I am writing to get some advise about my H. He is going through withdrawal and it doesn't seem he is handling it the best way. Hoping those of you who have experienced it yourselves can shed some light on this for me.<P>I asked him if he missed her and he said sometimes which is probably putting it politely for my benefit, I realize this. Then when I asked if he found it was getting harder or easier he replied by saying he didn't really know because he doesn't let himself think about it.<P>He insists he hasn't called her and at this point it has been 4 weeks since he last spoke to her which was not on his terms but on mine so it wasn't a loving departure. I know he had some regret that he couldn't say goodbye "his way" but insists that it is fine by him now, that he doesn't need the closure if I'm not willing. And I'm not.<P>He still loves her more than me, whatever "love" means to him right now. He does want to make our marriage work but we haven't gone down that path yet with the counselor. He is going to a counselor at my insistance not because he agrees with the idea but the counselor does feel that he is sincerely trying to work through this.<P>All the signs are seemingly positive but I have this nagging thought that if he buries he head and his heart in his work and ignores what he is feeling, that time will pass and we'll still be where we are now. <P>Shouldn't there be some kind of "feeling" in withdrawal where he is having to deal with the craving of wanting her but not acting on it. <P>I've gone through withdrawal before when I tried to quit smoking so I have some kind of clue as to the struggle though I don't know about emotional withdrawal which is what my H is having to deal with right now. But with the addiction I had, I felt it all the time and it was a constant and conscious effort to NOT light up a cigarette.<P>I realize he may not be explaining completely how it is he is feeling for fear of hurting me more. But based on what he has said, I feel like if he continues "ignoring" these feelings he has, he is just prolonging the inevitable...at some point he WILL end up feeling it and if it is 6 months from now or a year, all this time spent ignoring it has been for nothing. But what is the alternative? Is "ignoring" it the answer to dealing with this kind of withdrawal? Is that what he needs to do...keep busy, keep himself occupied mentally and physically? What more could he do?<P>We don't live near the woman. The relationship lasted two years and has been by telephone only so that's the only habit he has to break. But it's everything between them, you know? So this is kind of an all or nothing situation. There is no weaning him off of her because all they ever had was one thing..the telephone.<P>Sure am anxious for some thoughts on this. I'm growing more and more nervous by the moment! Thanks for all your help in advance!

I'm not the betrayer, but it sounds to me like your H is doing fine. He is distracting himself from dwelling on her, while trying to rebuild with you...pretty much what my H did, (although he had very tough time not thinking of her.). Not all betrayers have the same dgree of emotional attachment to the OP either...<P>I'll be interested to see other replies.<P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi

I'm a betrayer and this is what I think. Your husband is well on recovery and working his butt off to make your marriage work. I think you'll be fine. And remember, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder....it makes you forget!

WOW! I'm shocked at what I'm reading here! I really thought this was one of those things that ignoring it did more harm than good. <P>I'm still interested in hearing what other experiences people have had so I hope to get more feedback but for now, I can breathe a tad bit easier.<P>Thank you both for your input on this!

AS the betrayer....<P>It is definetly better to find something else to occupy your mind with other than the OP. BUT, as I have found out, as time does go on, I find I miss OM, and then because I haven't dwelled on it, i feel the obsession to call. to write. to visit.<P>MY attitude stinks here in withdrawal. I have been trying to give up all thought to OM, but, I find myself in the same boat, different day. I find that I am grouchy, touchy, B*****, hell on wheels when I am fighting the urge to contact.<P>I hate to be the one to make suspicions but it almost sounds like he is still in contact. I mean the even steven of his attitude. I could be wrong, but keep your eyes open.<P>In talking to a friend who did get counseling for this same situation, the couselor said that by bringing everything into the open, the secreets were no longer secrets, and they could be worked on. Does that make sense?<P>My H wanted to know if the OM was good in bed. I wouldn't even have the discussion because that was something i was holding special to me. IT was great. But, today i was able to tell him this and wouldn't you know, it took some of the glow off of it. does that makes sense?<P>Communication is very important. I did listen to a program of Dr. H and there was a question on internet affairs. His point was, you cannot get to really know a person to really know if you are in love with them if you have never actually met them. It is a fantasy world.(so are all affairs). <P>Has this been helpful? Feel free to ask more if i didn't make sense> <P>Mercy

Is There Hope?-<P>He seems to be really trying from what you have written. And also you are "Hanging In" there and are trying your best too! You seem to be very patient and calm and truly wanting to re-build and want to minimize any "Love Busting" As the betrayer, I only wish my ex-mate would of stopped to ask and reflect more about the questions and issues that you have raised, during our short window of recovery period. So if it has not been said, your husband is a lucky man to have a woman who is trying to help build a path to help you both find the way back to your relationship. Remind him of your goal…later he will see just how lucky he really is!<P>Also, look at all the stuff on MB that speaks to recovery, building trust, open & honest communication and POJA for additional help that can for sure assist you too!<P>While you were not the cause of your husbands' behavior, this type of event really does cause us all to look at our "Relationship" with our partner with a new and hopefully more objective view.<P>He may not be telling you the parts of the relationship that he misses with the OW since they may be hurtful to bring up with you and yet are still issues or items that he still feels frustrated about and may have felt are/were missing in your relationship. (Only the two of you can answer those types of issues) You may want to ask yourself about the issues in your marriage before that may have been present prior to the beginning of his EA and...could you jointly talk and communicate about them? The Emotional Needs questionnaire was a great tool for me and gave me a way to try and put my feelings together...but the anger, resentment and vindictive punishment that became an ongoing part of her post discovery behavior really all but killed any hope to really recover and re-build. You seem to have a great opportunity to grow and build from where you both are at.<P>So...make him aware (as I'm sure you have) that while he is clearly responsible for his actions and the EA, that you also realize that there is room to "Build" on your relationship and make it better than ever…but it will take a lot of hard work. Maybe if he feels an opportunity may exist at some point in time which allows you both to examine the emotional needs/areas of your marriage with the goal being that you both can try to first acknowledge the areas you each have felt needed attention and...to also try to understand each others point-of-view…hopefully can help you both improve...that could possibly make his withdrawal a bit easier and he may see that your intent is not to focus a lot on his past behavior but to try and start looking at what you both can do to better meet each others emotional needs.<P>Consider asking him if he would or could talk with you about his "Feelings" for the OW as to help you understand and heal. He no doubt understands how painful this has been for you but he may be reluctant to hurt you by talking about the past. Ask him if it would be helpful to do this before your counselor since it is important to you as part of your healing path.<P>Best of success to you, I hope this has helped you a little.<P>mrrlk<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mercy:<BR><B>AS the betrayer....<P>It is definetly better to find something else to occupy your mind with other than the OP. BUT, as I have found out, as time does go on, I find I miss OM, and then because I haven't dwelled on it, i feel the obsession to call. to write. to visit.<P>MY attitude stinks here in withdrawal. I have been trying to give up all thought to OM, but, I find myself in the same boat, different day. I find that I am grouchy, touchy, B*****, hell on wheels when I am fighting the urge to contact.<P>I hate to be the one to make suspicions but it almost sounds like he is still in contact. I mean the even steven of his attitude. I could be wrong, but keep your eyes open.<P>In talking to a friend who did get counseling for this same situation, the couselor said that by bringing everything into the open, the secreets were no longer secrets, and they could be worked on. Does that make sense?<P>My H wanted to know if the OM was good in bed. I wouldn't even have the discussion because that was something i was holding special to me. IT was great. But, today i was able to tell him this and wouldn't you know, it took some of the glow off of it. does that makes sense?<P>Communication is very important. I did listen to a program of Dr. H and there was a question on internet affairs. His point was, you cannot get to really know a person to really know if you are in love with them if you have never actually met them. It is a fantasy world.(so are all affairs). <P>Has this been helpful? Feel free to ask more if i didn't make sense> <P>Mercy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mercy:<P>Since you fought the urge to contact, how did you treat your h? I am curious because we are going through the same thing. It has been eight weeks since contact and D-Day and we have talked about alot of things they shared, in fact he told me about everything he could think of within the first week to come clean and not have any secrets. He anwsered all my questions, even if I did't like the answer, which was most of the time. <P>How are you doing now and how are things with your H?<P>Thx<BR>Bighope<P>

Is there hope: As with any other loss, there is a grieving period. Despite what you call it, to him it is a loss. Whether he chooses to ignore it in his own fashion (which really isn't ignoring, it's keeping so busy as to not think about it at present or until later)or dealing with it in the form of withdrawal symptoms. Very similar to the person trying to quit smoking. The withdrawal or grieving period must be dealt with in order for him/her to go to the next phase of their healing. All this does take time and in this case, patience of the betrayed. I am sorry to add the latter since you've been through so much as it is. Your spouse, as time passes and no contact with the OP, will eventually heal and realize that that kind of love was doing more harm than good. He will feel the weight of the stress involved slowly lifting as he further concentrates on you and his home life making it easier for him to relax. He will suffer from depression and possibly anger, but again as time passes these should fade. He does need to see a counselor even if only as a sounding board. It may help if he hears himself and what pain this relationship has cause everyone concerned. Hang in there. Remember that you also have to care for yourself. Don't let yourself get dragged down. Believe it or not, like it or not, you are the only one with strength carrying not only your emotions, but your spouse's as well. Much luck to you and my prayers to you and your family.

Is there hope:<P>Today,(i posted, i wrote the letter), I made a very big decision. TO not contact the OM any more. I felt this rush of love and affection for my H that i hadn't been able to feel in the longest time. I am not saying the hard part is over, but I can say we are headed into recovery(praise God). BUt, my treatment of my H was awful. Some days it was good most of it was bad. I confessed today that i have had constant contact with Om up until as recent as yesterday. I told him everything we discuss ect. I feel finally like there is hope. Now, i plan to use posting to help keep from contacting OM. I will also keep in constant communication with my H to keep from calling. <P>How am I doing now? Great tonight! I feel great, we, as a family went swimming and then to pizza hut. What a nice memory. My H and I were able to touch and talk with no resentment, or anger. I have been able to smile and feel good about the future! Read my last post of (i wrote the letter). It has made the world of difference. I hope I can keep up the positiveness of my attitude. I know now i do want my H and my family. <P>Good Luck..<BR>Mercy

Mercy<P>Just read your post in this thread, as well as the one you began about "I wrote the letter". I'm really very happy for you and your enthusiasm with your decision. My H made the same decision but not at all with the enthusiasm you seem to have. I'm very happy to read this and no doubt your family is happy as well.<P>Please do use this forum to post and for support. I have found that it is very helpful to me and from what it appears, to quite a few others. Many counselors do not have personal experience in infidelity and that is where this forum really takes up for the counselor's shortcomings...thank God but still, it's not very helpful when they lack experience! LOL<P>Stay strong and know there will certainly be highs and lows and really big lows that lie ahead...but never give up Mercy. Nothing worth having comes easy...and that which does, probably isn't worth having.<P>Your in my prayers as is your family! Good for you and the best of luck!

For all of you who have taken such great efforts to reply to my inquiry, I thank you for your support and input. I have printed out what has been shared and have decided to read over it regulary to support me when I can't get online, which is most of the day!<P>My H and I have been very open about his feelings for the OW and towards me. Though I realize he is not dealing with reality here (fantasy indeed!) to him it is very real and watching him suffer is really very depressing for me...that he thinks he is losing so much when what he is losing isn't even real.<P>Your insights and thoughts help to keep me grounded and from running wild with fear. I thank you all for your thoughts, from the bottom of my heart. And if there is still more to come, more thoughts from any interested persons, I will be more than happy to absorb it all!

For all of you who have taken such great efforts to reply to my inquiry, I thank you for your support and input. I have printed out what has been shared and have decided to read over it regulary to support me when I can't get online, which is most of the day!<P>My H and I have been very open about his feelings for the OW and towards me. Though I realize he is not dealing with reality here (fantasy indeed!) to him it is very real and watching him suffer is really very depressing for me...that he thinks he is losing so much when what he is losing isn't even real.<P>Your insights and thoughts help to keep me grounded and from running wild with fear. I thank you all for your thoughts, from the bottom of my heart. And if there is still more to come, more thoughts from any interested persons, I will be more than happy to absorb it all!

For all of you who have taken such great efforts to reply to my inquiry, I thank you for your support and input. I have printed out what has been shared and have decided to read over it regulary to support me when I can't get online, which is most of the day!<P>My H and I have been very open about his feelings for the OW and towards me. Though I realize he is not dealing with reality here (fantasy indeed!) to him it is very real and watching him suffer is really very depressing for me...that he thinks he is losing so much when what he is losing isn't even real.<P>Your insights and thoughts help to keep me grounded and from running wild with fear. I thank you all for your thoughts, from the bottom of my heart. And if there is still more to come, more thoughts from any interested persons, I will be more than happy to absorb it all!