I just learned that the ea I have been focused on isn't the right one. I found my h password to his phone at work and listened today (see he changed them all when I learned about the ea) it turns out that there is another woman. she refers to him as the love of her life. her voice sounds like mine and I have noticed when I call he hesitates. I was so surprised, shocked, horrified. I recall now back to a trip he made and I called his room in the middle of the night and a woman answered. it all makes sense now. so for these past months it was one woman and he is over her and i honestly believe that, but now there is this one. i know from the messages that she is back east somewhere but i do not recognize her voice and she calls him baby which is what he and the other woman called each other and everyonce in awhile he slips and calls me baby too. then apologizes. <BR>i can honestly say i am not willing to try and work through this one. he made these choices the question is how do i get through today and how do i confront him. or should i just surprise him with divorce papers. who can be married to a man with so much deceit. We had a wonderful week this past week. we made love, bought a fun car, planned for our backyard. He even cried last wednesday and thanked me for weathering the storm and that his job is to make everything right again. He even said last night in counseling that he had never felt closer to me than these past few weeks. So how do I handle this? Any ideas?

((((hugs))))<P>No advice...my marriage is a mess too. Just thought you needed a hug. There are a lot of good people on this site who will help. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and what you are going through. No sooner do you feel like things are getting better - then WHAM! <P>In the heat of this, are you sure that you are making the best decision for you? Is it possible that this may be a (misguided) effort on his part to deal with withdrawal?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> can honestly say i am not willing to try and work through this one. he made these<BR>choices the question is how do i get through today and how do i confront him. or should i<BR>just surprise him with divorce papers. who can be married to a man with so much deceit.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> As you know, there are many people here married to people who were once just as deceitful, some moreso. Only you know when your efforts outweigh any gain you may have. Take 10 deep breaths and proceed with whatever feels most right to you.<P>Not very helpful I know - just a few words of support and good thoughts, good vibes.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

I so desperately need someone to talk to...I just feel like a ton of bricks have fallen down on me. I don't know for certain but I think that it started when he left for a trip a couple months ago, the weekend I discovered the ea affair. For some reason I think he is having an pa with this one. But I think, not sure that she lives back east and works for a company that his company just bought. He was in Atlanta a couple weeks ago and that is when the woman answered. He came home with 2 bruises and said that his boss had gotten drunk and grabbed for his nipples and missed. (at the time a flash said it was a hicky, but it really didn't look like one) The first trip he made, the one he insisted on going on he "lost" his wedding ring. He didn't tell me (flags went off then too) and i found a receipt for jewlery (which I assumed the worst, only I thought the worst was he had bought it for the ea, little did I know he probably lost it when he took it off to be wtih the pa on his trips.) All the while we are going to counseling and he is pretending to love me. In my mind right now it just doesn't make sense that I would continue this...

I don't know how to answer this one either, but I don't think jumping into divorce is the best thing to do. I'm assuming that you still love him and want to keep the marriage together. <BR>Have you talked to your counselor about your findings? I would probably start there. <P>Coming from one snooper to another, I would not confront him with what you found. He will just close that avenue and find another way of communicating. Even though it is painful, I would keep checking his phone messages and come up with a plan of action. <P>How long have you been married? Kids? Have you always had problems, or just lately? Have you read through all the materials posted on this site, specifically the infidelity section, plan a & b, etc.?<P>I've gone through this also, except my H has been involved in internet affairs that started out as one night stands, but were going to the next level of spending weekends together. We addressed the problem, I sought counseling (he wouldn't go), lost 25 pounds, proceeded to plan a, and read Dr. Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs. I can honestly say that our marriage is moving towards the right track. But change will take time and a lot of patience.<P>You can't expect things/attitudes to change overnight. I've read many instances on this site where the H (or betrayer) doesn't even acknowledge or feel he is doing anything wrong. For some reason, they have blinders on.<P>Hopefully your counselor will be able to guide you to an appropriate plan of action, and possibly be able to talk to your H.<P>Just my opinion, I'm not an expert!

Thanks. No I never thought we had problems we have been married 6.5 years, no kids and in fact were planning on having them this year. During all of this we were picking out names. <P>I guess the point is that why do I want to be married to a man who get's caught and then only to find out that it's like smoke and mirrors. I called him this morning and asked him if I truly was the one he wanted and loved and thought about and wanted to be wtih. He said yes, I told him that I could never stand to have something like the ea happen again and that him having others in our relationship is not something I am willing to accept or tolerate. I asked him if there was someone else besides the OW I knew of. He said no and got mean again, annoyed like. (this is all I needed to hear) I am physically ill right now. I keep getting sick. I must say that I am being much more calm and rational this time than I have when I learned of the first one. <P>I don't think this is about my love for him any more. It is about his love for me and respect for me. Which he has none I believe. This is about taking care of me. My emotional well being is at stake here.

....which is what Plan B is all about. Remember that it is only as effective as your Plan A was good.<P>Good Luck. Please keep us posted or just come to vent.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

cpickel:<P>I am so very sorry to hear of your discovery. It is so incredibly painful to find out that your husband has truly been unfaithful. I know I accepted many stupid excuses for things before I was ready to look for the truth. And I know that I, too, felt physically ill. I am so sorry that you are going through this.<P>Hang on to yourself tightly. You will get through this, one way or another. <P>I would advise you not to make any hasty decisions. I don't know what goes through the head of wayward spouses, but it seems from what I've read that they get caught up in the fantasy. I sometimes wonder if my husband knew (knows?) the difference between his fantasy world and real life.<P>Just because he is doing what he is doing does not mean that your husband doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that he is lying when he says that he loves you or that he doesn't want to have a life with you. It does mean that he has some serious issues to work out. He needs to learn to treat you, his wife, with the respect and admiration he started out with. It is up to you whether you want to stay with him.<P>I believe you need to let him know the evidence that you have found against him, but then again I tend to be the confrontational type. Do you two attend counselling together? Do you have an appointment soon? That might be a good time to bring it up. If it were me, I probably would have told him already, but I have a hard time with that "wait" thing. You must confront yourself first, and have a good long talk with yourself and decide where you want to go with this.<P>He will probably deny the PA. Be prepared to stand firm. I know I wanted to believe the excuses, but I couldn't. I just couldn't any more.<P>My heart goes out to you, cpickel. I wish I could take away the hurt. Please know that I am thinking of you and let us know what is happening with you.<P>All the best to you through all of this--HBC<P>

thank you all so much. i just never have known this pain. and i thought i had survived the worst. he has been so wonderful this past week. getting home early, calling me many times a day lots of e-mails...we just had a counseling session last night, I have been going to a different counselor for myself. I have learned that I am not selfish enough. I can't confront him until tonight. I work 70 miles away from home and my work involves a classroom and students, i am holding on by a thread. i keep leaving to throw up...funny thing is he changed his password , so he knows i know and yet he keeps e-mailing me today...i left him this gross voice message telling him how scared and that i don't want this to happen again...i made it clear that i wouldn't accept him doing this again. he e-mailed me and told me that he "liked" my v-mail...what the hell does that mean? <P>how can divorce not be coming. this man get caught having an affair and then while we work through that one he starts another?<P>Wouldn't I have to be a saint? anyway i don't even know if he really wants to be with me...hell of a way of saying "I don't want to be married to you anymore"