Argh.<P>My mother arrived like a tornado on Sunday, and I am so tired, and such a wreck. She's completely out of control, and I'm holding this whole motley crew together -- mom, stepdad, and H.<P>My stepdad has been down for a week, and he's no trouble, except the special cooking. So far we're hopeful about his prognosis, but won't know for sure for 2-3 weeks.<P>H has been a good sport so far, but last night hit me with a party we've been invited to on Saturday -- it's his former co-workers, including Dragon Lady.<P>I need to deal with her right now like I need a second navel. My mother's presence has all my old childhood baggage roaring back as if I'd had no therapy at all, and I feel completely inadequate, insecure, and threatened from all corners...including work.<P>I am so stressed trying to keep myself together.<P>Keep in mind: I am not allowed to discuss her. As far as H is concerned, she's a friend, a business associate, and that's it. But I have been so traumatized by earlier events I can never think straight about her.<P>He's putting up with having my mother around, and he REALLY wants to go to this party. I suppose I should be glad that he at least asks me to go to these now, but I have to tell you, they are STILL traumatic for me and always will be.<P>He's suggested we get a hotel down near there and make a weekend of it. That has the added benefit of getting away from my folks.<P>Can someone help me get some perspective here? I feel like I'm falling apart.

Dear Dazed: Hang in there. As far as the party goes. You'll be alright even with the dragoness there. If you get a chance, you might want to listen to that old 70(s)tune from Argent "Hold your head up". It has been a very inspirational song for me. You have got enough on your mind without having to worry about "what did you say she was again?":-) <BR>Find some good bonding glue and put yourself back together, stand up straight, smile and walk out there like the strong beautiful lady that you are! Tell yourself, yeah! I'm cool, I'm pretty, I'm awesome and I know it.

Hello Dazed -<P>I was wondering why you didn't show up for Baseball Opening Day and now I know!!!! Sorry, forgot this was "the week".....Hey, you are still sane though, cuz you spelled correctly and your syntax is perfect as usual!!! There's a bright side!!! LOL!!<P>You know that you should go and definitely make a weekend out of it. Think of it this way....you go and have to spend a few hours with Dragon Lady and then H spends a couple days on YOU!!! I would be thinking of which body parts need the massage the most if I were you!!!!<P>And just the idea of getting away from Mom.....well, if that's not persuasion enough!!!! <P>Hang On Dazed....you'll get through this and remember that HE IS WITH YOU!!!!! Even with MOM around!! How much does that tell you!! Seems that you two can get through anything to me....<P>So go....dress to kill....smile that loving smile at your H and show him, but more importantly yourself, that YOU are the wisest, classiest and self-assured woman in the world!!! Noone can compare!!!<P>Then let him show you a thing or two back at the hotel....(wink-wink!!)<P>Enjoy the getaway!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Phew! It sounds like the world is really whirling around you!<P>Take a moment to yourself and have a nice cup of herbal tea and relax.<P>Your mom is your mom. She's going to keep being mom no matter what, even though you're all grown up. Sometimes parents are hard to deal with, but you can do it. Just keep taking deep breaths and drinking herbal tea.<P>As far as the party with Dragon Lady goes (Dragon Lady--I like that), I would go. I know the type of female you're talking about (I work with one--I constantly have to keep myself from popping her in the chops), but Your Husband Chose You Over Her. I'm not saying it's going to be easy to see her, but maybe you could work out some ground rules with your husband. Maybe say, "This party sounds like a lot of fun (especially the hotel part!). I'm still insecure about [Dragon Lady] but I know you love me. Would you mind checking in with me often at the party? If that's okay with you I'd love to go!"<P>Good luck and hang in there! --HBC

You are an incredible person - 2 potential narcisstic people so close to you in your life - and you deserve a medal.<P>Go to the hotel with your husband. You deserve a break. As far as your potential encounter with dragonlady, you can conquer this, you've done this successfully many many times, what is one more? YOU CAN DO THIS. <P>TNT

Hey Dazed,<BR>Hang in there! Just follow your own great advice and plan A and go to the party and get out of your house for awhile.<BR> Hope you get good news soon about stepdad.<BR>Lora

Hey, maybe this will work with mothers too? Your name can go to the top of the list, but only if mine can be second?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001982.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001982.html</A> <P>Get that hotel. Be witty, fun, and <B>confident!</B> And follow up with all details here afterwards Inquiring minds want to know.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Hey D & C-<BR>Was just reading your post and I feel your pain. Last week was spent in another state at my Step-dad's funeral. I totally understand how that old baggage thing comes in and out of nowhere BAM! Smacks you right upside the head. Things you hadn't thought of in yrs (because you thought you had them all tackled and under control). I have a nice set of baggage of my own-we are an extremely dysfunctional family. Heck, it's not baggage -it's a steamer trunk.LOL<P>I think I sometimes fall into the trap when one thing from the past creeps out I just open the pandora's box and have to re-examine every painful thing in my life and then try to cram it all way again.<P>Go to that party and hold your head high, be confident. I think those kind of women hate it when another woman is confident. They like to keep people off balance a little. <P>Just a side note here-my step-sister is one of those kind of women. I love her but she can drive me crazy sometimes. Her coy, flirty ways are so gaggy.(is that a word?)<BR>The way she tilts her head to one side, taps her long talon-like fingernails on her glass or on the table. The way she dominates every room she's in. I know the type-but you know what she's alone-oh, she has a married man she is seeing (for about 4 yrs now)but she is very alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, DON'T LET HER INTIMIDATE YOU. YOU ARE THE WINNER!!!!<P><BR>How's that for pep?

Thanks, all.<P>Here's the latest. Wednesday night my mom found out that the drs. want stepdad to be scanned again on Tuesday, and my H overheard the phone conversation where it was discussed that they would be staying till Wednesday.<P>She waited another 24 hours before telling me, and she never even told him.<P>And she didn't ASK if they could stay another 4 days, she TOLD ME they're staying another 4 days.<P>I'm furious...and so is H.<P>But he refuses to let me put them up in a hotel. He says we have to do this for stepdad, because all he has for support, other than us, is my mom.<P>This puts me between a rock and a hard place, because I know my H. He's getting pissed off, he won't let me do anything about it, and it's all going to come to a head at this party. He's going to go off into a room or something with Dragon Lady, then when I call a cab and go to the hotel, he'll fuss at me for ruining the day.<P>He is passive/aggressive, and I know sure as shootin' that he's going to pull something. I just know it.

Then stay by his side and be the perfect wife! You can do this! His knows that your parents staying with you is not your fault. Try to keep calm about it. Drink that herbal tea! Take some deep breaths - go out for a long walk.<P>Don't lose sight of your H at that party! I'm not saying to cling to him the entire night, just be watchful. If you see him talk to the Dragon lady, go and talk with them, you have the upper hand, you know. Just talking to her face to face, holding your H's hand while you're talking, that will unnerve her more than anything. You're sending a signal that he is yours, without even saying a word! Women like that can't stand face to face encounters. Be confident. Just think, maybe he will talk to her close to the end of the evening, and during the conversation you can ask your H if he's ready to go to the hotel, while you look lovingly in his eyes (or just wink at him)! Oh, I'm salivating, just thinking about this.<P>SHE is at the disadvantage, NOT YOU! Just don't be *****y, be confident.

everyone's right, ya know? You CAN do this. It will be fun, good for you AND good for him!<P>You're a million times the woman that DL is! Show the world, Honey! This weekend away will be what YOU make it and I know you have what it takes to make it great!!!!!<P>As far as Mom, well, I've got one of those that drives me stark-raving crazy, meddles in everything, controls, puts down and generally messes with my head on a regular basis! I sympathize. If it makes you feel any better, mine's a mile down the road. <P>Hang in there, you can handle it. Industrial strength glue, as someone suggested. You'll be just fine.<P>Lori

Then save yourself some grief and don't go to the party. Go to the hotel by yourself this weekend! Exclude them all!<P>Seems like you only have 2 choices.... Grin and bear it, be the perfect little wife - drink the herbal tea, etc. <P>Or take a break for the weekend without them all! <P>I know you can pull this off if you want to. You can choose to react when your husband goes off with DL, or you can choose to not react. <P>You can only control you. You can't control them. Make a plan of how you will deal with the worst possible scenario.<P>hugs to you.<BR>TNT

Since I know a bit more about your relationship with your mom, my reply to her would have been a simple, “Get out of my house. Now.” Your step-dad could stay, of course, but there are Motel 6’s everywhere. You even said, in so many words, your Marriage is your #1 priority.<P>As far as pending Dragon encounters go, you’re either going to have to tell H, or suck it up and bear it. You’ve said the former isn’t an option, so that leaves pasting a smile on your face and enjoying the party as much as possible.<P>You can only control your own actions and reactions. I worry about you, Dazed... I know talking to your H about this is a major LoveBuster, but isn’t NOT talking about it an even bigger one... for <B>YOU?</B><BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Since I know a bit more about your relationship with your mom, my reply to her would have been a simple, “Get out of my house. Now.” Your step-dad could stay, of course, but there are Motel 6’s everywhere. You even said, in so many words, your Marriage is your #1 priority.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And it is. And I've told my H so...over and over and over again. However, when I broached the subject this AM of putting them up into a hotel, he (H) said, "That's not an option. This is a family obligation and we just have to put up with it. We have to do this for [stepdad], because all he has for support is your mother."<P>If I then go ahead and book them a hotel, he's going to be even angrier.<P>H is having a hard time at work, and I think that he's looking for more things to be upset about, so solutions to the problem are NOT what he wants.<P>I am not looking for my mother's approval. I don't give a rat's *ss whether she likes me or not. But how would any of YOU react in a similar situation? Easy to talk, more difficult to do. I'm taking us away for the weekend. We'll leave Sat. afternoon and come home Sunday night. That leaves Monday and Tuesday, hopefully.<P>I just heard that stepdad isn't coming out of the hosp. today because he's still too radioactive. If this delays their departure even further, I will put them up in a hotel.<P>I don't think my marriage will survive this anyway, because H won't listen to any of my suggestions to solve the problem. He WANTS to be pissed off.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know talking to your H about this is a major LoveBuster, but isn’t NOT talking about it an even bigger one... for YOU?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, but no one (including H) seems to care about what's a lovebuster for me. All he cares about is that these friendships are important to him. I have been sucking this up for two years because any attempt I make to discuss it is met with anger from him.<P>My choice is to suck it up or throw him out.<P>Well, f**k it anyway. He's going to bail out on me after this anyway.<BR>

Dazed<P>You asked what would I do in this situation. Well - impossible to answer - because I do not have a mother that is narcisstic. So - for me, I wouldn't even go to the party with my H, because I would want to be with my mom and her husband during these times, offering all the support that I can. So, in your case, with a mother that is outright self serving - it is very difficult to advise.<P>But - if there was only the party issue to deal with, (and I think separating the issues is smart right now) - and I thought my husband was going to use that as a time to "get to me" - then I would make one of the two choices offered: Go - and suck up, plan on being insulted, devise a plan to deal with it or Not Go, especially if I was under emotional duress and couldn't behave in a way that would help my marriage.<P>I wouldn't go. <P>But for you, it sounds like you are so keyed up over all of this, that maybe you cannot "suck up" at the party, or at home, so I would opt out of both of those situations if I were you and try to minimize potential damage.<P>Damage control, Dazed. That is how you have to handle this.<P>If it turns out better than you thought, at least you were prepared.<BR>