My husband has recently moved to another state to be with the new love of his life. He will be coming back to maintain visitation with his daughter (from a prev. marriage) and will probably stay at our house.<P>I find it very hard to speak to him when he is with OW in their new home but am okay when he is here, mostly. The hard part is he calls OW constantly while here. I have asked that he take the calls outside out of courtesy. He does so.<P>However, my question is how long should I be patient for him to work through this? Many others tell me to file for divorce and get over it. I feel that it is worthwhile to me to fix the marriage - that I can deal with an affair - but I don't know how long I should wait or if there are key behaviours I should watch for...I still love him with all my heart. He is my true love. He even says he loves me still - just that he loves her differently and (I guess) more. Hmph.<P>Anyone going through this - your advice would be very much appreciated.

It is hard to say how long you should work on this. Only you will know when you need to move on. Steve Harley recommends 2 years.<P>How long has the affair been going on? Are you in counceling with your H? If not will he go? There are 2 books that may help you.<P>Surviving an affair by Steve Harley, and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. They will both give you some insight into how to get through this and some possible courses of action.<P>Hope this helps.<BR>acacia

Welcome <B>Unhinged</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>It sounds like you are in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... i.e. you still have love for your H!<BR>A "typical" (if there is such a thing) is around 6 months....<P>Most faithful spouses hit a point (around 6 months) where they see their love emptying out of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for their spouse...<BR>...and as a <B>true</B> fianl resort... they can move to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>Read all you can on the MB sites... (start at my welcome message<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome Message</A>)<P>Do get...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Once you have a better understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>... check out my posts at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>I hope it helps...<BR>You are not alone... <P> <P>Jim<P>Jim

How long am I willing to wait? I will never say those vows to another man for as long as I live. I meant them - every word - and will mean them till I die. I know that sounds melodramatic but that is the kind of person I am. I have not always been a decent person in my life, learned hard lessons early and now live as best I can.<P>I am not sure Plan A is possible at this time and so, I am in a sort of PlanAB, I suppose. I just have a feeling in my heart that this new relationship cannot last. (The affair started via email in the last yeaar but wasn't hot and heavy until Jan/Feb. and they were together for the first time at the end of Feb. He moved there about 1.5 weeks ago.) While I do not wish to just bide my time waiting on him, I have no desire to divorce. I want him to discover whatever he needs to in this relationship. If this is truly that meaningful to him, in my love for him, I cannot deny him the chance. <P>God, I know this all sounds so foolish but...this is the only way I know how to love. And even though the pain is beyond what I thought I could stand, and even though I have never felt as alone and as small and weak as I feel now, I want to let him run. I want him to see what the world is like without me. And that means taking the chance that he won't come back. I have to believe it's worth it...<P>I cannot demand that he leave her now and come back. We never had therapy as he left very shortly after telling me about it. He ensured there would be no chance for me to speak with him about it. He had made up his mind and did what he wanted. All I can do is wait and see.<P>I have good days and bad days - today, he was constantly in my mind. Some days, I can make it through an entire hour without a reminder. But mostly I am waiting. For a sign, for anything...And I do not want to make it sound as though I couldn't move on. If life demands it, I will divorce. But I will never love another person as I love him. And that's a hard thing to fit into a broken heart. But I know it as truth. And perhaps that is why it hurts so much. I assume it is also understandable that I also hate him for doing this to me. To us.<P>You see, I was going to really start working on us - I had quit my job, I was going to ask him to go to therapy with me or at least to help me with my own...I suppose it's all a matter of poor timing. If I'd done it a few months earlier, I might have prevented the whole thing. That's a thought I don't like to consider.<P>Anyway, I know this is disjointed and confusing but - I still have trouble putting things together. Still in shock, in a way, I think. As I told him, I am broken. And I have no idea how to put myself back together. So I just go from one day to the next and try to maintain hope. But I don't know how it will be to see him again. I ache to see him but I don't want him to see me cry. I want to be strong. But my soul yearns to touch him, to smell him...do you know I still worry if he's all right? Is that insane or what?

Unhinged,<P>I found MB about 5 months after my D-Day...<BR>... and like you I had virtually the exact same feelings...<P>Your words posted here bring back memories in such an eary way.<P>You say...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...I will never say those vows to another man (woman)for as long as I live...<BR>...I just have a feeling in my heart that this new relationship cannot last...<BR>...I want him(her) to discover whatever he(she) needs to in this relationship...<BR>...I want him(her) to see what the world is like without me...<BR>...But I will never love another person as I love him(her)...<BR>...do you know I still worry if he's(she's) all right?...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It took me two to two and a half months of solid posting and reading on the forum to come to this conclusion... that you say with words... <B>...And that means taking the chance that he won't come back. I have to believe it's worth it</B><P>I finally accepted the inner truth that when I follow this path specified very clearly by the Harley's... my prayers are no longer for my W to come back!!!!<BR>But to accept God's will...<P>I think you are getting closer to this <B>hard, VERY hard</B>realization.<P>As you move closer...<BR>...do consider a more difficult kind of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... make it more pure...<P>Many had tried their own kind of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> or Plan AB...<P>Maybe consider contacting the Harley's for counseling... They can give you more reasons for more pure versions of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>!<P>You are <B>most</B> certainly NOT alone!<P>I share your pain my sister. <P>Jim