Jill, <BR>Just wanted to let you know that in my case both sets of parents, and the siblings know of the affair. This was not the easiest thing in the world to do, but they have been absolutely invaluable in offering us support to get us back on track. A little embarassment and dissappointment is the con. A dozen guardian angels is the pro.<P>

Hi.<P>Well, now I know I'm not completely NUTS. Now I know that I'm not just imagining that I'm being ignored by my husband.<P>We had company last night -- friends came over to watch the basketball game. During a commercial when no one was talking or watching the game, I asked my husband, "What would you like to drink? Would you like water, Sprite or a fruit juice?" My husband just sat there as if he heard nothing. I repeated my question twice more. I was so embarrassed -- the room was completely quiet except for the TV commercials. My friend's husband finally asked, "Are you EVER going to answer Jill? She's asked you three times what you want to drink and you're just sitting there." Then, my friend said, "I was just sitting here wondering the same thing...are you going to answer her, or are you going to sit there?" Finally, my husband mumbled, "Water."<P>I was so humiliated. I was on the brink of tears.<P>This morning, my husband tried to hug me and I said, "I'm sorry, but I really do not want a hug from you right now." He said, "What did I do? I just got out of bed. How can you possibly be mad at me already?" I said, "That's really my fault. I went to bed angry with you and I shouldn't have." I calmly recounted last night's events to him. I calmly explained to him how I felt humiliated and ignored.<P>You know what he did? He walked away and went to work. Now, I'm sitting here. I'm trying to get ready to start my day at school. I feel hurt and lonely and angry and tired...and nobody even cares. It takes a ton of pressure and pain to make me cry. You know what? I'm crying.<P>Yes, I'm vulnerable. No, I'm not vulnerable enough to turn to another man for comfort.<P>You know what? Regardless of the whole his needs/her needs thing, the last time I checked, it's common courtesy to answer someone when they are speaking to you -- a courtesy that is even paid to strangers on the street. Acknowledging someone's presence is just the decent/human thing to do.<P>I guess I shouldn't have been so hopeful when I saw my husband reading "His Needs/Her Needs".<P>Regardless of my affair...regardless of anything else...I can't be ignored and neglected for much longer.<P>My DOGS love me more than my husband does.<P>Jill<P>

Hi Jill, <P>You seem to be pulling all the lurkers out of the abyss. <P>I suppose I'm an old timer too. My profile has been deleted and I don't post that much anymore either.<P>I didn't intend to respond to you; the advice that was given seemed complete. I then read your last post and my heart dropped. <P>Jill, I WAS just like your husband. I committed the cardinal sin in my marriage; that being taking my wife for granted. I was complacent. I don't know how we drifted a part, but the chasm stretched beyond view. We rarely talked about anything meaningful, touching was reduced to accidentally bumping into one another in the hallway, and sex was a thing of the past. Our marriage was dying a slow and painful death and the sad part was I didn't know it. <P>My wife knew our marriage was dying and she became emotionally detached from me. I suppose she reasoned that there was no hope for us. Another man came into her life and provided the attention I neglected to provide and she was swept away. <P>She never told me of her affair. I became suspicious about her behavior and started snooping. What I found crushed the man I once was. I found hundreds of emails between her and the OM. My life ended as I knew it. I implemented a plan to try and win her back. It was met with harsh rejection. She hated what I was doing. She wanted me to continue as I was in order for her to justify her behavior. <P>Four months later, I finally confronted her about the OM. She admitted to the affair and promised to stop seeing him. She did for about three months. But, she contacted him again and rekindled a friendship. She had incredible emotional bond to this man. In December, she was ready to throw our marriage away and be with him. He chose to work on his marriage and she was left heart beak. <P>My wife is slowing coming to terms with all that has happened. Our relationship still has a long way to go but it is better than it has ever been. We talk a lot every day. I touch my wife (back rubs, foot rubs, hair rubs) every day. We hug again, we kiss, things are getting better. <P>She is not head over heals for me like I am for her, but she is slowly recognizing what all has happened and why. <P>Jill, I did a complete 180 when I found out about my wife's affair. I could have left her; I certainly have given it a lot of thought over the past 17 months and I came close on several occasions. But, I stuck it out. <P>Affairs don't kill marriages, complacency does. In your last post you mentioned the huge love buster your husband committed last night and again this morning. Go back and read WhoDat's post. He eloquently described the whole process of what your husband is doing. Your H doesn't know what he's doing wrong. <P>You have the opportunity to kick it in the pants and make life better for both you and your H. Yes, it will hurt. Who knows what he'll do. Every man here was devastated by finding out that his wife had been with another man. It was a wake up call for everyone of us. Some of us endured the affair continuing even after we found out; others continue to endure the pain. <P>Not all marriages recover from this. This is a HUGE life lesson for all. Your marriage is guaranteed to die if you do nothing.<P>You have so much going for you. I've worked for well over a year to break the bond between my wife and the OM. You are already trying to put him out of your life. So many things are already in place for you and your H to get through this. Please, see it through. No regrets for what might have been.<P>Best wishes, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Jill,<BR>Maybe you've answered this question before, I'm not sure, but are you sure your H isn't having an affair, too? When my H treated me like this, it was when he was fully involved with the OW. Maybe you should ask...

Jill,<BR>The night before I confessed, my H got mad because I couldn't "O" fast enough (you know what I mean). He made some very hurtful sarcastic remark. I rolled over and cried myself to sleep. The next day he asked me to tell him when/if I was unhappy with him. Then I said, "Yes, I have been unhappy with you" and confessed.<P>I think I had gotten to the point that I really didn't care what happened to our marriage. I knew I was not going to live like I had been living for the previous two years.<P>As sad as I am that my ex-H chose not to work on our marriage, I know I would have kicked him to the curb by now in any case if things hadn't changed. So, I predict one of two things will happen...You will get sick of his B.S. and just leave, or you will confess and hope for the best. If you plan to confess, please get your ducks in a row first. Also, don't let yourself be manipulated by guilt. I handed over a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have because of my guilt, including my self-respect.<P>My ex called me about two weeks ago asking how I was doing, seemed excited I was moving back to FL soon and wanted me to send him my forwarding address. Ya know what? I could care less. <P>I sent him an e-mail yesterday telling him that I was not going to be giving him my forwarding address (and why), then I deleted his e-mail from my address book, and filtered out any incoming e-mail to go directly to the trash. <P>I suppose my confession did show his true character. But am I glad I confessed? Not really. Not after what I went through. I wish I would have just divorced him.

Hi<P>I just want to say a special thank you to all of the "oldtimers" who took the time to post here. Thanks for your support and advice.<P>An update:<P>My husband came home and read some of the "His Needs/Her Needs" book. I cooked him dinner. While I was cooking dinner, he wondered how I felt about the statement in the book that women resent working if they are working in order to meet the basic needs of the family, etc. We discussed that for a minute or two and ate our dinner. Then, we sat on the couch and watched a couple of TV shows together. Then, out of the blue he said, "If you'll come back here, I'll rub your back and neck for you." I was SHOCKED, to say the least. But, I did let him rub my back and neck. While my husband was massaging me (clothes on, thank you... ), I just let the tears roll down my cheeks. He didn't notice that I was crying, but I didn't really need him to notice. The stress release that the massage and the tears provided was great.<P>I gave him a kiss and tucked him into bed.<P>Thank you, God for allowing me to see a glimmer of hope.<P>Jill

Baby steps are what it takes.<P>Hopefully him reading the book (or even just seeing it for that matter) tells him that you do care & want to improve things.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sounds like he is trying! <P>Personally, I'm STILL looking for the fountain of patience <P>Seriously, baby steps are great...happy for you to have this glimmer of hope. Hoping more to come!!!<P>Kathi