I've not posted for a week, and feel it's time to do an update about the situation. My wife apparently seems to have decided to leave me, and the only reason why she hasn't done so yet is because she wants to make arrangements for the 2 kids (2+6) first. She is staying some days each week at her parents house, but she comes back now and then and sleeps here as well. But there can be no doubt that it's only for the kids. I've refused to move out of the house since I've done everything in my power to get a chance to save our marriage, but she doesn't seem like she wants to try. I think the problem is the OM (her boss) which has waited for her now since christmas. They have had a lot of contact and sort of an affair, but it hasn't become very physical yet. However, I think she now feels that she has lost her love for me (it's been like that several times the recent years she tells me) and and that her boss is the person that can make her happy for the rest of her life. That's why I don't think she wants to work on the marriage. I've tried many things during discussions but I've probably been LB'ing mostly since I've been saying things like "think of the children" etc. Recent weeks I've managed to calm down and tried to do PLAN A. I've tried to minimize the amount of LBs and tried to meet her emotional needs. However, this is quite difficult since she is very cold towards me when she's around me. Only seldom is she willing to have a conversation with me. She seems to be trying to push me away from her emotionally by being rude and cold. It's quite hurting but I'm trying to swallow it (but it's very irritating and the LBs are not far away in those situations). She also seems to be irritated because I refuse to move out of the house every other week (so that she can be alone here with the 2 kids). I guess this is LBing, but should I pave the way for her to split up? As far as I've heard it's much easier to PLAN A when still around spouse and if we take turns living in the house we will never see eachother. I desperately want to stop her before she gets too intimate with her boss. If that happens an iron curtain will probably fall before me and make me not want her back. So it seems like I'm running out of time and I could really need some feedback now to try to encourage me to go on.<P>BTW: I caught her dating the OM on Sunday. I was probably LBing but I couldn't help it. We didn't argue over it, but it seems like she's mad at me for catching her.<P>I'm still waiting for my SAA book (overseas delivery from Amazon) so if anyone wants to tell me something from the book I should know about now then please do so.<P>I gave her a letter yesterday which I wanted her to read in private. In it was a long text (10 pages) in which I expressed my feelings for her, listed the good times we've had together, told her what we could do to fix things, listed my faults and what I would do to fix them etc. etc. I hope it was a positive thing to do, but I guess the following days will tell.<P>It seems like we're in an endless loop where I just wait for her to take action, and she waits for me to agree to move out of the house every other week. We don't talk that much about our problems now either since we used to have some bad discussion previously (angry outburst, demands, disrespect). Discussions are much better now but also more seldom, and I don't seem to be able to get out of the deadlock. She wants to split up and I want a chance to save it.<P>Any help appreciated!

I don't know the case law in your area, you should quietly see an attorney to see what your options are. IF I was in your place (I was), and I had positive proof that it was her employer/supervisor who was the OM (I did), I would...as a last resort, of course (and without ANY warning)...file a civil suit against both the people involved and the company (or agency) involved. Yes, this is a HUGE lovebuster, in my case there was no longer any love to bust, I had reached the point where I would not take her back for any reason. Hopefully, you won't get to that point....but if you do, it feels really GOOD when a judge looks them square in the eye and refuses their request to have the case dismissed....<P>------------------<BR>

You should read "Divorce Busting". I seems to me that all your efforts can have an opposite effect. I am in the similar situation, W has an affair for 5 months with married co-worker. She told me about 2 months ago and wants to divorce. The OM is married with children and I believe that his wife dosen't know about the affair. Initially, I desperately tried to reason with W to save our marriage and stay for the sake of kids (12 and 10). It all had an opposite effect. She was becaming colder and more distant, I also refused to move out and that worsen situation even further. However, after reading "Divorce busting" I change tactics to 180, and that seems to start working. We can communicate better and she is not that cold. I also decided to move out and give her "space". In the meantime I concentrate on myself and try to find happines within. I know it is terribly hard, but is working for me. Try to do anything you like to take your mind away from the problem and calm down the emotions, it will prevent many LBs. Maybe when you stop pursuing her so desparately she will come around.

Scandinavian:<P>One of the hardest and most necessary things to do is to not try too hard. Sometimes LBs creep in as "smothering" when all we have are good intentions.<P>Your letter sounds well thought out. If I were you I would encourage her to express what she sees as things you both could do to fix things. You said you mentioned your faults and I think that was a good segueway for her to bring up things she would like to discuss. I'm sure you are already thinking of this, but be careful not to make it sound like you have all the answers. Let her know that you value her opinions and that you DON'T have all the answers. <P>I also agree with you that it's not time for you to move out of the house. By staying there you have built-in chances to talk. Just stay cool.<P>This next may be hard to hear. She may have already gotten intimate with her boss. You must face this possibility and ask yourself if you would still want to try if it were true. Marriages can be saved even after full blown affairs, but you must decide if that is right for you.<P>Life isn't going to get easy any time soon, but you can get through this.<P>Best wishes to you.

Thanks for the replies. It helps me a lot. The only problem is that I'm still confused since some say "stay in the house" while others say "move out and give your wife space". It's not easy to decide on what's best. I feel that it helps a lot against depression to have a clear view of how I want to go about trying to prevent this from happening. But now I'm still confused. Mixing Harleys PLAN A/B with DBs 180 seems difficult also, or maybe the 2 ways are not contradictory?<P>