Just a post to bring you out. How are you today? Hope it's a good day for you. Mine is going pretty good. Taking a break from my studies. <BR> Hugs to you,<BR> Mynabird

I'm here...though late. Thanks. I'm feeling depressed, but I'm still hanging in here. Day was OK. My daughter celebrated her 11th birthday today. I really wasn't in the mood for a party, but I did it anyway. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi there, Keridwen.<BR> I just got back on-line to check this message. I was glad to see you reply. How are the sessions with your therapist going? If you'd rather talk in private, feel free to email me at gerrigrande@yahoo.com ... I usually check it daily. <BR> Happy birthday to your daughter! They grow too fast for my liking my little girl is 6, now. Seems like yesterday I was carrying her around on my hip. *Sigh* I miss all that baby fat, lol!<BR> Take care,<BR> Mynabird<BR> BTW, how's the weather where you are? I'm in New England, experiencing typical NE weather. One day it's beautiful, the next it's rotten. I want summer and sun!!!!

I know what you mean by missing that "baby fat". My daughter weighed 9 lbs 14 oz. when she was born and was a chunk until she was about 4 years old. Now she's lean and very petite. She's 11 and wears a size 10 girls...she could wear an 8 but they are too short. She's very athletic and artistic. She's just growing up way too fast for me. My oldest will be 14 next month...Yikes! <P>As for my sessions...I go back tonight. I am feeling more and more blue every day. After last Monday, I felt better for a couple of days. I just can't seem to pull myself up this time. I am sooooo tired. H is home and he's being great. Checks in with me. He is working 2nd shift right now. I woke up last night after he got home. He was just standing there looking at me. He said something to me (I can't remember) and went back downstairs. He isn't sleeping with me. I wish he would, because it would help my feelings of loneliness. I guess he just can't muster that feeling right now. It's really sad. Just 18 months ago we were happy. Now it's so depressing at our house. Some days I just don't want to do it anymore. I know...I am sounding like I did right before I took those pills. I just can't seem to help it. I feel so down all the time. And so hopeless. Does it ever get bearable?<P>Thanks so much for caring...you don't know how much it means to have someone to talk to. I feel so alone right now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri:<BR> Hang in there. Regardless of what your H does, it will get bearable...then it will get fair...and then good again. These things take time, but you will find a good place in your life again.<P>Hugs--<BR>KAthi

Holy cow, Keri!! Your girl was almost 10 pounds! And I thought that I had it rough with a girl weighing in at 8lbs 9ozs! <BR> You are dealing with your depression in the only way you know how. Know this, the problems in your marriage are not your fault, alone. It takes two to tango. You are grieving right now. That is okay. Unfortunately, you have taken it very deep. Keep getting counseling. Check to see if your meds could possibly be increased. At least temporarily. I think that it would be an excellent idea for you to go into a clinic for a while. I think that I understand why you are reluctant... you don't want to be away from your kids, and you possibly don't trust your husband to not stray while you are in. Completely understandable. But, in the long run of things, you stand to benefit from in-house treatment. <BR> As for your husband, okay, he's back. Possibly only to make sure that you won't hurt yourself. He didn't really get to make a "choice" so to say, of who he wanted to be with. It stinks to high heaven, I know. You guys have a long and bumpy road ahead... but first and foremost, *you* must get better. Now is not the time to discuss his indiscretions. There will be plenty of time for that after you have helped yourself, first.<BR> I know you don't beleive me, but it really does get easier. No, the pain, hurt, and humiliation never quite go away... but it does get easier to deal with after a lot of time and tears. <BR> It has been 4 years for me. That's when my divorce was finalized. My xH left me and our (at the time) 2 year old daughter. He moved in with a young girl from his office, and she was pregnant within 2 months. During that time period, I felt all of the normal feelings and asked all the usual questions. Life sucked, royally. But, after a year or so, I was still hurt, but I also was mad! How dare he treat me with such disregard! I have come a long way, baby <BR> Even if things don't work out, you will always have yourself and your children. Make the most of it. You are worth it.<BR> Well, I must get back to my studies... I'm a nursing major. Not bad for a single mom, huh? [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<BR> Smile!! You are loved!<BR> Mynabird aka, Jeri

Nursing major, WOW! I could never be a nurse. Too squeamish I guess. I have registered with our local college to start back this fall majoring in Anthropology. It's just about the only positive thing right now. I am seriously considering inhouse treatment. The reasons you state are my reasons for not going, but I am beginning to think I have to worry about ME right now and nothing else. It's hard for me to do that. I am very devoted to my kids. But I don't want to get back in that dark pit of despair and be unable to crawl back out. In SAA Dr Harley says the betraying spouse throws rocks into the pit rather than a rope. That's exactly what it feels like. <P>All three of my babies were big...Oldest 8lbs 11 oz...youngest 8 lbs 4 oz...daughter was in the middle...other two are boys. I had C-sections with all three. I am 5' 2" tall with very narrow hips...just couldn't birth babies that big.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hiya Keridwen,<BR> I totally understand your issues about going into treatment. Can you find out if you can go in voluntarily, with the assurance of getting out if you want to on a moments notice? Maybe that would be easier to deal with. <BR> Also, do you have any family around that could stay with H and the kids, or at least check in on them? If your husband had a problem with it, you could just say that it was necessary for your comfort. You don't have to tell him that you don't trust him... no point in rubbing in the truth. He knows this already.<BR> Believe me, there will be plenty of time to really hash everything out. Meanwhile, you need to get serious help. Not just meds and out-patient counselling, but real one-on-one therapy... even a couple of weeks would be good for you. <BR> It's okay to feel these feeling that you have, you just need help in dealing with them. <BR> Do you mind if I send you email? I have a few things that I dug up from my text books that I would like to share with you.<BR> BTW, I had a c-section, too. Same story, narrow pelvic girdle. Boy, was I glad that I didn't have to do the natural birth thing. <BR> Mynabird

You can e-mail anytime you want. I always have my e-mail address on my signature in case anybody wants to. Keridwen_7@yahoo.com. I am going to seriously talk to my therapist about that tonight. I have got to pull out of this before I can hope to work on my marriage or deal with a permanent split, etc. It doesn't help that I have a history of depression. It started when I was 10 years old. I have fought it almost my entire life. I'm 35 now. I went through a severe post-partum depression after my first baby. I wish I was one of those habitually sunny, happy people. I'm really tired of the whole doom and gloom thing. Ya know? <P>You asked me about the weather earlier. Well, it's typical spring-time weather. Warm but lots of thunderstorms. Everything is blooming so my allergies are haywire right now. I used to live in upstate NY and I know you guys really haven't even started spring yet. Yuck! It was beautiful up there, especially in the fall, but I couldn't handle the winters. Too much snow for this southern girl. My H was in the Navy and we were stationed there for 3 years. Seems like a lifetime ago. <P> <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri, you have mail <BR> Mynabird