H had an affair this past summer and I discovered it in November. Since then, my life has been in constant chaos. Currently, we are separated and have been for about 2 months now. He made the decision to end his affair in January only to return to her in February secretly.<P>When I found out about the affair in March, I wanted no contact with him until the affair was over. He's now very undecisive and doesn't even know how to make a decision. Currently, the OW has filed for divorce. In fact, their lives have almost been a mirror image of each others. Both couples separated on the same day, both couples marriage started deteriorated at exactly the same time (shortly after they started working together).<P>I'm trying to keep my head up knowing that there is a good possibility my husband may want to reconsile our marriage (I know I do). But right now I'm scared that he will go off with her due to all the emotions that he is currently feeling with her. I don't know if I can have the strength to rebuild when he does decide to come back after watching this for so many months.<P>I've tried this weekend to start trying to rebuild our friendship. By being a better person to him that I was, stopping all the angry judgements and critizism. We both agreed that we don't want to hurt each other anymore. But knowing that when he leaves our home, he's off to see her, really hurts me. In fact on Friday I attempted to call him just to talk and he was out. So I called him Saturday morning to confirm our plans for that morning, he still was out. Later when he returned my call, he admitted that he spent the night at her place. I was so crushed. It really took all the energy I had trying to be nice to him on Saturday knowing that he just came from her place.<P>I told him that a piece of our marriage is severed every day he doesn't come back and attempt to work on it. It is dying a slow and VERY painful death right now.<P>I really could use some advise. I don't want to push him, as I want him to make this decision on his own. But yet again, he is a diagnosed avoider. This is why we had marriage problems in the first place. He just avoids all situations which are painful or may cause friction.<P>What do I do?<p>[This message has been edited by Rachelb25 (edited April 02, 2000).]

Rachel:<P>I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad you're here.<P>My first piece of advice is to read, read, read. Then try to put some of the things you read into practice. It's not easy, but that's why we're all here.<P>You sound really scared (please correct me if I'm wrong--ask my H, it has happened )but it sounds like you are on the right track. It's hard to try to hold back and not jump in and fix everything right away, but that seems to be the thing we all have to do.<P>The problem is (and I keep hearing this and living it) all these changes take time. Your H is all wrapped up in all sorts of weird emotions (again, read all of the articles on infidelity you see on this site) and probably thinks pretty highly of OW right now. It seems that WSs forget all the good things about their wives and husbands and think their new "loves" are the be all and end alls.<P>The good news is that it rarely lasts.<P>The bad news is that we have to last until the fling peters out.<P>Hang tight. Try to avoid "lovebusters" (LBs--again, read this site!) and don't forget that we're here when you need support or just to vent.<P>Good luck! --HBC

Dear Rachel<BR>The only consolation i can give you is that you,me and many others are in the same boat. I know what you mean when you said it is so hard being nice to hm after he has been at her place..It is almost as if by being loving at home we think it might stop them from going to Ow..Well ,I guess not,but perhaps it'll confuse them even more and make home a nice place to be..<P>It is so hard to wait around for them to wake up,It is so hard to feel being compared and shared to some stranger who has invaded our lives and our H's hearts and minds..I know... I know..What gives me hope again and again is the reassurance from people on this board that this situation cannot last indefinetly and we just have to endure as best we can such a major crisis in our marriage.Patience is a virtue in this case, and while we think we are going insane in the process,remember :There is little you can do except hope and pray for our H's.<P>I know plan A is hard especially when H seems not to care a damn about our feelings and is acting in the most selfish,uncaring,unloving way...But do not succumb to those negative feelings.Consider yoursalf a martyr and kill him with kindness ..It has to Pay off later......

Hello, friend,<BR> My heart goes out to you because our stories are very similar. I know how horrendous this roller coaster ride is. We've been married the same length of time, with 2 small kids. My H was forced to admit his year-long affair was more than emotional in Jan (the OW got pregnant). He said he wanted to keep our family together -- but wouldn't cut all ties with OW. So we moved out, 5 hrs. away. The OW lost the baby last month (I'm not totally convinced she was P in the first place), but I know he's still at least calling her. He has been visiting us every weekend, but still acting like a stranger to me. This is a man who used to cherish me, a wonderful husband. <BR> After reading Dr. Harley's book recently, I've tried to implement Plan A. It seems to bear good fruit when I can actually stick with it, but it's so very hard. Especially when you're doing all the giving--and not getting anything in return, at a time when you need it most. I do see little positive signs occasionally, but I'm so lonely. Am determined to give it my best shot, tho--one day at a time. Our home is worth fighting for. Keep the faith. I'll include you in my prayers.