with him, he says he felt intense feelings, but for what was happening, not for me. He felt that intensity of connection with her so much ...they are so similar in the way they think and process things, I will never match that.<P>Sounds a bit confused, but I am really confused myself, I go around and around in circles wondering if this man will ever love me enough for him to feel content, or am I just wasting my love? Also, the kids have got really used to him being here full time again, even though he has yet to move all his stuff back, and, after the confusion of the last year, I'm not sure if they could handle him leaving again. He is intensely emotional and a deep thinker , and won't be able to stay disconnected from his feelings for very long .... <P>I'm scared about the future ... I could handle it now if he said he had changed him mind, but not sure if I could go through that all in 6 mths time again. I give and give, but feel like he is content, not happy ... but I don't think he will ever really be happy again in the same way he was with her. His depression swings in and out as well .... Thanks for letting me ramble away my confusion

It's ok to pour it out here and I can understand your feelings.<P>Are you guys going to counselling? It may help. Remember his feelings for OW AND his feelings about you are all tied up in the fantasy of the affair thing. I went through the "I never loved you like this" thing, too. Now it's "You're the ONLY woman I've ever REALLY loved." Big difference, huh?<P>You BOTH have a tremendous amount of power here. You can affect the changes you want, you just have to live through this crap first. Hang in there and keep doing the things that work. You can make it happen if you believe....it CAN happen.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sosad}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>(some extra hugs to get you through the tough times!)<P>Lori

How long have you been WORKING on the marriage together? They say that after the affair will come the withdrawal, so it sounds like that is what he is going through and that eventually the WP regrets saying all of the hateful things during the fantasy. Sorry that I can't be of more help. But the WS always uses the "I am not in love with you, it's different with her", blah, blah, blah! Just keep Plan A going.

Hi So Sad,<P> What your H is saying is typical....the feelings are so intense and all judgements are clouded. My H said the same things....and it is a horrible feeling to feel second best , the consolation prize. I know how you feel about the insecurity about him going off again.....<P>With that said ,we have been in recovery 8-9mos.(H only came back for kids)and it has been very rough BUT I am now seeing the H I used to know....his feelings and actions are changing for the better, he actually said that"it is hard to find a good woman" and looked at me intently.He's much more affectionate and he can't believe some of the things he said.<P>It is definitely worth a try but be aware of what withdrawl will bring....it's not fun but if you can get through that the rewards are great.Hang in there SoSAd, there is hope, I know I hampered recovery by my own anger, LB etc.....you sound alot more in control(so maybe it won't take as long)....LU

I am asking myself the same questions. ANd my H is not even living here. It appears that this "thing" began in Nov. following a 10 day business trip. <P>H. moved out in Feb. I am trying plan A. but I am starting to wear thin. This is mainly due to my kids.<P>My H also has a "connection" with the OP. It is a very intense EA in which he has defended her over me and the kids.<P>It's been bad enough to hear the things that I have heard about our relationship, but what he is doing to the kids self-esteem is the worst.<P>My 11 y.o. is in counseling. She and her dad were very close. She has withdrawn from friends and her grades are going down. She has dropped out of some activities. She sleeps with me.<P>OUr son, who has tried to be perfect these past 6 weeks, lost it the other night when his dad yelled at him for no reason. My kids do not get it.<P>My H is on some higher intellctual level with his "connection" with the OP and he can't seem to understand these "bratty" kids anymore.<P>I've just about had it. I'm not sure it is worth it due to the cost to the children. He has told himself and others so many lies I don't know how he can possibly get himself out of this.<P>Unfortunatly, I am doing a spring break thing with him that we had planned prior to this "event". After that, for the protection of my children I am going to plan B and making him follow a schedule instead of coming and going as he please, breaking their hearts with his impatience and indifference.<P>Children deserve better, and I am going to find it for them. I am at the point of letting him fall on his face himself. <P>He can find them and go into counseling with them if he ever comes to his senses!!!!!!<P>I have had a week of listening to him find fault with these kids, whose only crime has been to love him unconditionally.<P>Too bad for them that he has found "the meaning of life and pure love".....and it is not them!!!!!!!!

It sounds alot like withdrawl to me. Be patient, plan a him to death, enjoy each others company, expect him to be very moody, etc. I know you will be fine. In time your issues will get resolved. <P><P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Thanks so much everyone for the support.<P>Lostva - we have both been going to individual counselling for almost a year. Him to try to work out how to accept his loss of her and understand what it is that draws him to her so much, and me to try to find a way through all the confusion (He revealed EA in April 99, moved out Sept, started making moves to come back into my life in Dec, then discovery late Dec of PA, which had actually been going on the whole time, he just wasn't up front with me.) I supposedly found them on their "farewell night". We have been talking very openly and trying to sort things out ever since. I so much want to believe in withdrawal having a time limit, and the fantasy aspect, but having talked deeply with him over and over about everything, I'm beginning to wonder if they really would have been one of the success stories had she chosen to leave her husband for him. I have talked to my cousellor about joint counselling, but we decided that because my H and I are gaining so much understanding ourselves, that going to couselling together, which would entail finding a new cousellor (ethically neither cousellor would take us both on after individually counselling each of us for so long)and reliving, from the very beginning again everything we have already processed and gained understanding from, would probably be more detrimental than positive. We have no problem talking and finding deep understanding about things together - in fact maybe some of my feelings stem from understanding him and his needs too well, and wondering whether I really will ever be enough for him :-(<P>TT4G - Thankyou for your thoughts. We have been working on our marriage together, day in, day out for 4 months ... I truly don't believe the strength of feeling he has for her and what he shared with her has moved at all ... in fact, I believe he has gained a great understanding of what draws him to her and insight into himself, and there is a sad but strong belief that I will never fulfil that place he has let her touch, even if she "moves out of there"<BR>Lu - I too see the husband I used to know, however he tells me that is not the "real" him ... he is therefore not himself and calm ... he believes he has never shown the real him to anyone but her, and he can only be that with her because of the understanding, communication and connection they have. So when things are feeling great to me, he says they are not to him, because he is being / doing what he feels he SHOULD do ... that I have never understood the real him ... he never did either until he met her , and he was able to be whom he felt was really him ...that's why he is grieving her loss so much, as he feels he has lost a part of himself he never touched before she came along, and that he doesn't feel connected to when he is with me, no matter how good everything else is.<P>too trusting - My husband has never rejected the kids, in fact, his only rejection was of me, which made it harder to believe he was in a fantasy world. I did find it easier to deal with when I had minimal contact with him late last year, for my own sanity, so I hope you find yourself some peace soon.<P>Viki - thanks for your caring.<P>Perhaps I have gained too much insight, and it scares me ... There doesn't seem to be too much of the fantasy here ... only a real understanding of why he is drawn to her so much, and perhaps it is something we will never share. I am scared to open myself up to being hurt all over again, but realise that only by taking one day at a time and seeing what happens will we ever really know. Earlier in the year, I was feeling strong, but now, as time goes on, I feel more vulnerable and am not sure if I could cope with him ending our relationship again.