Maybe should be posting this on the recovery site, probably will post there too. Need advise fast before I act inappropriately.<P>My heart is racing, my eyes welling up with tears. Any of you who remember my story will know that there has been a reoccurrant problem with pictures of the OW. In Jan. I found evidence on the computer that H had copied some pictures from a disk and we had a blow up. At that time I asked if he had burned a cd with the same pictures, as we literally burned the paper copies. He said, "No". Well.........he lied. He has a case on cd he carries with him to work and I snooped and found the pictures on one of the disks. I am sooooooooooo upset. <BR>My questions are...<BR>Do I confront?<BR>Do I hide or break the cd and say nothing?<BR>Do I put the cd back and pretend I know nothing of it?<P>It just kills me that he hangs on to these reminders of his relationship, his vacations her near nudity. I want to pack up and walk out, but I love him so much. We just got back from a cruise which was wonderful. Pictures were taken of me in some of the same poses with and without him, that are also reflected in the pictures of her. <P>He will be home soon and I don't know what to do. I am not one to hold in my feelings very well and a confrontation right now could be so painful, not to mention the fact that he will accuse me of snooping in his business, etc. Any advice will be much appreciated. Will be checking back soon.<P>Thanks guys.<P>Beth

I don't really know what you should do. I just wanted you to know, I know how it feels when you find that stuff. Why do we snoop? All we get from it is more hurt and misery. Maybe someone else here will have some good advice for you. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Beth,<P>I am not really sure what you should do. I know what I would do and that may not be the best advice right now. I would confront- ask about the pictures, ask why he lied etc.<P>From things you have said before it sounds like your H is heavily in withdrawal still(has kept pictures in the past, is still wishing he could talk to her even about small things) and these pictures are probably prolonging it.<BR>On the other hand, with him being still so heavily in withdrawal, his reactions will be clouded by this. He would probably do as you have stated and be angry that you have pried into his private business. <BR>It is a very tough call and you will have to decide if you can live with him clinging to these pictures of her and keeping such momentos of their time together. If it is something you can't live with I would suggest waiting until you have settled down so you are better able to discuss things in a rational way.<P>I have been thinking of you often and will keep you in my prayers. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited April 04, 2000).]

Hi PW -<P>Oh Beth, I am so sorry. I haven't followed too closely around here and lost internet for awhile....<P>What did you do in January as far as approaching? Is it possible to do it the same way?<P>I don't think that doing it when you are freshly stung and hurting is the best idea.....perhaps go for a walk and clear your thoughts!! Think of what you have learned at MB and perhaps an effective approach will come to you.<P>I am sorry that I can't really help you with this....you know your situation best..you know what reactions would be likely to which approach......<P>Just give yourself some thinking time.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

He will definitely know that something is wrong with you, so you will have no choice but to confront him. But something similar happened to me and I told him to get rid of ALL pictures of her. Then I found out that he still had some and I confronted him, but then I said "WHY"? Ripping up pictures is not going to erase this woman from his MIND! So I just let it go. Yes, I personally would destroy anything I found on my own, ESPECIALLY if it was in MY HOME and if he had a problem with it TOO BAD! But every relationship is different and that is JMHO.

Calmly tell him you found the photos. Tell him why you looked, tell him why it hurts you so much, and ask him to be honest with you and destroy all pix of the OW.<P>A marriage can only work if both partners are honest and communicative. It's an unfortunate situation, but it's an opportunity for you to show him that even though a situation may be emotionally charged, you two can rationally and calmly work through it together.<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I wouldn't be nice about it. He will know you are upset. I would put the cd on the kitchen table so he could see it. He will know you put it there and my guess he will say something. If not I would hand it to him, look him in the eye and say 'why?' and then not say another word!<P>

Hi PW,<P>You know, I reread something yesterday in His Needs/Her Needs. In chapter 13, the one on Infidelity it says that quite often a betrayer will always have feelings for the lover. And, that's something that the betrayed will just have to accept. But, Harley also says that even so, it doesn't mean that we can't go on to build a very loving, & fulfilling marriage.<P>I know, when I read this, I was pretty bummed out. But, it does make a lot of sense. Emotions are something that are difficult to control. You can't just turn them off like a faucet.<P>I'm not sure where you are right now, in recovery. Do you feel pretty confident that the affair is over and your H is no longer in contact? How are the pictures detrimental to your reconcilliaton, other than the fact that he lied to you. Perhaps, a better approach is to discuss his honesty with you, rather than the fact that he's harboring these pictures. And, you need to let him know how insecure you are right now. It's going to be HIS job to earn back your trust.<P>Anyway, just a few thoughts that came into my head. I can certainly empathize with you. Hang in there. Sounds like you're on the road. Just a minor speed bump.

Hi PW -<P>Just checking in to see how you made out......Saying prayers for you.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Well, here's what is happening now. <P>My H has left to go to Holland. This was something he was going to do this week sometime anyway, but this incident caused him to move up his plans. At one point he was going to stay away. <P>He called home from our farm before any suggestions had been given from you guys, and I was unable to act as if nothing was wrong. He questioned me and I told him that I had just found out my "best friend" had been lying to me. When pressed for details, I told him I had found the cd. His response," Jeez, Beth, I am just not ready to give those up yet." <P>I hung up on him, through a few things in a bag and left to go to my mothers' house. I passed him on the way. He did not follow me.<BR>I stayed at my mom's for a while talking to both of my parents then when to "walk a prayer labarinth" at my church. After I calmed down and felt more in control I went home. My oldest son said he had been home, but had left again. His bags were gone to. My dad dropped by at that time and told me he had stopped by their house and told them he was going to his parents house for a few days. I was calm enough then to think that was a good idea, thinking maybe my reaction had "scared him" enough to make him realize how badly this really hurts, and that I would seriously leave if he did not do the "right thing". Well, as it turned out, his "right thing" and my "right thing" are two different things. <P>I went to our farm to plant a couple of berry bushes I had bought for his parents' cabin and a few minutes later he drove up. The first thing he said was that he did not know I would be there and that he had NOT come looking for me. That was nice wasn't it?<P>Anyway in the course of our conversation the following was said....<P>He had lied about keeping copies because he KNEW I would NEVER agree to him keeping them. He had made them back last spring before he so magnanimously agreed to pack up the originals and mail them back to OW. When I think back on that I get so mad. During the course of this whole mess, he has cried only two times. One was the day we packed up and mailed those pictures. I felt so bad about hurting him, I offered, at that time, for him to keep them, locked away in a file cabinet. His response was "No, I'm this is for the best and I am psyched up now to do it." When I reminded him of this yesterday, he said he did not remember crying, and that he did not believe me about keeping them. Such an ahole.<P>In the conversation yesterday, I told him I was mixed up about my feeling concerning what to do. That it hurts me terribly that he clings to these pictures, but I can understand somewhat why he wants to. I told him I did not want to divorce over the decision. <P>His response was that if I did not let him keep them he would divorce me! Talk about a power play. He said those pictures are a part of who he is, his history, and that I have no right to ask him to deny that part of his life. He reminded me that he still loves the OW, although he has not seen her since last February or talked to her since Christmas, although he still wants to very badly. He said his feelings for her or about those pictures has nothing to do with his feelings for me. But that in this case, his personal, selfish reasons for wanting to keep them, is more important than how I feel about him doing so. <P>I backed off.<P>I asked if he would agree to a new POJA that he would put the cd in the box with pictures of old girlfriends he had before me. I told him that this "hurt" is only a small piece of what "we" are and have experienced together over the last year and that it was not worth breaking apart over. (He has not kept any of the other agreements related to these pictures, don't know why he would this one, but he did agree.)<P>When we got home we did not talk for awhile and I did not give the cd to him yet. He did not ask so I let it drop. (I'm thinking of making a website over in Geocities just for sharing her pictures with all of you)hehe<P>While he was busy, it occurred to me that the cd in question did not have all the pictures that I have previously seen, so I checked his bags one more time. They were still in the car. I did not find another cd, but I did find more pictures that I had never seen before. In these, she was a sweet young 18 year old, dancing on a table in a bikini and other similar pictures. I did not hide the fact that I had found them, told him what I had been looking for. His response was he had had those at work in his mailbox. I asked then if there were other hidden secrets that he had not shared. He responded that he thought I had found everthing now. <P>Later, he announced that he would have to take a nap in order to catch the jumpseat at midnight to go to Holland. I laid down with him and we talked some more. He said he does not think we will survive this. That I deserve someone better than him. That I would be better off without him. He can not give me the love I want or make the promises that I want to here. I told him to quit thinking for me and to call a spade a spade. I said for him to just admit that he wants out, that he would be happier on his own. He would not say that. He said that it has been a year and we still are having "these episodes" and he can not believe there will ever be a time when we don't and that it he just does not think we are going to make it. I asked him if I should retract my request for a year's leave of absence and his response was that even if we divorce I could take the leave, that nothing would change his "taking" care of me in that way. Yeah, right. <P>At one point in the conversation I asked "Is this the last time we will be in bed together?" His response was, "What would you do if you knew it was?" I reacted by spooning a hug around him. (He was laying on his side.) He said, "How will you feel two weeks from now about hugging me now if we are fighting over property issues?" My response was, "How will I feel tomorrow if you are killed in a car accident?" He was quiet for a min than said "I can't be honest with you because it will make you mad or hurt you." I urged him to try me. He then asked if I had called OW today. I said,"No, why?" He said, "The last time I was with her we had virtually the same converstation and she hugged me the same way." <BR>Well, that hurt....but, I laughed and said maybe I should not hug him then as it could jinx the outcome of our situation. He said,"Maybe you shouldn't"<P>We were growing tired by that time and both turned away from each other to sleep. Before he left, an hour or so ago, he kissed me good-by and said he would contact me over ICQ while he was in Holland.<P>I don't know where we are going from here. There is a small, but unfortunatly growing part of me, that hates him for putting me through this. He is right. I deserve to be adored and cherrished. My feelings should matter. We both answered the Basic Needs survey while on our trip, I looked over his responses. He never asked to see mine. He listened to one tape of "light her fire" and stopped at that. If rebuilding requires effort he does not want to be the one having to make the effort. He seems to have no interest in fighting for us and I am getting tired of being the one making all the compromizes. When he tells me he likes me a lot, loves me a lot, which he has quite often, he sometimes throws in the fact that he loves/likes the ow TOO. My trying to change or diminish his feelings for her by "making deposit" by loving actions and words toward him is sometimes smothering and useless as well. He still wishes he could see and be with her. That we all could be together. I told him that he has been carrying a torch for her all this time, making our recovery that much more difficult. I asked if the torch burned as brightly now, as a year ago, and he said no, but that everytime we have one of these "incidents" it makes him want to run back to her, to call her and vent.<P>Well, I guess that is the majority of what has transpired in the last 24 hours. There is now to be a break time of 2 or 3 days. No telling what his return home will bring. Thank you guys for responding. I appreciate your thoughts, even if I was unable to act upon them. I wish I could have just hidden the cd and pretended I did not know about it, but just couldn't.<P>JL, I certainly appreciate a male perspective. My dad said much the same thing.<P>I wish I were here more for you guys. Maybe someone can use my story to help in wading through theirs.<P>Thanks again.<P>Beth

PW<P>I came here to see what was going on for you given your kindness to reply to some of my own threads. You have the strength of a million women I would say. Here I sit hurting so much over so little compared to waht you have endured.<P>I cannot tell by what you have written, are you both seeing a counselor? Has he chosen to remain with the marriage or is he teetering around about that? <P>He sounds much like my own H when you wrote that he wishes you could all be together. Be thankful he's not a moslem, otherwise you WOULD all be together. ;-)<P>From what you wrote he should have returned from his trip to Holland by now. I hope and pray for you that his return has been a good one.<P>Stay strong, you're doing a great job so far. (Hope some of your strength rubs off on me!) Looking forward to hearing what's new between the two of you. Hoping even more to hear good news.

Gosh, I feel your pain. I am so sorry for you to find these.<P>I kept pictures of OM for a really long time. ONe day i went to look for them(recently) to finally say Good bye to all of the crap and they were gone. I just mailed the "goodbye" letter to OM over a weekago. So the next step was throwing those away too. My H threw them away the day I told him of the rekindleing. I had them hidden and he found them in my old high school picture album. I was angry, but what a relief to have it over.<P>I would get rid of all memories. I had a girlfriend who got rid of everything that reminded her of her H affair. furniture, pictures, vases bedding ect.<BR> They sat on the floor until they got new stuff. really. <P>I didn't think we were going to make it either. a lot of my earlier posts were awful. But, when i broke all memory, contact and such, i was able to reach out to my H. But all of it has to be over or you cannot get on with the new relationship(yours).<P>I wish you the best of luck.<BR>God Bless<BR>Mercy

Pilots wife.....<P>you HAVE made a grave error in judgement. I realize it was out of your own pain...and need for reassurance. But Ive been where you are...I am on the other side of the fence now. I can look back and see the damage that SNOOPING causes. <P>It confirmed for him that all his time and effort has been wasted. That the real sacrifice he made of leaving the OW to return to you is totally unappreciated. That you can't even allow him to grieve or work through his own feelings of loss in privacy.<P>He did choose you over the OW. He did 'the right thing' a year ago. But over such a small thing as a momento...and your snooping...he feels this past year was in vain. He needs admiration, approval, unconditional love. And your gratitude and bulding him up - not tearing him down. <P>Pilot's wife...the fact that he CAN'T give up those momentoes is a resounding bell that chimes loudly - even over this silent web page of what she really meant/means to him. And he gave that up - FOR YOU. He CHOSE YOU. And it sounds to me that he has given all he can give.<P>One final note....I don't know what sort of poses he took of you on your cruise....or how they are reminiscent of the photos of her. Look at it from his sexual needs point of view. What did they HAVE IN COMMON and use that revelation of his sexuality to YOUR advantage. Instead of condemning him - learn from it and hold onto your man with both hands. Don't drive him away with constant condemnation. These are words of wisdom Pilots wife...not criticism. And no matter what happens...if you work through it - or if you dont and you do divorce.....you need to focus on whats good about you as a person. You MUST stop focusing on the past....force yourself to dwell only on the positive... it can change your life

I am fairly new to MB, mostly reading, although I have posted a couple of times.<BR>I want to thank you for sharing your situation, as mine is very similiar. <BR>Sometimes I feel like I am crazy or have changed into someone that I dont even like---so how can I expect my husband to. Reading your stories helps me to realize that I am not alone, and maybe not even as bad as I think I am.<BR>My husband travels too. He had an EA a little over 2 years ago---I should be over it right?<BR>We go through periods of normalcy, only to fall victim of episodes like the one you described. It is so hard to think that my husband will always love someone else.<BR>I think the fact that they cant be together keeps the love stronger--no reality to weaken it.<BR>Sometimes I think it would be easier to start over with someone else that would love only me, but I realize that I would go into another realtionship with the same baggage.<BR>I am currently trying to read Give and Take.<BR>I have made a pact with myself not to say anything to my husband until I have read the book and can make an UNEmotional decision.<BR>(thats hard for me!)<BR>Thanks for sharing your heart. It helps to know I am not alone.

daughter - <P>you said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It confirmed for him that all his time and effort has been wasted. That the real sacrifice he made of leaving the OW to return to you is totally unappreciated. That you can't even allow him to grieve or work through his own feelings of loss in privacy.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What makes a successful recovery? POJA and honesty. If he wanted to keep the pictures, he needed to discuss that aspect with his wife. He is absolutely wrong in further deceiving her.<P>Yes, he chose his wife - but they honestly haven't hit "recovery" yet, because they are not following the basic concepts. <P>The deceit that he is capable of shows PW that he isn't trustworthy. It isn't that she doesn't trust, it is that he isn't completely trustworthy.<P>This goes to show that if you follow the basic concepts - you won't have this trouble.<P>TNT

True TNT<P>He isn't totally trustworthy. But his W won't allow him to be completely honest. That might sound like an incredulous point of view - but I would guess he has said those very words to her - verbatum.<P>As a survivor of an OW in my marriage - I recognize the mistakes I made. Being the hurt, betrayed victim who waited at home and exploded at him over the mention of her name. It was all a waste of time and energy. If the W wants total honesty - she must be prepared for the truth. <P>From my perspective...it doesnt seem Pilot's wife wants his honesty - she wants things to 'be as they should be'. She wants his honesty NOT to hurt her. He cant do both - its impossible. <P>So in trying to protect her - as well as his sanity.....he lies - which naturally is the stupidest thing he could have done. Its a vicious cycle and she must take control of HERSELF to stop the wheels. And stopping her compulsion to snoop is a big step in the right direction. She WILL find something....its going to be there. Because his feelings for the OW ARE there. <P>I hope I am making myself understood....I don't want to hurt this woman..Im in pain myself. Her story is so similar to mine...its like reading my journal from 8 years ago. Im just trying to give her the benefit of the 8 years of realizations she will ultimately come to. <P>

daughter,<P>There is a big difference between keeping momentos of a previous relationship, and keeping hidden momentos of an affair. My H has several momentos from his first marriage and a former girlfriend that he has kept for almost 30 years now. I understood why he wanted to keep them, and long, long ago got over being bothered by them. As a matter of fact, they are still among the things he has left here, and I probably will continue to keep them until when and if he asks for them. <P>But he did not lie about the momentos, and the relationships that he had with those women were in the past. Those two factors make all the difference in the world.

daughter -<P>you said<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But his W won't allow him to be completely honest. That might sound like an incredulous point of view - but I would guess he has said those very words to her - verbatum.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do not understand where you get this thinking from. She does not have the ability to control whether he is honest or not. She odviously suspected he was not being honest, or she wouldn't have snooped.<P>Being honest has to do with integrity and character. It has nothing to do with who you are honest with or not. Period.<P>If PW's husband is serious about wanting his marriage to work, he would do a POJA. He isn't completely committed, they have not hit recovery. Maybe he has ended contact physically with this woman, but in his mind it is still there. That is understandable.<BR>Not likable, but understandable.<P>And, if he truly felt he needed to have those pictures, then he should have discussed that with his wife, and they could have put the pictures in a safety deposit box or someplace until they came to an enthusiastic policy of joint agreement. Using 2 of the Basic Concepts, POJA and Honesty.<P>The other two policies follow: Rule of protection and meeting your wife's emotional needs of honesty.<P>Her situation is "limbo" with her husband. She has 4 Choices: Plan A, Plan B, lovebust, or quit. PW and her husband have not graduated to the Basic Concepts stage of their marriage. <P>If she does not start seeing results within a period of time that only PW knows, this will not be a happy or fulfilling marriage, and this marriage is susceptible to further infidelity.<P>This is not about PW snooping, this is about PW getting to the point that she can continue on with A,B or quit. If PW is not in denial about the stage of her relationship with her husband, and recognizes that snooping de-motivates her for doing plan A or B, then she should not snoop. As long as she stays in reality and doesn't allow herself to build resentment for his continued deceitfulness.<P>The odvious worse decision but easiest to carry out is to lovebust. <P>She's better to go on a cruise than to be home when he gets home - and lovebust.<P>TNT<P>

You are right....she can't cause him to BE honest or dishonest. All she can do is to try to create an atmosphere condusive to his being open with her.<P>To say to a man - "Tell me the truth - but if its ____________ - our marriage is over" will alienate him and he will withdraw into a shell and will just about gaurantee lies of ommission. I'm sure PW's H loves her....but she is building up resentment in him against her. I'm not speaking of total trust here...I'm speaking of allowing him to be honest. Regardless of what the truth is.<P>How can he be honest when he knows what her reaction will be? There came a point where I had to come to that realization about my H's ex. It hurt, it was lonely, in fact it was devastating - and it did leave the door open to an EA with OM. But now his X is GONE from our marriage, from our home, from our conversation. It was very hard through those years..I went through a stage of withdrawal..but as I allowed him to work through his own feelings WITHOUT my feelings getting in his way - he began to tell her no more frequently. His priorities did eventually shift and she got angry and her interests turned away from him. Of course - he has done damage to this marriage. During my withdrawal I found myself - and built a life. <P>Concerning marriage on the spiritual level - marriage isn't just a promise to one another...vows, trust, etc. It isn't an "if it doesn't work out we'll just divorce" civil agreement. Its a spiritual union. A sacred spiritual bond that can't be undone by a photo on a floppy disk. PW forgave him and accepted him back into their home. She could have ended the marriage due to his adultery - but instead she made the decision to continue in the marriage bond. So the marriage still exists. <P>Are those lies and deceit grave enough to seriously hurt and damage her? YES <P>Are half truths and lies of ommission - even downright lies grave enough to break that spiritual union? NO - the adultery was....but she forgave that.

Hi all,<P>I see some discussion has continued in my absence. I appreciate all the opinions that are being bounced about. TNT, I know you are more aware of the history and evolution of the rebuilding going on here and appreciate your perspective on the subject. Daughter, may need to check back in the archives to get a better understanding, but I will try to fill in some blanks for her now.<P>One month after my H "supposedly" ended contact with the OW I discovered the existance of a "secret post office box" at which he had been receiving bills for the "secret calling card" account and the "secret credit card" as well as cards, letters and pictures of the OW. When I "picked up the mail" for him was when I discovered the evidence of his continuing contact , ie, the phone bill and a card with another picture of the OW, in a very revealing, sexy outfit. She was doing her best to make him continue to want her. When I asked if there were other pictures, he said yes but that I would never find them. I will admit that for the next month I searched dilligently for those pictures. When I did find them,however, I was not looking for them, I was looking for some tools in the tool shed. The pictures, with love letter both to and from my H, revealed many truths that I had not had to face up to that point. They were pictures of them in Hawaii in beautiful places together, pictures of them in hotel rooms, naked and clothed, pictures of them in Peru, Brazil, Alaska and San Fransisco. Most were of just her, always in skimpy clothes, most often in thong bikinis. Most of the truth of their past 2 years together came out in those pictures, including the extent of his love for her. I returned his pictures, most of them anyway, letting him know how badly the whole thing hurt and that for him to keep them was a slap in the face and a serious LB in terms of our hopeful recovery and rebuilding. I also accepted that he needed time to come to terms with what he wanted to do with them. Before I gave them back to him, I bought an album and put the ones I felt ok with, ie, the ones showing the places they had seen in Peru, Alaska, etc., and said if he insisted on keeping them because of the fact that they represented a part of what he has done in his life that they should be presented in such a format that anyone could look at them, including our children and friends. Well, I know that was spiteful and a LB, but he got my point. Rather than keep them in the album he removed them, put all of them together and proceeded to carry them with him, in an envelope, in his flight bag for the next three months. I knew it, he knew I knew it and he knew it REALLY bothered me. In the meantime, I started wearing clothes resembling those he seemed to find attractive in her, (had dressed more like a preppy schoolteacher up until that time) I spent hours with a friend putting together a seductive, sexy personal calendar for him with me as the star. He knew what I was doing, knew why I was reacting this way and said he appreciated the changes he was seeing. I did not give him the calendar until his birthday, six months later. So, yes, I learned from the pictures how to address his sexual needs in a manner in which he seemed to appreciate. ( A side note, our sex life has never been better!) <P>This is starting to get long.....but now I am on a roll.<P>For the two/three months he was still carrying around those pics in his bag, the OW had left the country to "get over" him, so I know the real, physical withdrawal was taking place then. He has not seen her since, only those pictures. <P>Anyway, when she returned to the country, he agreed to send the pictures to her. I know now that he had the copies, suspected then that he did, but it was the gesture that he was making to appease me that seemed important at the time. The day they were mailed, I said, and honestly meant it, that we did not have to send them at all. That the fact that he would was enough for me. That was his opportunity to trust my forgiveness and to be honest, but no, he went ahead with his plan to continue a deception instead. It is this deception that is causing the current problem.<P>Now, for now....He is keeping the cd and a few other pictures he had that I did not know about. He has agreed to put them in a box with pictures of other gf's from before my time. When he arrived home yesterday the first thing he said was that he was sorry that he had been a butt to me about this, that he really did not understand what his own thinking or feelings about keeping the pics really represent. That it is totally irrational. (He likes to be logical and rational). He said he thinks part of it is rebellion at my trying to tell him what to do and making him do something he does not want to do. Part of it is that he still has not come to terms with the idea that he may never see or talk to her again. That regardless of how good we are doing together, he cannot accept totally that someone he cared so much for, that was such a good friend to him, when he has so few, can no longer be just a little part of his life ever again. I am about ready to insist that he call her! I am lucky he is not Moslum!<P><BR>The ball is in my court now as to what I can live with. I choose, at this time, to live with his wishes, as long as the pictures represent fantasy only. If the OW becomes a reality in his life again, I will have to reconsider. We are very loving, affectionate, comfortable together with our approaches to life, and have plans for a great future. When/if he ever ceremonially disposes of those pictures I will be relieved that it seems to be finally over, but I am prepared to believe that that day may never come. He knows that if I outlive him, the cd will most certaianly be distroyed.<P>Gotta go now. We're meeting my parents for lunch.<P>Thanks again for your thoughts.<P>Beth<BR>