Just a question to all out there that might have gone through this or for betrayers who have left OP.<P>Is it best to tell OW personally? <BR>Should H just pack up and leave when she is not home and leave goodbye letter?<BR>What kind of letter should he leave?<P>My H left her before by just walking out and leaving note. I find out he left wrong kind of note by saying he will miss her. He ended up back with her, but wants to come home to me.<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks

Because I am just naturally mean-spirited, I say "just leave". IMO, the OP deserves NOTHING, because he or she has already taken everything precious from the marriage anyway and does not deserve any kind of explanation or apology. They should apologize to you.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip...Thanks for your response<P>I totally agree with just leaving and that OP does not deserve an explanation or sympathy. Problem is my H is the one that is struggling with this. As far as I am concerned he should get his "you know what" home this minute.

As you probably know, i have not given the letter to Om, but i will. I just do not want to have contact with him. Especially physical contact. could be bad for all concerned. <P>Here is a rough copy of my letter.<P> <BR>Dear OM,(real name ommitted due to the protection of the innocent LOL)<P> I am writing this to you to tell you that the relationship we have had for the last two years is over. We destroyed your marriage and family and i cannot let it destroy mine. <BR>WE have hurt the people in our lives very badly. It has destroyed our lives.<BR>I will no longer have any contact with you. NO phone calls no visits no letters.<P>So here I leave you with this letter. I wish you so much luck in your life with your kids and I hope that you someday find love that is kind, trustworthy and respectful.<P> Gina<P><BR>I am not sure if that was the right way to right it but I did it. It was the best beginning to an end I have ever felt!<P>Mercy<BR> <P><BR>

Well no doubt Pinky, you are going to think I am nuts as I am one who has been betrayed multiple times...but I disagree with him exiting without SOME sort of explanation.<P>I realize the OP is very much wrong for her part in this affair. Without question. But reality is, she too is going to suffer if she cares about him at all. Reality is, he didn't hurt just you but he is hurting her as well. <P>I do not believe that the OW in my H's life is responsible to me for the decision my H made to have an affair with her. You may disagree with this. But ultimately, it is he who is married to me, not her, and she was simply the tool by which he was able to carry out his actions and hurt me, though it was not his conscious intention to do so. Though she is still very wrong for her part in the behavior, she was not and never has been responsible to me. It was him all along and he alone.<P>I think the best way for him to say goodbye to her, if that is what he is trying to do, is to do it the way that he is most comfortable. In my H's case he literally could not decide how which may be your H's case. I ended up scripting the lines for him which did not include anything other than factual statements, much like Mercy's letter...how people have been hurt and so the relationship is wrong and must come to an end. Their relationship was all by phone given they live in different countries so he read it to her by phone.<P>Think of it this way, if he sneaks out quietly, she will always be left wondering and tempted to find out what happened and may even follow through on it. A clean break will not be given by not confronting her. <P>I think if you really want her out of your lives, once and for all, she has to be told it is over. That is your best chance. The OW in my H's life has not called even once and it has been one month. (Keep a good thought right!)<P>Much luck to you!

Thanks for your replies. <P>I really like the letter that Mercy posted. That is the way it should be. <P>My husband is afraid of hurting her and he keeps dragging this out. He now realizes that for him and myself to work successfully on our marriage that he can never have contact with her again. It must be that final goodbye he is so afraid of. He tells me he doesn't hate her and finds it hard to hurt her. I do not expect him to ever hate her, but she does need to be told that the ones he loves and who love him are hurt and the right thing to do is to fix it.<P>He still loves me and I am not even sure if he loves her, but I think that he should mention this to her even though he doesn't run around town declaring his love for me. It is real hard for him to say he loves me.<P>Thanks again

The others have given you good advice. I concur with Is there Hope regarding the responsibility for the affair. I feel that my H, and him alone, is the one responsible for him having an affair. He could have said "no", but chose not to. I don't know if the OW was hurt by the letter my H sent her or not, but there has be no contact since.<P>His letter was short, and to the point. The content was that he realized that their affair was a mistake, He realized that his family meant more to him than her, he was sorry for his mistakes, loved me and our son, and wanted to work our marriage out. That was it. It was mailed to her. If he felt bad about hurting her, he's never mentioned it to me. <P>I don't think telling the OW personally is a good thing to do because the less contact with the OP the better.

Pinky,<BR>Wow, you and I could be one person as I have heard exactly the same thing from my H. He keeps telling me that he is 'going to get her out of his life forever' but the "going to" part is very hard for him. I too hear that he does not want to hurt her, and I would like to scream at him well what about the hurt you have caused your W and kids? He keeps telling me that they have not done anything to hurt each other, boy that is a hard one to take,talk about fantasyland. They have hurt everyone that they claimed to care about and in turn are miserable but of course they are not hurting each other! <P>I too have wondered how he will end it...I am afraid that it will be some emotional 'I will love you forever' type thing that just gives reason to believe that the relationship could continue, instead of a simple I have hurt my family and your family, and I don't want to do that. Instead I want to work on my marriage and you cannot be a part of my life anymore in any way. And I also feel that it should be done in the form of a letter written by the both of us. I don't know, it is the uncertainty at this point that is very hard to deal with.

I think that your H should write the OW a "no contact" letter. You should see this letter and make sure that everything that he writes is approved by you before he sends it to her.<P>When a OP gets involved with a married person....they know exactly what they are getting into. <P>Therefore, they don't deserve any kind of explanation other than that betrayer is going back to who he has the committment with.<P>A "no contact" letter is courteous and sufficient enough.<P>

<I>Is it best to tell OW personally? </I><P>What works best for you and your husband? It may give you a sense of closure to know that your husband at least had the decency to personally tell the OW that he was leaving, and why. If your husband is denied this, he may feel compelled to contact the OW again out of guilt. So it is probably in your best interests to have the affair ended personally. <P>HTH<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I think I would go with the letter and have it mailed. I have no personal experience with this. Other than the first time my h tried to end it with the ow, he called her and she cried and it broke his heart. <P>Well, he says he is moving back home Friday. I told him not to tell her he is leaving. I told him to just come home. I told him I would help him write her a letter and we will send it together. I am going to follow the letter in the SAA book. That is if we make it to Friday and he actually makes it home. I just saw him tonight though and he said see you Friday when he left.<P>I think that if they go to tell the op in person that it is over, it gives the other person an opportunity to try and make them stay. Who wants that to happen? I sure don't! I just want my husband back home so we can start working on making our marriage stronger and better than ever before!<P>Go with the letter! Then have your phone number changed and unlisted! I am seriously thinking about doing that. I have no idea how the ow is going to react when she finds out my h has moved out. Provided he actually goes through with moving out. He seems pretty committed to doing it though!<P>I have got to go to bed!<P>Woozy