I used to cry - I guess grieving because something was lost. I guess because I used to feel like something was missing. I guess because I remembered how it once was.<P>It isn't the way it was once. I can't remember how it was!!! I think this means I am healing...? Or, is it PTSD? hmm, I don't know. But, all I know is that I don't cry anymore. The emotions have left. It doesn't hurt. <P>My husband says, for him - he wants to "make love". But, for me - it isn't the joining of two people anymore, it is like we are on our own separate islands, and sex is a bridge. I don't know if I am making sense here, but I am to me!<P>There is a distance, there is a sense of present (No past, no future - just now), and it is fine for me. <P>It has changed, but it is okay. It is okay.<P>

When we first reconciled in January 1999 through maybe this January 2000, I cried nearly every time. It seemed better than ever in many ways, yet something profoundly special was missing. I know now it's the loss of our sexual exclusivity and that my feelings about myself as a woman are diminished. I too feel as if we are separate now and that sex is a 'bridge'. Well put, TNT.<P>I will always, always grieve for what was lost forever. It is different now. Sometimes it's just scratching an itch, other times it has too much depth for me to bear and I feel the tears again.<P>God. I am getting angry again. He couldn't be more tuned into me-willing to eat ground glass if I asked him. But, in the back of my mind, late at night when I am by myself in my thoughts, I wonder.....why is he REALLY back? Is it because of the house, the business, because he has no where else to go? Does he think of her? Does he wish he was having sex with her? Was it better with her? And of course, finally, how could he? How could he allow this to happen to us and how is it that the love of my life, my once in a lifetime was capable of such a horrendous act that caused a baby to be born when i can't have one of our own.<P>Wow. Sorry. Your topic really hit a nerve, I guess. Must be my frame of mind today. Sorry.<P>Catnip =^^=

(((((((Connie))))))))<P>Sounds like you are missing the feeling of intimacy that you once knew, that sex feels like it is just a means to an end. <P>I have nothing to offer you here because I am struggling with this one myself. We know how we <B>want</B> it to be, we know how it is <B>supposed</B> to be but feel helpless sometimes that there is a d@mn thing we can do to change it.<P>How are things in the neighborhood these days?<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Hi trustntruth,<P>Very well put indeed.<P>I seldom cry anymore either, only when I am missing what we had before. That feeling of belonging to each other that made us special, of secret feelings I though no one else would ever know.<P>Now I wonder if those feelings of loss ever leave and if the grieving ever really ends. Only time will tell, I suppose.<P>Perhaps this is some small measure of progress. I hope so, for all our sake's.<P>Peppermint

Catnip, I'm sorry that it hit a nerve. I guess, what the value of my post is - is that it doesn't hurt anymore. Yes, I used to cry because something was missing. <P>Kinda like when you clean out your closet - and you go for a shirt that isn't there - oh, well - no big thing. That is how reduced the feeling of the loss - it doesn't hurt, you just move on. <P>It has been 4 years since the infidelity. Even though disclosure was only this last December, I have cried for 4 years. I knew. But, I don't cry anymore!!! It is wonderful to let that go. I can't really remember what it was that I lost! That really is a good feeling. I guess the pain of suffering the loss was greater than the loss. Did that make sense? I guess it is a step towards healing. IT DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE - I don't cry after sex. THAT IS SO WONDERFUL!!!!<P>I am sure, with time, this incredible pain that you feel, Catnip - will be gone. You will replace your original hopes and dreams with something, I'm not sure what it is. But, you will. You will get better. Trust in time.<P>Lisa,<BR>Hi, how are you doing Actually, I don't miss that intimacy. It was missing the intimacy that was causing the pain. Now I forget what that feeling of intimacy was. That is good. I am okay with this. I am happy about this, really. It feels okay. It is okay that sex is a bridge. It is okay that we are islands. Maybe it isn't okay for my husband - but - oh well. I guess he has his own healing to do. It is about time, and this is something he must do on his own.<P>Well, his X moved into town, stayed across the street with BIL for about a week. She bought a house 4 doors down. Life is really interesting. The good thing is, that SD hasn't been around to cause me grief. Whew.<P>We are looking at a Lake Lot - about 7 or 8 miles from here. I have made my mind up, I want outta town!!! H hasn't completely made his mind up. Never a dull moment in my life. Geez.<P>TNT

Peppermint,<P>I know how you feel. Bad news is you can't rush time. Good news, is time is your friend. <P>You will make it past this, I know you will. You have made tremendous progress. I read your posts. You are on the right track.<P>God Bless,<BR>TNT

Some of the times we reconciled after discovery, sex was so utterly fantastic. Then he'd be back in contact with her and it wasn't so good for him (we blamed it on his Zoloft). At some point it became not good for me...I blamed MY Zoloft. I'm off the Zoloft now, a little more physically interested (I think the Zoloft did/does have an decreased sexual drive effect), but...find my response is tied, I think, to trust. No trust = No earth moving. Although it can be okay. And if y'all are wondering, since I'm on the edge of divorce why I know this...{sigh}...let's just say I'm having some difficulties with boundaries and since we've been married for almost 17 years, he KNOWS what I like and he wants to seduce me. I'm not rejecting all his attempts to Plan A me and meet my needs .<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi TNT -<P>So happy to hear from you....was worried!!! I am also glad that you found a "peaceful place" in regards to this.<P>Perhaps when we go through infidelity - we realize that we are TWO different and distinct individuals....two "islands" as you say. We see our spouses for ALL that they are: the good, the bad, the insecurities, etc. Perhaps our Intimacy feelings of old were only based on feeling a "oneness" and now we have matured into the acceptance of love being about "separate and coming together in love" AKA "the bridge"!!!<P>Anyway, I am happy for you and am very glad to hear about the out of town you desire......I will pray with all my heart that H sees this as a very good move!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and Luv Ya,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>thanks!!! You are one of my most favorite sane people I know. Oh, and thanks for the nomination on the MB awards!!! <P>I really hope husband will commit to buying the lake lot. It means he has a lot of work to do - to get this house FINISHED and sold. But, the lake lot offers us a kind of future - and I really want to move! I hope we can get it. A friend of mine owns it, it hasn't hit the market yet, and I am sure we can fix it up and have the home of our dreams. <P>I think you are right about - the "oneness". I think it was a delusion that I was in love with - in the first place. We never were "one", but rather separate with a bridge. And if I keep that perspective, I'm gonna be okay.<P>Lor - I replied to you, and it went into la la land! Whoops! <P>My thoughts were something along the lines of our sex life are mirrors of our relationship, like the fruit from the vine. If the vine isn't healthy (trust issue) sometimes it can be evidenced through the sex. <P>I think sex has 3 components in a marriage: Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. I think the Emotional suffers tremendously with the trust issue. And FHL helped reconcile this for me, I am able to trust, and not responsible for his trustworthiness. (I'm okay, you're responsible for your own okay-ness.) As far as the Physical, there is no problem there. But Spiritually, - I think that there is still a lot to be desired in my sex relationship with my husband. But, I'm no longer sad about this. (I'm okay, he's responsible for his own okay-ness.)<P>Lor, you said a lot in your short little post. I read between the lines. Take care.<BR>TNT<P>

how do you look at H without feeling physically sick? We have had sex a few times since I found out and I just feel the need to run for the bathroom after. All I can think about is "them". What he did to her & vice versa. I try not to, but I feel so violated by the whole sexual aspect of their relationship that I don't know if I can mentally get that out of my mind. How do you get past it?

TNT,<P>Hey lady no time to post but, I wanted to say hello and let you know I am missing you and our prayer time online.<P>Give me a hollar on instant messenger when you are online next okay?<P>Glad to hear you are progressing well. <P>I will be praying for that property buying and for your husband to move ASAP and get that house in order for you to sell. Then you can settle into a "home" on the new property. This could be so very exciting.<P>Love yah girl,<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited April 04, 2000).]

Hi, TNT,<P> Well, my sex drive has diminished a great deal due to my own self-esteem issues....and because I sometimes remember my H telling me that it was "too much trouble to satisfy me". My H got back into being sexually selfish for a while there; when he was satisfied, it was over. It's better now, but I still have problems with it--probably from being too sensitive. I don't want my H just having sex with me because he needs the physical relief or because he thinks that I'm expecting him to; I want my H to lust after me, to desire me, and to want to make love to me.<P>And, yes, go for the lake lot!! But, this time, make sure <B>YOUR</B> name is on the deed!!!!

I must say I can relate to this. It was always the best part of our relatioonship. The only time I ever felt close to my unemotional H. I use to feel Heaven and earth move from the spirituality of it all, but now I realize I was the only one feeling that way. H says it was never like that with the OW's, how many of you have heard that? Said he never tried to please them, always got his self off and it was over. Hard for me to believe cause of his pride, always wanting to be the best at everything. Sometimes I feel sick that I was always the imaginative one, wanting to fulfill his fantasies, said he never had any, guess he didn't need any, was living them with one nighters. Any way after all this not sure if there is a whole lot to our relationship, I'm looking real hard, but the man I loved never existed. I like sex, but it is a very intimate, personal thing for me, always thot it was for him to, guess not. Hard to believe anything he use to say about our "wonderful sex life". But I'm glad to hear you're ok with it. I'm ok w/mine to, but the beauty of it all is gone, wondering if I'll ever feel it again. Longing.....

TNT,<P>wow, two islands with sex as a bridge. You describe the way I've been feeling. I too am ok with it to a point, but wonder if it will always be this way...<P>Yes, I do think I was partly living in a delusion, but there is a true need for intimacy. If I can't find it with my WS, I wonder if I can find it anywhere else???